Thursday, October 29, 2009

Burning Bush  

This week I had one of those moments that reminded me of how lucky I am to have you fellow Twihards in my life because the random Twilight related thought that popped into my head the other day was so odd I knew that only you ladies (and perhaps some of you gentlemen) would understand.

I'm sure all of you are like me in that you have developed the uncanny ability to relate anything and everything to Twilight regardless of the content. I like to think of it as a our own superpower...Twidey sense if you will. Anyway, I was in the shower and I was taking care of some landscaping...and I had a thought:

Is Bella a bald eagle?

The thing with Bella is that she is so admittedly low maintenance I kind of doubt that she would go the extra mile to keep it clean and smooth. I'm willing to bet she is a landing strip kinda girl. Or maybe she just keeps the grassy knoll trimmed - or maybe, just maybe she lets her muffin grow wild.

I shudder at the thought.

Then I started to wonder what Edward would prefer. He's an old fashioned kind of guy right? Does he like to keep it real? Or has he changed with the times and come to prefer his kitty clean shaven?

Then my line of thought went totally off the beaten path and I thought about how the only way Edward would know this sort of thing was if he watched porn...then I pondered for a bit if he actually watched porn....then I wondered if he masturbated....then I wondered if vampire's could masturbate....then I wondered if his vamp gravy sparkled (ultimate body glitter right...ok, you are so right, that was uncalled for)...then I managed to get back on track.

That's right...I was talking about bush.

So if Bella isn't a bald eagle, what about Alice, Rose and Esme? Now each of these ladies have a very specific problem when it comes to keeping their vaj spic and span. Once they were changed into vampires they lost the ability to change anything about their physical appearance. They can't cut the the hair on their it would be safe to assume that they are unable to cut the hair on their undercarriage.

With a gasp I realized; Alice, Rose and Esme were sporting 70's porn bush! When each of them were turned it was not in style to trim the hedges. Not to say it wasn't done at all, but most respectable ladies of their time would not have skinned the cat unless it was medically necessary...

Oh no...then there is poor poor Alice. If she was locked away in an asylum there is a damn good chance she never got to shave her pits or legs either. What a curse for a fashionista like Alice Cullen! Hairy legs, hairy pits, hairy bush...the unfairness! The tragedy! How does she manage to wear cute skirts?

Oh Alice, just not sexy...not sexy at all.

I then tried to recall a time in the books when she wore something skimpy...ahhh that's right, PROM. What did she do to hide her hairy pits? There has to be a way to remove unwanted hair - even for an indestructible vampire.

Then it came to me: FIRE

The only thing that can destroy a vampire is fire, right?

So what if they burned their unwanted hair off?

Sure it wouldn't be an exact science, and sure it might hurt a little, but I really think it could work. If bite wounds from other vampires can leave scars (if Jasper had scars then this would mean that he could be injured and his skin did not grow back or repair itself in any way), than surely removal by fire would result in a shortening of the hair without the threat of it growing back.

I'm a fucking genius!

Now someone quick tell Alice that if she has a pubic hair bonfire her troubles will be over!

That gives a whole new meaning to "It burns when I pee..." not to mention "Fire Crotch."

So I guess I found my answer. In the words of Blood Hound Gang..."We don't need no water let the mother fucker burn...burn mother fucker...burn!!!"

I love you ladies.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Don't Meme if I do...  

WOW!!! We got tagged by LKW and Mrs. Vanquish! We feel lurrrrrrved! Ok here's the gist:

So here's the deal: STY and I came up with a couple of questions for all you bloggers. If you're tagged, answer the questions and tag four other blogs. Don't forget to link back to the blog that tagged you! Let's see how many blogs we can get to participate and hopefully at the end of all this we'll know a lot more about each other. Believe it or not, we even made the questions 99% other-blog friendly! I don't think I said vagina or cock gobbling in a single question!

On your mark, get set, GO!!
1) What is the craziest/most stupid thing you've ever done (that you would be willing to share!)?
2) One my personal favorite games: Fuck, Marry, Kill. With the Twilight cast. I can't wait to read these! (Or "Eff, Marry, Kill" if you don't have my potty mouth.)**3) What is your favorite band/type of music?
4) What is your favorite movie besides Twilight?
5) Do you RL life family/friends know you’re addicted to Twilight? A blogger?
6) How many hours a week do you spend doing Twi related things? You know, blogging, looking at pictures of the cast, reading fan fiction, etc.
7) Any random fact you might want to share. Big or small, it doesn't matter. :

Ok, here goes nothin'...Stoney G. Pumpkin the 7 questions of death:

1) What is the craziest/most stupid thing you've ever done (that you would be willing to share!)?
Let's see most of it involves you might get some duplication in there when she answers. Here are a couple b/c seriously, having a rough time narrowing it down.

