Saturday, May 15, 2010

Mythbusters Who? TwiBusters!!!  

Hello all of TwiTardia…long time no see!

We’ve been around, lurking in the shadows, commenting on blogs where we can. Poor T-Nabs has been without internet for well over a month. Can you imagine? In our time off one of us has moved, one of us has had a terrible time at work and home, and both of us have had an inability to create for you. Through all of our trials and tribulations the only thing keeping us moving forward is our weekly brainstorming sessions and the fact that we knew we would be back soon.

We live to create for you…making you laugh brings us joy. So watch this blooper reel and laugh you cheeky bitches. LAUGH!!!

We were hoping to have the actual episode finished and ready to post today, however children who refuse to nap, techie malfunctions, and limited time left us with no option but to give you a sneak peek of what we have coming up.

While I cannot offer you the results of our experiment until the episode is released, I can give you my original write up of the who, what, and why. Pardon me for getting all scientific on you. We took this very seriously…and T-Nabs and I are HUGE dorks. Like…mahoosive. You really have no idea.

Enjoy!

INTRODUCTION
In the young adult novel “Twilight” by Stephenie Meyer, character Jacob Black is a shapeshifter. One of the more intriguing characteristics when approaching the story from a Biological standpoint is that Jacob Black’s average temperature is 108 degrees F. In the novel, all shapeshifters are able to procreate despite the fact that sperm would not be viable at these extreme temperatures in a normal human being. This line of thought led me to wonder if this elevated body temperature would cause pain or discomfort for his mate during intercourse.
We conducted a pre-research experiment on the average temperature of the human penis flaccid as well as during an erect state and discovered that the penis is an average of 2 degrees warmer when erect. This would mean that the average temperature of Jacob Black’s erect penis is 110 degrees.

Our hypothesis is that the temperature of the shape shifters erect penis would cause pain and discomfort to the average human female during intercourse.

METHOD
Two anonymous female participants ranging in age 25 – 30 consented to test the hypothesis using pyrex heat conducting dildo’s. Dildo’s were placed into water which was boiled until reaching preferred temperature and measured by digital thermometer. Participants began with control temperature of 98 degrees and temperature was increased incrementally until reaching 110 degrees. After each test, participants were asked to complete a short survey rating discomfort levels on a scale of 1-5, 5 being intolerable pain.

Next would come the results section of this report, but you ladies will just have to wait for that! Feel free to discuss your thoughts in the comments. We would love to hear what YOU think the results are!

The video is primarily made up of Bloopers and screen tests. I hope you enjoy!

Special thanks to the trooper who lent his penis in the name of science and did the “pre-experiment, temperature control testing” for us. An even bigger thanks goes out to his wife. THAT’s fuckin’ teamwork!!! Mr. Pantz, we salute you. *dildo’s raised*
Now after you watch this video check out his damn blog. You will thank me for the rest of your life. Click HERE!!!

PS: There were no children present during the filming of these videos. All innocent eyes and ears were napping or playing outside while taping. At one point you hear the little one wake up from his nap. We may be slightly crazy, but we would never jeopardize our kiddos.

WARNING
This video may not be safe for work.
(this should probably go without saying at this point..)



Friday, April 9, 2010

TwiPop feat. Mrs. P!  

That's right Episode Two is up and ready for your listening pleasure!




We discuss Waxward and Bree's story as well as why Motorola should probably pick up Twilight as a possible marketing opportunity.


We also pick on Poptarrts just a bit for her amazing accent, and even get Mrs. P from Twibite all hot and bothered.




(We will have it available for downloading through iTunes soon. Hold your britches.)

Monday, April 5, 2010

Twi Soup's Pervy Slang  

WARNING:
Abundance of Adult themes ahead.
Abandon ship immediately if you are easily offended by graphic sexual acts.
You have been warned. The following is pretty tasteless even for us…


Mommy G. Pumpkin, if you are reading I strongly urge you to stop right…about…NOW.

So the idea for this post reaches way back to the midnight New Moon premiere. T-Nabs and I were about half a bottle of Stoli in, and severely sleep deprived when we started talking about the ever glorious Patzy and the dirty dirty things we would like to do to him.


Let's just take a moment and enjoy the beauty that is...The Precious.

Now before I go any further, I would like ask you a question. Have you ever met a person who knows EVERY funny “nickname” for any given sexual position or act (*cough* my husband *cough*). This person often pops up after much alcohol has been consumed and tries his/her hardest to gross you out by saying things like, “I sure would like to give you two dogs in a bathtub right now…you know what that is? That’s when…” And then he/she proceeds to tell you something so disgusting you either start laughing so hard you can’t breathe or your ears start bleeding from the sheer horror of the definition. Most of these sayings are usually pretty gross and degrading, however I have to admit, I find them hilarious.

For example…Dirty Sanchez.


Perhaps you prefer a rusty trombone? Or a snow ball (reaching far into my Clerks quote bank for that one)? Or perhaps the Kangaroo Scissor Kick…yeah, I have no idea what that is either. And I don’t think I want to know.

So how does this relate to Twilight you ask? No worries folks…I have a point.

So here T-Nabs and I sit, giggling our tipsy asses off, waiting for New Moon, and discussing Edward and his hotness. When suddenly from the mouth of T-Nabs spouts brilliance that could only come from a diehard Twihard.

“I love RPatz so much I want to do the REVERSE SPIDER MONKEY WITH HIM!!!!”

Um…what?

I turn to look at her and immediately I laugh so hard I almost piss myself in the middle of the theater. Yes folks, she went there.

She said it.

The Reverse Spider Monkey.

Like this. Only backwards, and nekkid.

So that got me thinking. What other sexual positions/acts could be derived from our beloved Twilight?

An Alice
When a girl is giving a guy a blowie and she predicts when he is going to cum and immediately decides to leave and go shopping instead of finishing him off.

The Jasper Bat
When the guy does fancy dick twirling tricks before finally sticking it home.

Playing Doctor Cullen
When the guy (or girl) dips their hand in ice water and then puts on a latex glove and gives his/her partner an intimate “exam”.

A Twitchy Bella
Girl on top. Girl begins to spasm uncontrollably like she is having a seizure forcing the man to hang on for dear life while she stutters and moves her hips in unpredictable patterns.

An Isle Esme
When the sex is so rough that you wake up in the morning with unexplainable bruises.

Jacob’s Rabbit
When a guy does a girl doggie style and uses his index and middle finger (like rabbit ears) to diddle her skittle.