There was this night of midnight 4-Wheeling that T-Nabs and I decided it was a really kick-ass idea to go skinny dipping in the creek...yeah, I either dumped my clothes in a pile of poison ivy, or I squatted in a field of it to use the outside potty b/c I had it EVERYWHERE the next week and had to get steroid injections to get it to go away. (The following picture was taken BEFORE we left to go riding. Yeah, we were totally shit faced before we even, don't try this at home.)

The other stupid night...let's see...which one do I choose? The party bus, the night we went to see the midget stripper, the Halloween party where we had to scale a fence to get away from the cops and we left our penis cups only to be retrieved at a later date (amazing), all the nights at the gay bar...the Mardi Gras that we snuck a pony keg into the hotel in a duffel bag on the luggage cart...lets see...Oh yes! The Halloween party at Sparky's!

Oh my...

We were both single, me recently so, and we went to a Halloween party at a guys house we didn't know and there was a dildo getting passed around, and lots of making out, and the cops came, and I was dressed as Paul Jr. from Orange County Choppers, and we were drinking that fake legal Absinthe and passing it around to everyone, and there was a keg or two or three - was pretty wild. Shortly after that party I got mono...what the fuuuuuuck.

2) One my personal favorite games: Fuck, Marry, Kill. With the Twilight cast. I can't wait to read these! (Or "Eff, Marry, Kill" if you don't have my potty mouth.)**
Fark: Sir Sparkles-A-Lot himself - Edward...especially dirty Edward! Giggity Giggity!!!
Marry: JACOB - so I can have my way with him whenever I want.
Kill: Holy shiz balls...Jessica for sure. She reminds me of every stuck up snarky biatch in high school that I always had to hold myself back from knocking their block off.

3) What is your favorite band/type of music?
You would ask this question wouldn't you? I like everything. I know - what a lame answer...but seriously. Music is a huge part of my life, I can't live without it. I'm a gimongus TOOL fan. We followed them to five different states on their tour a few years back. I heart Maynard more than anything...I love classic rock and rock...I'm really digging more of an indie rock sound lately. Getting the most play on my ipod right now: Blitzen Trapper, Loney Dear, Seasick Steve, The Black Keys, Fleet Foxes, Santogold, Rosin Murphy...I will stop now.

4) What is your favorite movie besides Twilight?
Arrrg! Peeps, let's put it this way; I almost went to film school. Movies are huge in my book too. Absolute fav: Schindler's List (for content, artistry, film style) - I heart Zombies like nobodies biz and I just saw Zombieland - FUCKING AMAZING. I also heart Grandmas Boy - Sean of the Dead - The Fifth Element -Fried Green Tomatoes...I'm all over the place, I know.

5) Do you RL life family/friends know you’re addicted to Twilight? A blogger?
Yes and Yes. My master and commander - erm, I mean husband, is not a fan of me being a fan. He feels I spend entirely too much time on the computer blogging and such. But he can kiss my ass.

6) How many hours a week do you spend doing Twi related things? You know, blogging, looking at pictures of the cast, reading fan fiction, etc.
Oh boy, probably about 15-20 hours per week - especially if you are including fan fiction.

7) Any random fact you might want to share. Big or small, it doesn't matter. :
Wait till you read T-Nab's answer to this...for me...let's see.
1. I'm a photographer. 2. I'm six feet tall (probably also why I like Jacob). 3. I have horses. 4. Mardi Gras is my Christmas. Seriously. St. Louis has one of the largest Mardi Gras celebrations in the US outside of Mobile and New Orleans and I go NUTS every year. We rent out several suites downtown - invite all of our friends - and do very stupid things like sneak into the Captain Morgan party Tent...muhahahaha.

Me @ Mardi Gras.

Thanks for listening to my rambles.

T-Nabs: The rundown:
Stupid Thing:
I have to say ditto to everything Stoney said and then add one more. We were on a 4-wheeling trip and I was splitting a fifth of SoCo straight from the bottle with no training wheels (chasers) with one of the girls - we had that shit done in less than an hour. We then moved onto some lighter stuff like Root Beer Schnapps and Watermelon pucker (yeah, a couple of the guys brought some real prissy pussy with them on that trip...) Mr. T-Nabs and I lead everyone to the lake nearby for some late night skinny dipping......more alcohol was consumed.....and when we were all settled around the campfire......that is when it happened......I was sitting on Mr. T's lap donning only a small blanket...(in my completely drunken stupor I simply couldn't remember where my clothes were let alone figure out how to dress myself)...So, I may have accidentally done the dirty with him with 5 of my best guy friends and their prissy pussy girls sitting around. At the time I thought I was being real stealthy.....the true embarrassment didn't occur until the next morning (ok afternoon) when sobriety hit me like a mack truck. I peeked my head up out of the bed of the truck that I had passed out in that stomach didn't agree with my body's new semi-vertical state so I quickly launched my top half over the side of the truck and emptied my body of what seemed like all of the alcohol I had consumed the night prior! It wasn't until one of the boys walked up and whispered in my ear that I was going to give everyone a better show this morning than the soft core they got the night before that I realized I was still completely naked and hanging over the side of a truck.
Stealthy my ass......they all knew........and still haven't let me live it down!!!!!