A Mike Newton
When I girl is on top she punches her partner in the stomach right before he comes so that he throws up and then has to go home.

A Hey Arizona
When a guy jerks off into his hand and then shakes it all over the girl and says, “How you likin da rain girl?”

Ok, Ok, I will stop. But you have to admit it…you laughed. If you have any of your own awesome Twilight sexy slang please feel free to have at it in the comments. I know some of you girls are FAR more creative than I, and I look forward to any additions you may have. Perhaps we will create a Kama Sutra of Twilight.

Well whether you liked that or hated it, I am willing to bet that all of you will never, EVER look at the ‘spider monkey’ scene the same way again.

My work here is done.

: )

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

TwiPop Podcast  


Yes, we've finally done it.

We've been talking about it, dropping hints about it and even accidentally commenting on blogs under the TwiPop name when we weren't supposed to be...(my fault, I can't keep my gmail accounts straight).

For the past few weeks Poptarrts
from Lick my Poptart & yours truly, Stoney G Pumpkin have been toiling away at our first attempt at a podcast, and we finally have it up and available for your listening, erm...pleasure?

Yes, it's a bit rough. We are still learning so don't judge us by our virgin voyage. Like all 'first times' it's a bit scary, kinda rocky, but SUPER exciting.

For our first episode we answer your questions about our FanFic: Call of Booty. We asked for reader questions and boy did we get them! Get deep into the world of Gameward and Nymphbella....and possibly pick up some exclusives!

Cheetos...that's all I'm sayin'.

Once again, forgive us for our learning curve and please ENJOY!

Stay tuned for our next Podcast...complete with a special guest!

And remember, we love comments. Please let us know what you think!

Friday, March 26, 2010

Stoney Takes On Breaking Dawn  

So the other day my favorite person in the world, Poptarrts from Lick My Poptart, got a wild hair up her ass and asked me to comment on Breaking Dawn for a feature on her blog.

Now she knows me well enough to be perfectly aware that Breaking Dawn and I don't necessarily get along.

In fact, this is the movie I'm looking the most forward to and not because I'm excited about seeing the story played out on the screen I'm mostly looking forward to seeing what the fuck Summit is going to do with the implied sex, and bloody impromptu c-section...imagine that shit in 3D.

Frankly unless the official Breaking Dawn poster looks like this, my hopes are not high for an Epic Win:

(This poster made by Nameless Wonder from TwiSoup.)

So without further ado...please take a moment and check out my commentary on Breaking Dawn. I promise you will enjoy it...love the book or hate it.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Google me Twilight...  

Hey everyone!

Sorry we've been MIA for the past two weeks.

We had some RL bullshit to sift through but now we are back and ready to climb back onto that sparkle peen. Yes you have heard correctly, we are ready to make funnies for you!

I just want to say thank you for all of the concerned DM's and Twitter message's and emails we received from all of you. It really means a lot to us that you have got our backs no matter what. I think I speak for T-Nabs and myself when I say, "YOU BITCHES RULE!!!!" I don't even think our family was quite as supportive as all of you have been.

We have some fun stuff up our sleeves for you but today I have just a little somethin' somethin'.

So I spend a shit ton of time on my computer...or my phone...ok, let me rephrase; I spend a shit ton of time on the INTERNET.

My husband calls my phone a tumor...I am never without it. Even the other day I get a gmail Chat from Latchkey Wife that said: Are you ever NOT on ghcat? No LKW...I am ALWAYS online...ready and available for ANYTHING. I even Twitter in my sleep...ok, not really but if I could I would.

As a result of too much time spent online, I have developed a little time killing habit of google image searching completely random shit.

I just plug in the first thing that pops in my head and sift through the pictures. The results often leave me grossed out, pissed off, pissing my self laughing, or just confused. One thing I started to notice is that no matter what I was searching for...something Twilight related almost always popped up.

I started to wonder if Google was just starting to read my mind? Or maybe my search history was playing games with me. So I deleted my search history, deleted cookies and temporary Internet files and tried again.

Sure enough. Twilight.

So I thought I would play a little game. I searched for the most wacky, un-Twilight related stuff I could think of and then tell you how many pages it took me to find something Twilighty.

To keep it real, I will also include a screen shot of my discoveries.


Search Word: Ass 5-0
How many Pages in: 15
Picture of Rob and KStew at MTV Awards.



Search Word: Chapstick Condom
How many pages in: 46
Photo of woman holding apple in Twilight cover pose.




Search Word: Elvis Blubber
How many pages in: 22
Picture of a man singing to a GIANT constipated Edward head.

Search Word: Ham Spunk
How many pages in: 2...does anyone else find it funny that "ham spunk" was only 2 pages in?
A fanfiction banner.

Search Word: Fish Twat
How many pages in: 37
Robert Pattinson interview screen shot.



Search Word: Taint Wipe
How many pages in: 3
Lookie, lookie...it's those infamous Twitarded panties.


Search Word: Pig Vagina
How many pages in: 16
New Moon Jacob promo poster.


Search Word: I Farted
How many pages in: 25
Robert Pattinson on Red Carpet.

Of course, not all of my searches got results.

Here are a few of my rejects:

Dinosaur Fart
Paper Towel Slut
Gunt Sack
Arrest that Donkey
Mr. Duck Lumps
*All of which I think would make fabulous random t-shirts.

So, if you are bored and want to do some searches of your own I would LOVE to hear what you come up with. Remember to get rid of your cookies and temporary Internet files...cheating is forbidden.

I love you all!

Stay tuned for our first PODCAST!!!! OMFG!!! SQUEE!!!!

S to the GP

Friday, March 5, 2010

TwiSoup is Sad Today  

This will be a short post...sadly.

Due to some unforeseen events in our real life we had to put the trip to Chicago on hold. We will not be able to see JBone and 100 Monkeys and while we are super duper bummed, sometimes family has to come first.

Don't worry, we are all fine, we just need to take a moment and get our personal lives in order.

We do have some fun things on the way though, so no worries.

Dirty Seuss will be making an appearance.

We have a great video about Twilight on it's way.

There have even been rumors of a podcast...shhhh...this is super duper top secret.

So please bear with us for a few more days. We will be back and better than ever.

Muchos love!

If you aren't reading this FanFic...you better get to it. OR ELSE!

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Look out Chi-Town TwiSoup in the HOUSE!  

Guess what?

We are going to CHI-TOWN!!!!!