My witnesses...those asses.

Fuck - Marry - Kill:
Fuck.....I'm going to go out on a limb here since we are already playing in fantasy land and say that I'll take a 5 way feast of vampsicle with Carlisle, Emmet, Jasper and Edward! Oh yeah, I just went there!
Kill....who other than Bella would I even contemplate getting rid of?
As for marry....I find myself having a serious crush on Jasper, he reminds me most of my hubby...ya know, all rough around the edges but a total teddy bear underneath. Seriously though, I could never do that to Alice.....unless, of course, she wanted to share and in that case I would totally go Bi for Alice! That really just leaves me with Edward, and even though he is a bit of a whiny pansy in the books (my horrifying conclusion after reading naughty Edward fanfiction) I'd still let him butter my muffin.

Favorite Band:
Hands down almost dead tie between Chili Peppers and Incubus....I'm really beginning to like a bunch of the new bands and sounds that have come out recently, but I will always be in love with my 90's bands! STP, Pearl Jam, Nirvana, Candle Box, Green Day, Tool, Beastie Boys, Presidents, Our Lady peace, Counting Crows.....I could really go on forever....Such a good decade for music!

Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken.....Ya know the one with the girl that jumps the horse of the platform into the pool! Saw it as little girl and still love it to this day! (Note from SGP: Love this one too. Have you seen the chick who plays Senora Webster lately? She is on Burn Notice...holy fuck, she looks like a piece of beef jerky with hair.)

Have I been exposed?
My family other than my husband really have no idea about my obsession....I think they are beginning to realize a bit, but don't really care! My friends however are constantly teasing me about how every convo turns into something Twi related! Most know that Stoney and I have started a blog, but I have yet to give out the actual name to anyone.....I don't know if I am ready for that kind of exposure.

Time spent on Twilight:
I really haven't calculated the exact time I spend on this stuff a week.....Shit, I really don't want to know. I will say that I have made a rule for myself that I can't get on my computer unless one of my children is napping or asleep! I used to go to bed around 10 so that when my youngest woke up at the crack of dawn I was rested.....that rule flew out the window once I found Fan Fic. Now I am usually up to at least one in the morning reading. That alone adds ate least 10 hours to my total!

Hhhhhmmmm a random fact........let me see.........Oh …....Stoney and I actually have a mating dance that involves using hands while wiggling fingers (think spirit fingers coming off your head and ass) as crown and tail feathers while simultaneously wiggling body while prancing and rolling the tongue for acoustic effect......then just as we are about to meet I pounce on her and wrap myself around her body while making a high pitched Caaaawwwww.....Caaaawwwwwwww!!! I shit you not people we actually do this in public....and it has been know to happen without the influence of alcohol! When we say that we don' t really give a flying fuck about what people think about us as long as we are having fun we mean it!!!

And we shall tag...
Under My Edbrella

Everyone else I wanted to tag is already tagged...thats a good thing!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Power Panties...a Quest.  

A while back we wrote a blog about our fanfiction addiction in which we made a plea to all of you to give us some recommendations for more dirty Edward.

One of the gems you came up with was "The Office" by tby789

Holy mother of inappropriate office sex - you girls came through for us! I have to admit that I copied this one to a flash drive and brought it with me to work to read, and I spent many hours looking over my shoulder blushing – praying that no one was standing beside me reading the dirty dirty things going on between Ms. Swan and Mr. Cullen.

When I got the end I immediately texted T-Nabs:

SGP: Power Panties. That’s all I gotta say.

T-Nabs: I take it you finished The Office?

SGP: Oh yes. And WTF- it isn’t finished. I almost fucking kicked a puppy I was so pissed.

T-Nabs: Yeah that sucked…I know.

SGP: I need some Power Panties.

T-Nabs: I was thinking the same thing last week.

SGP: What constitutes a PP?

T-Nabs: Lace, ruffles, crotchless.

SGP: Crotchless? That makes me feel uncomfortable just thinking about it.

T-Nabs: You know you want some.

SGP: So you wanna?

T-Nabs: Go shopping for PP’s?

SGP: Hell yeah!

T-Nabs: I’m so in.

So began our hunt for power panties.

We had it all planned out.

It’s been raining in St. Louis for what feels like a month straight and our kids are starting to act like wild badgers that have been fed a pound of sugar and poked with sticks - so we thought this would be a perfect opportunity to leave them with Mr. T-Nabs for some indoor energy expending activities while we had a munchkin free girl’s day of PP shopping.

Dear god get us out of the effing house...

Of course nothing ever goes as planned.

On the morning of our planned PP adventure, one of T-Nabs kids puked all over herself so Idecided to leave mini-SGP with the in-laws because I was not too eager for her to bring home the funk. I gave mini-SGP her required kisses and hugs before dashing out the door super excited to go hunting for my very own PP's. I reached for the car door and pulled - locked. SHIT! Locked with the keys sitting in the middle console. Not really sure how that happened, something tells me mini-SGP was playing with the power locks again. Irritation beginning to bubble just under the surface, I stomped back into the house, grabbed the keys to my father-in-law's truck and drove up to Mr. SGPs work to get my spare. Why is it when you are excited about something the world always seems to be working against you?

An hour later than we planned, I finally arrived at T-Nab’s house and we were off to the only place we could think that would be sure to have power panties; the mall.

Our first stop was Hot Topic. Not so much for the power panties but for the New Moon Merch that was calling out to us like a siren from the display that was spilling out into the main hallway. We oogled over the Team Jacob and Team Edward paraphernalia and then nearly had mini TruBlood induced heart attacks when we saw they had Merlotte’s t-shirts.

"It will be mine, oh yes, it will be mine."

Then we saw them... Power Panties.

Well, maybe not PP's exactly, but corsets with matching power-ish panties…close enough for us. T-Nabs grabbed one her size and asked the adorably sweet Hot Topic kid who was obviously smitten by her, to open a dressing room. Mr. Hot Topic dilly dallied by chatting us up and showing us pictures of himself on his phone dressed in a Zombie costume for Halloween as we attempted to slyly make our way to the dressing room without him noticing we also had a camera and a few other props in tow. Let me just say that sly is not a word you would normally use to describe us. We are loud, constantly laughing, and we tend to draw attention no matter where we are. Something told me that this whole sneaking around taking pictures process was going to be more difficult than we originally planned.

We finally lost Mr. Hot Topic long enough to snap a quickie for you:

T-Nabs is wearing the latest in the Hot Topic Power Panty collection....

Next we moved onto the once place you can easily find power panties at a mall in the mid-west:

We not only found an amazing assortment of pp’s here but also an awesome selection of Halloween costumes. While T-Nabs sifted through the costumes I pulled panties off the racks and showed them off to her asking for her opinion as to whether or not they fit PP criteria.

After much snickering and chatting up of the adorable salesgirl in a really lame attempt to keep suspicions that we were anything but serious about our possible purchases at bay... T-Nabs headed off to the dressing room, panties in tow, and camera tucked inconspicuously in her back pocket. I tried to talk loudly so that the one clerk in the empty store wouldn’t notice or hear the click-flash of the camera mixed with our giggles and constant stream of inappropriate conversation.

T-Nabs: Sorry this is taking me so long. I am having a hard time getting my clothes back on.

SGP: It’s ok, I know you forgot your helmet today.

T-Nabs: It’s these damn shoes. I forgot my velcro ones so it's taking me a while to figure them out.

SGP: (trying to contain snort's of laughter) Holy shit, I’m writing that down. That’s fucking funny.

While I’m sure we can all agree that T-Nab’s looks irritatingly hot in her PP’s (can you believe this MILF has three kids! WTF I got beat with the chunky stick after I had my ONE kid...fuck genetics, seriously) these panties were more on the expensive side ranging from $20-$45 per pair. Not really ready or willing to drop that kind of cash (we were hoping for $10 and's all about the Hamiltons baby) on underwear we were hoping to have ripped off of us in a moment of passion, we moved on.

We wandered around the mall for a bit longer stopping in places like Victoria's Secret (they are like ninja's in this store - there was no getting past these biatches to take pictures of us modeling PP's) - Forever 21 - DEB's....etc, but didn't find anything worth photographing or purchasing. We did stumble upon a bin-'o-panties and I felt like a pirate digging through an amazing array of lacy booty:


Sad that we were unsucessful thus far in our PP hunt, we left the mall and headed off to a store we were sure could provide power panties for the girl on a budget.

Yes, this is more like it!

Sure, they aren't super exotic or crotchles but they are lacy, pretty, and are sure to make a girl feel sexy.

And best of all if they get destroyed in the heat of the moment you are only out $4!

So we picked out some PP’s to take home and as we left the store happy that we now had our very own power panties – and some bills left in the wallet (Taco Bell anyone?) – we were faced with one last challenge. . .

How the FUCK were we going to get our husbands to rip these off of us in the heat of a softcore-dom/sub moment?

We’ll let you know how that goes.

As you can see, I am keeping guard at the door...

THE END...literally.

I love you all like Bella loves to fall on her ass.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Twilight Showdown at Work  

So yesterday we had a Twilight showdown at my work.

I work in animal medicine and the fall/winter season is typically our slow season. So what do we do to fill the super slow mo mind numbing hours? Fight about Twilight of course!

So I have been successful in converting about half of my staff into Twilight fans. None of them have developed TwiFever – as I like to call it – but they have a healthy respect for the story and they don’t run away from me screaming when I start on a rampage of Twilight proportions. Well most of them don’t anyway…I do have one nemesis…her name is Jodie.

Jodie is not a fan to say the least. In fact she is not a fan of anything vampire related. Whenever topic of conversation turns to Twilight – which it often does in my presence – she hightails it to a Twilight free area of the hospital.
Yesterday we were all standing around talking and one of my co-workers happened to mention that she just rented the first season of TruBlood.