Why do you ask? Have we suddenly taken an obsessive interest in Chicago style pizza? Or possibly our recent discovery of the Chicago Museum of Holography has left us unable to resist a visit? Or maybe we just really like fucking wind....

Oh yeah, just like that...give it to me wind.

Ok so none of those reaons are why we are actually going to Chicago.

We are going to see 100 Monkeys
. That's right...you have heard correctly. TwiSoup will be breathing the same air as JBone. Or as T-Nabs says...we will be sharing Argon and he will be INSIDE of us. Ask her about theory when we are in Forks.


We got this hairbrained idea last week when T-Nabs and I downloaded the 100 Monkeys album 'Grapes' and took a listen. We were immediately taken with them and started researching their tour schedule to see if they were coming anywhere near St. Louis. Of course, they weren't...I swear to the music gods St. Louis is like the forgotten city. NO good bands ever come here anymore. It's pretty effing depressing actually. Anyway, lately Nabs and I have been beginning to appreciate the panty melting hottness that is JBone. I have always thought he was a smexy fool...but we discovered when you combine his amazing eyes and dimples with his smoldering voice and stoner jam band groove...you have an epic win.


*Funny story. As I'm writing this a new tour date got added on their website for St. Louis two days after we see them in Chicago. Looks like it's a whole WEEKEND of 100 Monkeys. Holy shit on a cracker batman.*

Thank goodness we live fairly close to Chicago. Sure we may have to drive five hours to get there, party, and then drive five hours back but I'm totally willing to make the sacrifice.

We will probably look a little bit like this....

Sent at 3:32PM on Tuesday
*Keep in mind when we get excited we have to shit. It's like clockwork.
TwiNabler: HOLY SHIT WE HAVE TICKETS TO 100 MONKEYS
Me: I'm so stoked.
TwiNabler: me toooooooooooooooooooooo
Me: YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!
TwiNabler: Holy shit batman we are actually doing this. I'm hyperventilating.
Twinabler: fuck fuck fuck fuck my duck duck duck duck with any luck luck luck we will meet JBone.
TwiNabler: Have I mentioned that I'm a wee bit excited? I can't type properly.
Me: OMFG I'm going to poop myself.
TwiNabler: I know I gotta poop too but I just put in a new tampon and I don't want to go poop yet.
Me: That. Was. Awesome.

So, has anyone seen them live? How was it? We will be sure to take a shit ton of pictures and don't worry, we will represent the Twitards proper. No squealy fangirl shenanigans for us. Our coolness factor wouldn't allow it. And just to make sure we will be keeping our fangirl persona's on a short leash and possibly administering some sedatives. Sounds fun right?

Got any 100 Monkeys stories? Spill 'em!!!!

PLEASE KEEP FANGIRL ON A LEASH

In other news...

The other day I received the most amazing Valentines Day card in the whole entire world.

Can I just say that through the Twilight Fandom I have met some of the most incredible people. As most of you on Twitter know (and if you are not on Twitter...WTF?) Poptarrts and I are total besties. We are co-authoring Call of Booty which I will honor with an official post pretty soon here. If you are not reading it, do it now. Trust me you need some hot Gameward in your life.

So I leave you with my little present from my amazing TwitterFanficUK Wifey Poptarrts. Me love you long time.

You know...when something tells me not to do something...I REALLY want to do it. My fingers were just twitching to BEND IT...JUST DO IT...BEND IT!!!!

Great custom cover art...totally dig it. Sights-Ma is a fun nickname she has developed for me.
You'll have to ask her about it.


It was a CARD!!! I was so stoked. I heart cards.

A LOVE poem??? I don't even get love poems from the husband!!! I'm so spoiled.

I have to say...I loved the Twitter format.

@Poptarrts...Iheartyourpuffyfacetooyouskanywhore

TO CHICAGO OR BUST MOTHERFUCKERS!!!

Saturday, February 20, 2010

RARE Twilight Audio Book Audition Tape!!!  

Thanks to some super secret friends of ours we have uncovered a rare audio audition tape for the Twilight Audio books!

We cannot tell you our source because he/she is afraid of getting into trouble for letting this kick ass piece of Twilight history leak to the public.

I hope you take a listen! The celebrity auditioning in this clip has a very unique take on Twilight. I can't even imagine if he would have been chosen to read the audio books!


*Some foul language is used. Please beware at work or with small children.*

Love you ladies! I hope you enjoy!


Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Real Twilight Genius - Kellan Lutz  

Hey-lo there ladies!

Today we have a fun Real Twilight Genius just for you.

As with most of Fandom, we too have been drooling over the Kellan Lutz Calvin Klein photos but hadn't come up with a good way to respond to them until now.

I mean really? How do you respond to such a glorious specimen of man meat?

We picked our jaws up off the ground and wiped the drool from our chins long enough to throw this little ditty together for you....

So, enjoy ladies. I know we did.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Apples & Boobies...with a side of Forks  

*DISCLAIMER*
All original photography by Stoney G. Pumpkin.
Please ask permission before using any of the images in this post.
If you want to use one just email me first.
These are my babies and my heart and soul so please respect all of the artwork.



Erotica.

Art.

Twilight.

Three words that peak my interest whenever they are brought into a conversation separately. Can you imagine what would happen if all three of them came together at once?

I can…because they did.

Every year as part of the Mardi Gras festivities in St. Louis the amazing Koken Art Factory plays host to one of the most entertaining art shows of the year. Usually the weekend before Grande Parade day the enormous warehouse is filled wall to wall with often breathtaking…sometimes funny…always interesting pieces of erotic art. To compliment the art, there are live Burlesque performances by Lola Van Ella & the Bon Bons (please take a moment to check them out), live music, and three fully functional bars.

What's that Lola? You are amazing and everyone should check out your site? I think so too!
Lola VanElla

For me…it is quite possibly the closest thing to heaven on earth.

From the moment I first laid eyes on this festival of debauchery I wanted to get artwork into this show…no, I NEEDED to get artwork into this show.

Of three things I was positive. First, I wanted to do artistic nudes. Second, I wanted it to be tasteful. Third, I didn’t care how, but I was going to incorporate Twilight in the pictures come hell or high water.

My always clever muse T-Nabs had the brilliant idea of alluding to the Twilight book covers in each photo. This worked out nicely because each artist is allowed to submit four pieces of art to be considered for the show and there are four book covers. The day before the shoot I purchased a bag of apples, some red ribbon and a chess set all before I realized that finding the fucking Tulip on the cover of New Moon was going to be next to impossible in time for the art submission deadline.

Fuck you rare out of season Tulip...I hate you.

So, scratch that idea.

Having a very vague idea of what I wanted to create I hauled my camera and some props into my friend Banda’s house (it was a kid free zone) and prepared to shoot my Super Secret Nudie Friend (SSNF from this point forward) in several interesting and most likely compromising positions. With my backdrop all laid out we cranked the heat up in the house, banished Banda’s hubby to the bedroom and then stood around waiting for SSNF to get drunk brave enough to strip down to her birthday suit.

Go ahead and get naked...it's ok I'm a professional photographer.

Soon enough I was snapping away all of us merrily making jokes as SSNF froze to death on the floor of the living room trying to look serious and not laugh as we cracked jokes about her…well…crack.

This one was titled "For Jasper" because it is beautiful but just a little dark and twisty.

We started with our Ode To Twilight….

A crotch-apple a day keeps the yeast infections away?

Sadly we had nothing for New Moon so we moved right onto Eclipse...there was a lot of "Sorry, I'm not trying to grope you right now I just need to get this ribbon around this...yep...right there...ok..." SSNF and I got very up close and personal during this photoshoot. I think in some countries we are legally married now.



My idea for Breaking Dawn was so good in my head but it just didn't translate well into photographs. I had forgotten to take into account the fact that chess pieces would not stay put easily on the curves of a human being without some sort of adhesive...I'm not the brightest crayon in the box sometimes.

I will, however, still share the attempt.



This is when things turned a bit silly.

I asked Banders to go get me some forks. She obliged and to my complete shock dumped about forty forks onto the floor next to me. So what did we do? We started sticking them EVERYWHERE....duh.

Ode to Domward? You decide.

Have you ever had one of those moments when you were not really trying to do something cool but suddenly out of nowhere your mojo just sort of kicks in and takes over? This happened to me during the photoshoot.

I was just about to call "THAT'S A WRAP" when I got a case of the giggles. I started picking up a handful of the random forks laying all around me and jabbing them one by one into a stray apple that had rolled its way beside me on the floor.

Soon I had a sunburst of forks with a bright red apple in the middle. I looked at Banders then at SSNF and they both nodded having the same idea at the same time.

SSNF laid down on her back and I placed the apple sunburst in the only place that made sense...

This was how "Fork It" was born.

FORK IT

I submitted four pieces to the Koken Art Factory Naughti Gras judging panel and kept my fingers crossed that they would accept even ONE of my pieces. This is one of the largest shows in St. Louis and they only accept 150 pieces out of hundreds and hundreds of submissions.

On January 23rd I obsessively checked and rechecked my email waiting for my inbox to finally contain a "Yes" or "No" from the panel.

Finally, there it was...and it was a YES!!! They had accepted "Fork It" into the show!!! I called SSNF, Banders and Nabs and shared my incredible luck! But my luck didn't end there. Four days before the night of the show I got a frantic text from Banders who told me to "call her back right away, don't wait!"

SGP: Hey what's up?
B: Do you have any extra cash right now to get a frame and some matting?
SGP: Why?
B: Dad (her dad works for Koken) just called and said the Naughti Gras people want to enter in another of your pieces. This is a huge deal.
SGP: Done and done.

While the second piece was not Twilight related it's still perty. St. Louis takes Mardi Gras pretty damn seriously so I had to have a salute to Soulard and the amazing people that make it happen every year.

Port de Bras Une Masque

The show was just amazing. There were so many people that attended you could barely find standing room that didn't result in rubbing up against someone inappropriately. I was honored to be represented amongst some of the top artists in St. Louis and I was even more stoked about throwing in my own little Twilightly reference and force feeding it to the erotica loving public.
Me with my photos on display.
Check out my shirt...yeah I'm inappropriate like that.
To see photos of all of the Art please visit Koken Art Factory.

I love all of you ladies!
Special thanks to SSNF for letting me get all "gyno" on her ass
and making this ALL possible.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Red Rockets and Pedophiles  

Let me tell you about what I have done this afternoon to contribute to our blog......absolutely nothing. Stoney has been sitting next to me typing, photo shopping, editing, preparing a post, and being all the hella creative twat waffle that she is while I sit here on my arse googling Twilight shit and drinking chocolate wine. Right now we're listening to Justin Timberlake “Sexy Back” and I'm completely distracted because my greatest fantasy is for Justin and Rpattz to become friends, and go out on the town dressed in their designer suits and vests. I'm having a tough time concentrating. This is just one of the many examples as to why I haven't gotten shit done all day!



Anyway...back to my point...

Wait, before I go any further I need to get something off of my chest. Since I am in a ranting mood due to the consumption of Chocolate flavored wine, I have to just comment on some recent events in the Fandom....

What the fuck are the the fucking shit stick cum bubbles at Fanfic.net thinking? I mean really, are they planning to outlaw the entire “M” rating? I'm super close to organizing a panty-burning protest march of a million blue balled Twilight fanfic whores!


I WILL FUCKING JACK YOU IN YOUR DOUCHE HOLE!!!

I digress...fucking wine....

So today, Stoney came over to my house to “Dock” herself at the Twilight Dork Station, we stumbled upon something hideously disturbing. I was scanning through the blog reel at one of our favoritest sights, Twitarded and I found a post titled “Exclusive First Look at The 'Jacob Black' Doll” The Twilight Blog-Everything Twilight.

Being that Stoney is Team Pedophile our interests were peaked. I proceeded to slap her on the shoulder and yelled, “Hey guess what there's a new Jacob Doll.” Innocent enough right? Yeah, that's what I thought......did I mention we've been drinking? I clicked on the sight to pull it up.


This is the conversation that followed..........................

SGP- Holy fuck, He looks like a baby!

Nabs- He is a baby you little boy fantasizerer!

SGP- No really he looks like a little kid. I mean, he always he always looks young, but that's just.....

Nabs- No Mommy please don't let those crazy women touch me like that!

SGP- Help mom.....when I was at the premiere the other night this woman grabbed my...

Nabs- Mommy she touched my naughty place.

SGP- Now Jake honey, why don't you use your doll to show me how they were touching you.

We went back and forth a bit more. There may or may not have been some crude comments about cum guzzling catholic priests and whether or not Taylor goes jogging while free-balling like Kellan. I can proudly say that we refrained from googling said image. We did prepare the mission, but were utterly unsuccessful in its execution.

Yeah I know...we totally went there...