I wasn’t even in the same room but my super vampire radar perked instantly and I shot around the corner on my wheelie doctor’s chair.

Side Note: My lazy ass could totally go Nitro Circus on my wheelie chair…pretty sure I could pull some wicked backflips…look out Travis Pastrana.

And boy do I love me some Travis Pastrana...

“What about TruBlood?” I ask trying to sound cool and collected. Inside I am super stoked that someone wants to talk about Twi/Blood and I wasn’t even the one to instigate the conversation.

At this point Jodie gave me the “Oh fuck, you are not seriously going to start talking about vampires are you?” look.

I just smiled at her and said, “What? At least it’s not Twilight.”

She rolled her eyes and said, “Let me just show you in a diagram how I feel about Twilight and TruBlood.” She casually walked over to our dry erase board with me wheeling hot on her heels.

She grabbed a blue marker and wrote: “Twilight TrueBlood = Vampire BS” Then circled the ‘T’ in Twilight and the ‘T’ in TruBlood and told me that this was the correlation that made the two retarded.

Unable to resist retaliation for such a burn, I hit her where it hurts…in her Elvis obsession.

You see, Jodie is a HUGE Elvis fan. By huge I mean she collects all things Elvis, she has an Elvis tattoo, she was married in the chapel at Graceland and had her reception at the Hard Rock Café on Beal Street in Memphis. She is the Elvis version of a Twitard.

What would that be? An E-Tard?
Man Elvis sure was hot in his day...Anyway..

I quickly grabbed my own weapon of choice – another blue marker – and wrote “Elvis = Ghey” which she promptly tried to scribble out. Her hasty move to erase my defiling of Elvis told me that she was cracking under my attack and it made me happy.

She grabbed her marker and pushed me and my wheelie chair away and circled “Twilight TruBlood = Vampire BS” and added “Insane”.

“See. These two things, make all of you whore’s INSANE!” (this declaration spawned an entire conversation of how it should actually be unsane or disane instead of insane…and made us all start laughing until we were crying accusing each other of disanity).

Then – completely unrelated to anything we were talking about she wrote “Glee = AMAZING” to which I added “I agree.” I had to agree, Glee is fucking amazing. If you peeps aren’t watching it you totally should.

Anyway…back to the board of “disanity” I couldn't help but poke her Elvis wound again (Really, it's all I've got. The girl is pregnant right now so I don't want to play too dirty) and added “Vulva” under Elvis.

“Elvis is nothing but a big sparkly vulva.”

“No, no, no... he LOVE’s vulva.” Jodie corrected me drawing a heart between “Elvis” and “Vulva”.

“And you know what else! This guy” - and she leaned over to write “Robert Pattinson” on the board – “wouldn’t be anything if it weren’t for THIS guy!” - she drew a line connecting Elvis and RPatz.

I really couldn’t argue a whole lot on that point. It was very true that Elvis paved the way for most sex symbols in Hollywood, but I did save face by telling her that Elvis was a tool – and I drew a line from Elvis to my lame attempt at drawing a shovel which ended up looking more like Frylock from Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

Frylock or decide.

“Oh!” Jodie declared in a voice that made me pretty sure I was in trouble. “So if you think Elvis is a tool – then you also are admitting that you think this douche (she dotted angrily under “Robert Pattinson”) is a tool because they are CONNECTED!”


“He may be a tool – but he can hammer his nail in me anytime!” I yelled back.

Suddenly we felt someone wrench between us and grab a marker out of the holder on the wall.

“You two are such douchtards. THIS guy makes it all connected.” Our co-worker Katie wrote “JESUS” in heavy red marker above all of our scribbles.

We both looked at her in total silence.

“Jesus is connected to Twilight, TruBlood, Vampires, Elvis, and Robert Pattinson.” Katie said putting down the red marker with gusto.

“And Frylock shovel! Don’t forget Frylock shovel!” I pointed trying not to laugh.

“See, I know everything. I’m practically God.” Katie announced heading back to her seat, confident she has ended the Twilight/Elvis/Vulva/Frylock shovel/unsane-disane/argument with one taboo squeak of dry erase marker.

“Explain to me how EXACTLY Jesus is connected to vampires?” Jodie asked staring at the board curiously.

“I think Vampires are the ones who killed Jesus.” Katie answered with a straight face.

“Is this your own personal hypothesis? I thought the Jews killed Jesus.”

“Nope Vampires.” She answered quickly with a tone of finality.

There were a few seconds of silence and then Jodie and I looked at each other and with one swift, synchronized movement we chucked our markers at Katie.

So people, there you have it. The Board of Disanity!

Lesson Learned: Even if you have TwiHaters in your workplace, you can often find common ground . In our case, someone more ridiculous than either of us to play dry-erase dodge ball with.

I love you all more than moss loves the trees in Forks.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Renesmee: The Good, The Bad, the Fugly  

So I hate to do this, but I think that I might have to.......RENESMEE....RENESMEE.......RENESMEE!!!