Wow, I promise I really did have a point in all of this. Oh yeah, Taycob! I ask Stoney at least once a day how much time is left until we don't have to worry about the feds busting down her door for the extensive Taycob photo collections she hordes on her computer anymore.

I've learned today that we are actually pretty damn close to throwing Taycob his Debutante Ball. The big question on my mind though is when Taycob turns 18 are they going to come out with a werewolf inspired dildo? Would it be big and hairy or would it resemble the red tube of lipstick I've got hiding in the back pocket of my stripper suit? Your guess is a good as mine. I do, however, have a name suggestion.......The Wolf Stick!


So, here's to you Taylor Lautner. Wishing you a happy birthday from us soon-to-be non-pedophiles here at TwiSoup! Thank you for finally making that leap into manhood and rescuing us from being arrested! Let me clarify that when I say us I mean Stoney! A weight has been lifted from my shoulders. This ship just couldn't sail without her awesomesauce!

On a final note....you fuckers at Fanfiction.net can suck my dick! Was that graphic enough for ya!?!


Wednesday, February 3, 2010

My Dirty Little Secret...  

Unknown to most...I have been hiding a fanfiction for about a year now.



GASP!!!!

Gasp...I know.

I started this little journey shortly after reading Breaking Dawn knowing that I couldn't just let the story end there. I wasn't ready for it to end. I was sitting around moping like a broken hearted teenager when I finally picked up my laptop and started jotting down a little fantasy that had been rolling around in my head for several days. This fantasy turned into a full length book in a little less than eight months which surprised the heck out of me.

If any of you have written a book or a fanfiction or even poetry you understand when I say that posting your work is like posting a piece of your soul.

When someone reads what you have written it is like you are standing around naked while everyone points at you and picks apart all of your imperfections. It is difficult to expose something so personal to the world unsure of how others will percieve it.

I was never sure that this story would see the light of day until the three people who have read it finally convinced me that if I didn't post it for the rest of fandom I was an idiot and they would scissor kick me in the head. Ninja style.

So I thought, who am I to argue with Ninjas?

They are very convincing aren't they? And so stealthy!

So here it is...the first chapter.

This story takes place after Breaking Dawn. Everything is pretty much the same except Jacob never imprinted on Nessie...I'm not a fan, sorry.

I will post on here as well as on fanfiction.net (The Ascent). I of course appreciate all comments...CC included. If you like it and want to read more let me know and I will post some more!
***FYI due to the peer pressure of a certain cattle selling princess (you know who you are) I have posted Chapters 2 & 3 on fanfiction.net.

Thank you for taking a look. It means a lot to me and to my Beta's who have been just ruthless about getting this up and running.

The Ascent
Chapter One: Charli
Home Sweet Home…

I really hated moving.

I knew how badly my dad needed this new job, but it still didn't make me any happier about packing all of my belongings in four small suitcases and driving halfway across the continental US in an old UHaul Van that smelled like moldy food and dirty feet.

It wasn't the actual act of moving that I hated. I didn't mind the packing, the boxes, the tape, the newspaper; I hated the element of the unknown. What would the new town be like? Would the kids in my new school be friendly? Would I make friends easily; or would I be destined to be an outcast for my last two years of high school?

I grimaced as I shifted in the uncomfortable seat and stretched as far as the small cab would allow.

"You ok?" my dad asked me, not taking his eyes off of the road. The sun was beginning sink behind the trees and it had started to rain. His brow was furrowed in concentration as he tried to make out the twisting, winding road through the hardly working windshield wipers.

"I'm fine." I forced a smile, hoping he wouldn't notice how strained my voice sounded. He didn't, or if he did he thankfully didn't comment.

I stared out my window through the streaks of rain. The droplets made the scene outside look like a distorted and alien sea of green and brown. I knew Washington State was known for its lush vegetation, but no picture I had seen on the internet could quite capture exactly how green everything was. It was a far cry from flat, boring Illinois where I had been living for the past 17 years with my dad.

I glanced over at my dad, my eyes studying his well lined face and salt and pepper hair. He always looked tired and there was a certain sadness to him that made him seem older than his 50 years. I knew that being a single parent to a teenage girl on top of trying to have a career was no easy feat, and it had visibly taken its toll.

When I was only five years old my mother unexpectedly passed away from a rapidly growing brain tumor. There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t miss her and wish that I could have known her. I was so young when she died that I barely remembered her and the few flickers of memories I did have made my heart ache. I found a small amount of comfort in the fact that I look very much like her and I am frequently told as much by people who were close to her.

When I was younger I used to look in the mirror try to imagine her face and her kind eyes and I would let myself believe for even just a moment that she was staring back at me.

Even now I sometimes catch my father staring at me and I can tell by the pain in his eyes that I remind him very much of her. I have her long straight black hair, golden brown skin, and almost too big caramel colored eyes. I am tall like her with square shoulders and legs that are irritatingly too long to find pants that don’t make me look like I’m waiting for a flood. Everything, down to my name, is a constant stinging reminder that I am all that is left of my mom and the love that she and my father shared.

One of my favorite memories of my mom was her passion for her Native American Culture. She was always giving storytelling seminars at local colleges and reservation cultural centers doing her part to keep the legends from long forgotten tribes alive. My father tried very hard to make sure that I understood why my mom was so passionate about our history and he would frequently sit with me and retell her favorite stories. There were so many legends that I had heard so many times that I could tell most of them by heart, but my hands down favorite was the story of how my mom came to name me Charlotte.

Her ancestors came from a small tribe in northern California called the Achomawi. The tribe had a colorful history with many legends and stories that have been passed on for many generations. My mother’s favorite legend was based on her great grandmother who was the young wife of the great Chief Oxberry, the last chief of the Achomawi tribe. Her name was Charlotte--named after the wife of one of the men her father had met when he lived and worked as a guide in a small mining town.

The Achomawi tribe avoided getting forced off their land during the Gold Rush by hiding away in a remote valley that is now known as the Fall River Valley in California. The valley was nestled between the mountains, giving the Achomawi a feeling of security and protection. They lived peacefully for many years living off the land and the rivers and never had a reason to feel unsafe until the worst winter in their history brought with it not only brutal cold and unforgiving ice storms, but also new predator.
Whenever the moon in the sky was full, a pack of enormous beasts would come down from the mountains and terrorize the peaceful Achomawi people. The legend describes them as wolf-like only much larger. They had long sharp teeth and skin and hair that seemed more like armor than fur. No arrow could pierce them, no man could destroy them.
It was the middle of winter when a snow storm unlike any had ever seen before descended upon the small tribe. Despite the fact that it was a full moon the blizzard made it impossible to see anything further than an outstretched hand. It was this night the beasts attacked the Chief himself. The women and children had all taken refuge in a cave near the bottom of the mountain. The men were huddled outside to stand guard and protect their families from the beasts that they knew were coming. They didn't have to wait long because one by one the men began disappearing into the storm. The Chief ordered three of the warriors to seal off the mouth of the cave and to protect the women and children. The warriors closed off the cave with whatever they could find and they waited in silence until day break.
When the sunlight finally filtered through their hastily built barrier they began to break it down and face what tragedy awaited them outside. All of the men were gone except one. The broken body of the Chief lay in front of the doorway to the cave. His wife Charlotte collapsed beside her husband, and from her lungs came the most heartbreaking cry of pain and loss. Her body began to tremor and her cries began to sound like those of a dying tortured animal. A flash of bright light blinded them all and the tribe watched in shock as Charlotte’s body disappeared and was replaced with a giant snowy bird that soared into the sky crying the same painful cries.
For several weeks no one reported seeing the bird, and the Chief's wife was nowhere to be found. They all believed that her sorrow had been so great that she had changed into a spirit and was gone forever. Then, days before the next full moon, the great white bird again appeared in the skies. She flew closer and closer to the earth and when she had almost touched down the Chief’s wife transformed back into her human form, stepping gracefully onto the ground. Charlotte told the warriors that she had found the nest of the beasts and she would lead them to it so they could destroy them. She explained to them that the beasts were actually men who transformed when the moon was full. She told them that she had counted five of these men and that they were most vulnerable in their human form. She again became a bird and she led the men to a cave located halfway up the nearest mountain. They had the element of surprise on their side and the wolf men were not prepared to fight. They captured all but one man who escaped into the wild of the mountains. The captured men were all burned until nothing remained but ash. The tribe was never again attacked by the wolf men, and the legend of the great snowy bird was born.

This legend was so important to my mom that she not only did her college dissertation on the story, she also swore that she would name her first born daughter Charlotte. If my dad had another name picked out, he'd never had a chance. My mother was determined. Another trait I had picked up from her. Dad usually referred to it as stubborn but I personally preferred determined; it sounded like less of a flaw.

Dad was born on the Quileute reservation in Northern Washington State. He met my mom when she was visiting friends when they were both 17. My dad had told me that my mother was the most beautiful girl he had ever laid eyes on and he knew they would be together forever even before they had been formerly introduced. They ended up going to college together, getting married, and settling in small town America with dreams of living a long happy life together. After she passed away, he immediately moved us to another town and dealt with his grief by submerging himself in his work.

As a high school history teacher since college graduation, he had never been interested in doing anything else until after my mom died. After her death he committed himself to his job and managed to go from teacher to principal in a matter of 3 years. He really loved his job, and the last thing he wanted to do was disappoint the kids in his school, but he became very discouraged when recent budget cuts and the shady school board politics in Illinois started making his job almost impossible. He couldn't handle seeing kids drop out and education programs fall by the wayside; it went against everything he believed in and worked for. After a long and difficult school year last year, he had finally made the decision to put in his resignation at the beginning of summer break and had been having a hard time finding something new. It was a stroke of luck that the Quileute Reservation High School was looking for a new principal.

I sat up when I felt the UHaul begin to slow, we were nearing an exit.

"Are we there?" I asked my dad while I leaned forward and squinted through the windshield searching for signs of civilization.

"Almost. We are about to drive through the town of Forks. It is the closest town to the reservation." My dad said turning the van onto a smaller two lane road.

The city of Forks flashed by in mere minutes. It was too small for much more than a general store, gas station, post office, police station, and camping store. As we continued to drive past the center of town the houses became spaced further and further apart until I was again staring at the flashing green and brown of thick forest. Suddenly something caught my eye, a quick flash of reddish brown fur between the trees. It was gone before I could figure out exactly what it was I had seen. It was too big to have been a dog, and the hair was too long for a deer. My pulse quickened.

"Are there bears in the woods here?" I asked my dad, my eyes frantically scanning the tree line as we drove past.

"Sure. But they usually don't get close to town. You shouldn't have to worry about them at all.” His expression was puzzled as he glanced over at me, “Why do you ask?"

"I thought..." I started, and then shook my head, "No, never mind I think I'm just really tired. This has been a long trip." He nodded in agreement and turned back to the road his expression hard for me to read. I stared intently out the window hoping to catch another glimpse of the large animal I had seen running in the forest. No matter how hard I concentrated on the blur of green flying past the windows I didn’t see the animal again. I leaned my forehead against the cool glass and closed my eyes wishing the ride was finally over and wondering if the long drive really was causing me to see things that weren’t there. I felt a surge of anxiety when I heard the tick, tick, tick of the van's turn signal and sat up .

"Home sweet home." My dad smiled at me.

He pulled into a small dirt driveway and put the van into park. I opened the door and stepped out, my legs protesting after being folded into the tiny cab for such a long time. I stretched and breathed deeply. The smell of wet dirt and decomposing vegetation assaulted my nostrils. It was not unpleasant, just unfamiliar. I stepped away from the van and took a look around.

I had visited reservations before. Being Native American you see your fair share, but I had never actually lived on one. It seemed small, but somehow welcoming. There were several simple square houses scattered along the narrow winding street and in the dusk I could see warm lights illuminating the windows. The bluish flicker of television sets and the occasional sounds of disembodied laughter floating through the air was peaceful and familiar. After a moment I made my way to the back of the U-Haul to check on my very favorite possession.
The 69 Chevelle was strapped to a car trailer behind the decrepit U-Haul. Rain drops glittered against its black glossy paint and the chrome accents reflected the lights from neighboring houses. I gently patted the front fender.

"Sorry for the long haul, I’ll be getting you down pretty soon here.” I muttered to the car smiling to myself.

"Sometimes I think you love that car more than your old man." my dad joked as he walked towards me and put his arm around my shoulders.

"Oh, you know that's not true dad. I love you both equally." I playfully punched his side and we both laughed as I pulled myself up on the trailer and started loosening the tow straps. The Chevelle was a gift from my dad when I was 16. We didn't really have a lot in common, but we did both have a healthy respect for classic cars. Sometimes I think he bought the car because he felt guilty for not spending much time with me when I was younger. I wasn't going to complain. The car was a masterpiece.