I thought a bit of desensitization may have been in order!

It seems that everything ever said about Renesmee is completely negative. Her very existence in our vampire world upsets many Twihards to the core! I have declared myself to be Team Switzerland from the very beginning of my Twilight days. My neutrality extends beyond the confines of Edward and Jacob and stakes its way into any Twi-argument I become a part of.

Actually, I am Switzerland every moment of my life....just ask anyone who has ever asked me to pick a restaurant for dinner!!! [Note from SGP: Um...she speaks truth. Just today I sent her a text that said, "Has Team Switzerland decided whether or not they are going to the pumpkin patch today?"]

For today's sake I am just going to take the role of Team Renesmee...I know....I know...but I feel it necessary to explore a bit!

OK....So, most of the things that are complained about in Breaking Dawn are spawned directly from Renesmee in some way either it be her conception, her birth, or the pussy “fight” with the Volturi!

I'm not afraid to admit that my first time through BD, she really didn't bother me all that much!

I was actually really happy for them that they had a child together. I imagined how beautiful she was, and truly felt how whole it made them feel. It honestly wasn't until after I had read the whole thing that I went, “WTF Meyer, what a freaggin cop out, you gave everyone exactly what they wanted, and made no sacrifices what-so-ever!” Then I remembered that the series was written for TEENAGERS by a woman of a very conservative background! Although I yearned for more; deep down I knew that it was wrong to ever expect it! (Thank you Jacob's Nessie loving Wolf Stick for the wonderful world of Fan Fiction).

Now, imprinting seems to be one of the biggest arguments out there. Jacob and Quil both imprint on children. First knee jerk reaction is always EEEWWWW, but is it really that bad? (I'm going to go ahead and put out a warning that I am going to leave the safe world of sarcasm and mockery for just a bit to make a serious point here, sorry, bare with me, but I can't seem to help myself)

Soul Mate....what powerful meaning those simple words have to us all. Don't we desire above all to be with our soul's perfect match. Some beliefs tell us that the soul travels through many lifetimes on this planet in different bodies. In those lifetimes the soul feels what the consciousness does not remember, and finds a way back to those it has loved throughout time. Our souls find old friends and lovers. We all meet people that we are instantly attracted to and go, “I feel like I've known you forever” in this sense it is likely that maybe you have. I digress, back to my me it almost seems so incredibly romantic (can't think of a less corny word here) that even though their bodies physical age didn't line up, SM found a way for Jacob and Quil to find their one true match.

HHHhhmmmmmm, I just had a thought, what if Edward had somehow come across Bella as a child. Doesn't a rose at any age smell as sweet? What would he do? Surely he wouldn't drink her, but he would remain obsessed. He may stalk her, protect her, maybe even love her? Would we have been ok with that? I really don't know.

It seems that this is way too broad of a topic to rightfully argue in such a format. In an effort to not bore any of you to tears I am going to end on this......I may not fully agree with the way the series ended. I may think that Miss Meyer should have grown a pair and thrown us an effing bone. I may love my Naughty Edward, but I also LOVE Twilight! Reading the series and all that has followed has changed my life! I will forever be thankful to Stephanie Meyer for giving us all such a gift! I may say that I wanted more from the books, but honestly, it is their innocence that makes them so amazing and unique!

Nessie says, "You haters can suck it!"
Thanks to our own Nameless Wonder for designing this!!! U roxors my boxors.

Love you all.........T-Nabs!

Ok T-Nabs. You said your peace and holy shizzle it was awesome. I have to admit I’m going to have a rough time following that eloquent piece of bloggy persuasion. If I were any less of a badass I would probably jump ship right now and say, “Fuck it. That half breed can stay.” But lucky for you all, I am a badass motha that has a pretty strong opinion when it comes to the Loch Ness monster.

I will start by saying that I agree with T-Nabs in regards to the storyline and where SM was taking it. It is quite obvious that “You Know Who” was the Prozac that made everyone oh so Leave-it-to-Fucking-Beaver happy by the end of Breaking Dawn.

Edward and Bella got to experience parenthood against all odds, Rosalie got a shot at being a surrogate mommy, bi-polar Edward was OK with turning Bella into a vampire because this time it was for a good cause, Jacob got his pseudo Bella, and all the other characters had rainbows and fairy dust shooting out of their asses at the mere sight of Little Miss Thatsjustwrong.

Me likey.

And no, I’m not a total twat face, I get the whole soul mate argument and blah blah blah…but FUUUUUUCK me! That tiny creeper in a onesie stole Breaking Dawn from me and I’m fucking pissed off about it.

So why is it that I hate an innocent half-human baby-lady so much? No, it’s not because she is the byproduct of Bella and Edwards gunshot-to-the-head worthy disappointment of a gravy swap in Breaking Dawn, nor is my irritation based solely on her fucking ridiculous mish-mash of a name, in all honesty it has more to do with the horrible injustice that she brings upon my fuzzy muscle muffin – Jacob.