"So, you aren't making me drive you to school Monday are you?” I asked as he lowered the ramps on the trailer. I couldn't think of anything more embarrassing on my first day in a new school. It was bad enough that I was the daughter of the new principal. Thankfully he understood.

"No, I wouldn't subject you to such cruel and unusual punishment. I’m hitching a ride with one of the teachers and I figure I'll put the word out that I'm looking to buy a used car. Something should turn up soon." He pointed at the car and then at the ramps, "Ready?" he asked.

I nodded and climbed into the driver’s seat. The familiar smell of the cool leather was relaxing and I paused for a moment to enjoy the still silence. “Well, here goes nothing.” I mumbled knowing I was referring to much more than just the task of unloading my car from the tow trailer. With a sigh, I wrapped my fingers around the gear shift and slid it into neutral and slowly eased off the brake. Slowly and gracefully the heavy car rolled off of the trailer. I kept a close eye on my dad in the side mirror as he directed me down the ramps inching the wheel to the left or right depending on his hand signals. My eyes flicked from the rear view to the side view and during that transition was when I caught glimpse of large animal eyes reflecting in the darkness just past the tree line behind my dad. I could see the animal's shape outlined faintly in a dark purplish blue color. I was so surprised I couldn’t breathe, and as I panicked my foot slipped off the brake and the car hurtled backwards down the narrow ramps. The car slid off the ramps sideways and hit the ground hard. I felt my muscles tense as my body flew forward, my head slamming into the steering wheel. I found the brakes with my foot and pushed them to the ground. The car came to an unceremonious stop a few feet from the trailer. My heart was beating fast and the blood was pounding in my ears. I frantically scanned the forest trying to catch a glimpse of the animal I had seen.

"Charli! Charli! Are you ok?" My dad's voice sounded panicked he rushed to the driver’s side window. "What happened?"

"I saw something behind you in the mirror. An animal. It was really big Dad. Taller than you - are you sure about the whole bear thing?" I knew I sounded crazy. But I didn't care. He quickly scanned the edge of the forest and turned back to me leaning into the open window.

"There's nothing there Charlotte.” He said slowly and then gave me "the look". I grimaced. He knew I really hated that look. I had been getting it from adults for as long as I could remember and it had always bothered me most seeing it on his face.

I first got ‘the look’ when I was about ten years old and my dad and I were flipping through old pictures of my mother. I was curled up on his lap and he had paused on a page that had several older pictures of my mom when she was in college. She was young and beautiful and full of broad smiles for the camera. He had absently reached out to touch one of the fading black and white photos gently with his fingertips.

Smiling a toothless grin at him I said sweetly, “Daddy. I like your color best when you are thinking about mommy.”

He stared at me for what had seemed like an eternity, an amused expression on his face. “My color?” He teased with a smile.

“Yeah! What color am I when I look at mommy?” I sat straight as a rod and lifted my chin trying to give him a good view so he would be sure to see my color. He had stared at me curiously for moment.

“You are a silly girl. I don’t see any colors, just you.” With this he gave my nose a playful tweak. I huffed with disappointment.

“But daddy, when we look at mommy you are yellow and you feel so happy!” I explained to him. Of course he had no idea what I was talking about and simply laughed the conversation off without another word.

When my obsession with colors didn’t fade with age, and I developed an annoyingly uncanny ability to know what my father was thinking all based around what ‘color’ I said he was at any given point in time. He finally dragged me –against my will - to numerous visits with eye doctors, psychologists and neurologists. I endured hundreds of tests, and answered hundreds of questions and saw so many doctors I didn’t even try to remember their names or specialties after a while. When all was said and done they all came up with the same diagnosis; normal child with an overactive imagination.

As I got older, and I didn't grow out of my "imagination", I started doing research on my own. I learned that my ability to know things and the colors I could see were not my imagination. I learned that Parapsychologists called people like me Empaths and the colors I could see auras. They were explained as waves of energy emitted by emotions. In other words, when someone was experiencing a certain emotion, they would radiate waves of color. I was probably most excited to learn that there were others out there who could see them too. Unfortunately this knowledge didn't make life any easier for me. Even though I never told anyone about my gift, kids my own age always seemed to sense something about me was different. It was very hard for me to make and keep friends. That is why for most of my life I've tried my best to ignore the colors and the sometimes palpable emotions. But, even I have to admit that sometimes they come in handy.

"It's ok dad. I'm ok. I'm just so tired I think my eyes are playing tricks on me." I tried to sound reassuring.

"Is your head ok?" he asked leaning in to get a better look at me.

Oh crap. I realized I was absently massaging my forehead where it had just ungracefully slammed into the steering wheel. I could feel a bruise already forming. Great! Just what I needed on my first day of school. I grimaced, but not because of the pain.

"Yeah, I'm fine it's just a bruise. Don't worry; I have a thick head." I smiled at him.
He shook his head and chuckled softly. “We could always take a quick drive down to the hospital in Forks and get you checked out.”

I looked at him not even attempting to hide my mortification.

“Absolutely not.” I said staring wide eyed.

“You’re the boss.” He laughed tapping the roof of the car with his fist and turning to walk away towards the house. "Why don’t you get your baby here parked under the car port and come take a peek inside the house."

I had to admit I was eager to get inside and see what the new house looked like. Judging from the exterior I was expecting it to be a little bit worn in, but in a charming kind of way. I parked the car in the carport and locked the doors, quickly inspecting the rear bumper to make sure I hadn’t done any damage during the unloading incident. Satisfied that the Chevelle was exactly as it should be, I raked my hair out of my face and stepped up to the back door. I wrapped my fingers around the old brass doorknob and turned it, pushing on the heavy wood with my shoulder. The door didn’t budge. With a frustrated breath I stepped back and then shoved harder surprised at how stuck the door was to the frame.

I was about to slam my whole body into the unforgiving barrier when I heard a knock on the small glass window.

I looked up and saw my dad peering out at me with a grin plastered across his face. I shot him an irritated glare and mouthed, “It won’t open!”

He shook his head still grinning like an idiot. “Try pulling, genius!” He yelled loudly. I felt my face flush hotly and I rolled my eyes humiliated by my own idiocy. I grabbed the knob and yanked huffing as the door swung open easily. As I crossed the threshold I found myself standing in a small but quaint kitchen. I turned around slowly, savoring every detail.

The counters were well worn and chipped, and a small battered wooden table sat squeezed into the corner surrounded by mismatched barstools and high backed chairs. The room was very tiny and cramped but it had so much character there was no way I couldn’t fall in love with it.
"Well kiddo, what do you think?" my dad asked cautiously.