I really don't want my Jacob on one of these Sex Offender sites...

As you may have noticed at this point that I am 100% Team Jacob. I know the vast majority of you ladies are on Team Sparkles-A-Lot and I really can’t blame you. I openly admit to have dabbled with Team Switzerland myself, especially in the beginning. Although, by the time I finished New Moon I found myself dipping my toe into the dangerous waters of Team Jacob, mostly because he was tall – dark – and on a motorcycle.

Holy fuck nuts... do I have a mad weakness for guys on motorcycles.

So there I was, experimenting with Jacob but still playing for Team E, when I read the scene in Eclipse when Jacob showed up at Forks High School and he and Edward had a mini-face off in the parking lot. The description of Jacob leaning against his Harley, powerful arms folded across his chest…humina, humina…I’m drooling at the mere thought. I remember setting the book down and having a Twilight mind-fuck of a dilemma.
Edward or Jacob? It came down to 1: A sexy tortured pretty boy who sparkles and drives a shiny Volvo; or 2: A tall dark bad boy on a motorcycle.

You bet your sweet underage fictional character loving asses I picked the sexy wolf.

It was this new found love for Jacob that really pushed me over the edge when Renesme came into the picture.

When I picked up on the fact that Bella was preggo in BD I seriously considered throwing my book across the room. I stared at the pages, not really seeing the words, and tried not to hyperventilate. Even if the foreshadowing had been even a bit more on the clever side I still would have picked up where that baby train was headed; straight for my Jacob.

Does this only disturb me?

So then I am to forced to get through chapter after chapter of Bella almost dying and luuuuurving it because it is all in the name of her devil baby....all so her spawn could chew its way out of her fleshy baby pouch so that it could use it’s magic on Jacob to make him worship her. Even though I knew it was coming I still couldn’t hold back the vomit when Jacob imprinted on the creepy baby with teeth.

Fucking sketchy SM…seriously fucking sketchy.

Jacob Black has now been reduced to Creeper Mc Creeperson

I can’t tell you how desperately I wanted Jacob to have a hot and heavy relationship. He deserves some love damnit! Now he has to spend the next five or six years babysitting and changing diapers. That seems so fucking unfair I can’t even tell you. Bella was such a cock tease for so long and now he has to wait even longer for a hybrid baby to grow up into his perfect mate, all the while watching his former love interest – who will eventually be his mother in law – getting it on all night with her new husband. EW Ew Ew, so not cool.

So, that is about it. I do not hate the fact that NessDizzle exists…I don’t hate her presence in the book, I just can’t STAND the fact that Jacob didn’t even have a chance. He was fucked from the beginning.

I'm a sexy hormonal teenager and you are going to hook me up with an infant? Seriously lame.

Nessie, I’m cool with you being around. Your full set of teeth and your messy exodus from your mommy’s uterus kind of makes me vom in my mouth a little, but I know you can’t help who and what you are. It isn’t your fault that mommy and daddy didn’t put a raincoat on. But please for the love of all things Holy…lay off Jacob.

He needs a real woman to show him around...after he turn's 18 of course.

Fuck to the Yeah!!!

Friday, October 2, 2009

My friend the TwiHater  

This is my friend Mike, and he is a TwiHater.

(hehe...I had to find the most embarassing photo, of course.)

Now, before you rabid biatches immediately prepare to deliver him a swift kick in his apples, let me explain a little about him. He and I share many common interests, music and movies and beer-no-one-else- has- ever- heard- of being on top of the “Holy fuck I LOVE that too!” list.

Normally we agree on everything and tend to have in-depth, admittedly nerd worthy, discussions about the aforementioned topics (intoxication is generally the common variable during said discussions). So, back to my point, Mike is not a numb nuts. He is actually a pretty smart dude (*gasp* I know).

Now, an important factoid about Stoney is that after I have a few drinks in me I can’t shut up…about anything. So the half of me that normally stays safely tucked in my little Twilight closet hiding the truth of my demented obsession from the rest of the public, suddenly bursts into the room wearing nothing but a helmet and dancing to “All the Single Ladies”.

No joke. I’m a like a super duper Twilight beacon of dork after a few shots.

So, one particularly awesome night at the bar. . .

And after one or two of these.....
(My name is SGP and I have an Irish Car Bomb addiction...)

And maybe more than just a few of these:

At which point I started to look a little bit like this.

The Twitard in me came out full force.

Mike, not being able to resist an opportunity to make fun of me relentlessly (and really who can blame him, I mean come on) immediately started poking at my Twilight button. He starts off the conversation like this: “I have a bone to pick with you.”

And let me just tell you Mike is a pretty big guy and when you are wasted and not really sure what the hell is going on, and this big 6’3” guy comes at you with a finger in your face yelling, “I have a bone to pick with you.” you simultaneously consider either pooping your pants, crawling into the fetal position and crying, or smashing the nearest beer bottle over his head and running like the pansy that you are.