"I love it!" I threw my arms around him. He returned my hug, squeezing me tightly.

"You have no idea how relieved I am to hear that. I am going to get our suitcases from the van. We'll unpack the rest tomorrow because I don’t know about you, but I need some sleep.” I nodded my head against his chest wordlessly agreeing to sleeping instead of unpacking. He unwound his arms from around me and started towards the door. Before he stepped outside he turned back to me. “Oh yeah, my cousin Sue Clearwater was here yesterday and made up the beds for us and put a casserole in the fridge. She left a note on the counter for you. It has your school schedule clipped to it." He quickly ducked out the door and judging by his heavy footsteps and drooping shoulders he was even more exhausted than I was. I picked up the note.
Welcome home David and Charli!

I figured you two would be beat after your drive so I put some clean sheets and blankets on your beds and some dinner in the fridge. Just pop it in the oven at 375 for a half hour and you should be set! Charli, I had my son pick up your class schedule and a map of the highschool for you. Please call if you need anything!
- Sue Clearwater

I slid the paper clip off of the papers and pulled out the folded schedule and map. I quickly scanned the list of classes before tucking the schedule into my back pocket hoping to not have to look at it again until Monday.

Dad and I ate our dinner in tired silence on paper plates in an empty house. I covered the casserole with plastic wrap and threw our dirty plates and plastic forks in a plastic grocery bag I found in an empty closet. I sighed as I hugged Dad goodnight and drug myself to bed struggling to stay awake long enough to get undressed and slip under the covers. As I pulled the sheets up to my chin and pressed my cheek into the pillow, my eyes fluttered closed and I fell into a very deep and dreamless sleep.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Oh to Forks We'll Go - Dirty Seuss  

It is official...

WE ARE GOING TO FFFFFOOOORRRKKKSSSS!!!!



Yes it is true, TwiSoup will be making an appearance at the Twitarded Forks event of the century. We are bringing along some Twitardy friends and we are getting in our rental car and driving to the Pac Northwest.....ROAD TRIP STYLE!!!!!




Now, like many of you girls, I have a hubby to get through who isn't so hip on my Twilight obsession. He doesn't hate it, he just doesn't quite understand it. I knew I would have to tread lightly when broaching the subject because one wrong move on my part would ruin my chances forever. And as most of you know, this trip means more to me than anything in the world. I will just die if I can't go to FFFFFFFFFFOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRKKKKKKKSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!

And for those of you who don't know my husband he can be slightly intimidating.

Meet Mr. SGP:

He always looks angry...

I love him desperately but sometimes he can be a bit closed minded when it comes to road trips..alone with my girlfriends... across the US to visit the town where a fictional story takes place. Seriously...wtf? Bottom line -He thinks it's weird.

I finally got the balls to ask him a few days ago and I was incredibly shocked to hear him say, "We will talk about it." To which I responded immediately by texting Nabs: HE SAID I COULD GO TO FORKS!!!!


So we booked a room - rented a car - and we are anxiously biding our time until we get to leave on our 36 hour road trip to Twilight Mecca.

To Honor our upcoming trip we have written a poem about it...well...we actually re-wrote a poem.

OH TO FORKS WE'LL GO
adapted from Oh the Places You'll Go - Dr. Seuss



FFFFFFFFFFFFFOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRKKKKKKKKKKKKSSSSSSSSS!!!!!
Today is our day.
We're off to Great Places!
We're off and away!

We have Vodka in our bags.
We have Twilight on the brain.
We will steer ourselves in one direction
we have absolutely no shame.
We're on your own. No penis to say, "NO!"

WE are the bitches who’ll decide where to go.

We’ll ride into Forks,
Stoked to finally be there.
To the natives we'll warn, "You better beware!"
With our bags full of Vodka and Twilight on the brain, The town of Forks will never be the same.

And we will take the town by storm.
With squees and screams!
Like bee's we'll swarm.

At the Forks motel we will all come together.
With little jumps for joy we will laugh, cry and cuss.
You just can't stop chicks as funny and smart as us.

In Forks magic will surely happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew.

Just go right along.
You’ll start happening too.
Oh to Forks we all will Go!

From all over the country!
We will be quite a sight!
We'll join ranks in Forks where our panties will ignite!

Now start saving money, don't give up or be guarded.
Or you’ll miss a great time in Forks with Twitarded.
Some of you might fly, us poor folks will drive.
However you come is fine and alright.

Except when you don’t.
Because, then we will drunk dial your phone.

I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true..
If you miss this pilgrimage you will be sad and so blue.

We plan on some dancing.
And a shot or two or three...
We'll be hung-over together, arrested together it'll be so fun, you'll see!
We will do fun activities! Hurry up don't be slow!
I can't wait to see this herd of ho's hiking it in Hoh!

We will go to Port Angeles and shake up the city.
We'll laugh dance and play and get wasted and shitty!
Will someone get arrested? Will we all end up in jail!
Don't you worry! We've got it covered! Someone will post bail!

Some will take trains or a bus or a plane.
Some will come from Australia and Canada and Spokane.
Sure some naysayers will think we're totally insane.
But No! It's not true!
This will be our escape from all that is normal and maddeningly mundane.

We will see awesome places and become best of friends!
With lots of giggles and pissing of pants!
We'll be ready for anything! We will all have a ball!
Do you think that Forks is ready for us all?

Oh to Forks we will go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. There are games to be won.
And the magical things that can happen in Forks will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Except when you get a hangover that just sucks balls.

And when we're together there is a chance that we'll do things that go deep deep down into Twilight history. Memories we'll think of when we are old and with friends and we'll laugh and we'll smile and we'll piss our Depends.

While there's not much to do and the weather is foul.
To Forks we will go hot chicks on the prowl.
To Bella Italia we'll go and holy moley, we'll all order two cokes and a plate of mushroom ravioli. In Hoh we will hike. We will try to find the meadow and take turns acting out the scene even without a fellow.

Sure our hubbies don't get it, they can be kind of slow.
They don't feel what we feel they don't know what we know.
So be sure when you break the news to your hubby.
Step with care and great tact and remember that we will help you hide the body.
Just never forget to be strong and do a good job.
Don’t take no for an answer ask him while you slob on his knob.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)


Today is our day!
Forks is waiting.
So…get get out of our way!


We are totally going we are two proud dorks!
So…be your name STY or LatchKey Wife or JJ or VitaminR70 or the rest of you biatches we love, we will see you in Forks!