Of course on this night I did none of those things and instead leaned against the nearest table so that I wouldn’t tip over and slurred, “What bone?”

The triumphant grin on his face should have been enough to shut me up. But noooooooo, I felt the need to make an ass of myself.

“So I watched your little Twilight movie the other night.”

My eyes got really wide and I stared at him like he just told me he was God and he was going to suddenly make me 50 pounds thinner and make Robert Pattinson appear in my bed later that night. My eyes drift to his girlfriend Shelley who is nodding emphatically and looking very proud of herself. Now I have to admit, if I were her, I’d be pretty fucking proud of myself too.

So, I give him a sideways grin and said, “And….?”

“And those fucking cheesy ass non-vampires are the stupidest fucking things I’ve ever seen in my fucking life. No fangs? Out in the daylight? Sparkling? THEY FUCKING SPARKLE!!! What the fuck Stoney! Fuck me!”

Uuughhhh….his words were like a punch to the gut, an uppercut to the nuts, the burniest of burns. I stood and stared at him slack jawed, not able to find words with the voice in my head screaming at me like a deranged hyena:

Jump him! Kick his shins! Tell him he is a fucking fucktard! Tell him he will never be as cool as Maynard from Tool no matter how hard he tries, tell him they are real vampires and that he is the moron, tell him that he is just jealous that he doesn’t sparkle, tell him Rob Pattinson’s pinky toe is bigger than his dick, tell him that Twilight vampires are too cool for pussy little fangs, tell him that no vampire story could ever live up to Twilight ever….

But no, I couldn’t talk. I was silent, and he just started cracking up.

“See, you can’t even argue with me. They aren’t real vampires!”

“Y-y-yes they are. They are the real vampires and yours are the fake ones that are loosely based on mine.” Yeah I actually said that. I sounded like a dumbass. My argument was so weak even I didn’t even believe me. Where the hell were my witty comebacks? Where was my biting sarcasm? I was about to blame my momentary lapse of intelligence and debate ability on my current blood alcohol level and instead started chugging my Blue Moon trying to buy myself some more time when I realized that the real reason I couldn’t come up with a good argument was because I didn’t have one.

In a matter of seconds I had come to realize that somewhere deep inside I agreed with Mike. I found the sparkling, daywalking, non fanged Twilight vampires slightly less ‘real’ than the traditional lusty, fanged vampires.

Now before you stone me alive - hear me out.

I began to ponder my predicament. If I found the Twilight vamps slightly watered down when compared to other vamps, what was it that was keeping me eating, drinking, sleeping, fanfic writing, blogging, spoofing, and talking Twilight 24/7?

As I lowered my gigantic frosty glass mug full of delicious nectar from the Gods... it came to me.

It was the way it made me feel.
It was the characters and how they struck a chord with me. It was the way Edward made me tingle, and the devastation I felt when he left Bella in New Moon. It was the moment I realized I was Team Jacob, and the fanfic that soon followed. It was the way it made me remember what it was like to be in love for the first time. It was the people I was meeting through blogs and the friends I was reconnecting with through our love of Twilight. It was a lot more than just the vampires.

It was so. much. more.

I wanted to turn to Mike and spew this magical epiphany full force at his smug face but I decided against it. If he couldn’t understand why I loved my Twivamps even if they weren’t blood thirsty fanged slutty monsters, he wasn’t going to even begin to comprehend the truth of the matter.

So I took the high road….kind of.

“OK Mike. Suuuuuuuure they are crappy sucktastic vampires. They aren’t real, you are soooo right. You are the one with the PhD in Vampire mythology, my fucking mistake I should have never doubted your judgement..*pause for effect* So, now that we have that cleared up answer me this…if my Twilight vampires are so high on the lame-o-meter, why is it that your girlfriend is thinking about Edward every time she is humping you…hmmmm?”

He of course looks over at Shelley and bless her Twilight loving heart she flashes him a sheepish smile and shrugs.

OH SNAP!!!!!!

S to the GP: 1 - TwiHater's: 0

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Has anyone seen my Edward?  

What is a girl to do after she has read the entire Twilight series cover to cover?

Do you start picking out your favorite scenes, and re-reading them to get your fix?

The meadow, the first night Edward stayed over, the "almost Jacob kiss", the reunion in Volterra, the first night in Edwards new bed, the proposal......the list goes on but, I assure you my friends, it does end. So what's a girl to do?

Ahhh......enter the wonderful world of Fan-Fiction.

I first learned about this amazing new fantasy land from Miss SGP. When I initially came out of the twicloset to her and told her of my dilemma she countered by telling me that she was already a couple hundred pages deep in her very own fan-fiction that depicts Jacob "Post Dawn". She didn't much care for the way his story ended and gave it a big twist. She wouldn't - and still to this day hasn't let me read the damn thing - and in an attempt to keep my attentions otherwise preoccupied she encouraged me to read "Wide Awake". I eventually gave in, after all I was really dying to figure out what this reference to Unicorns was all about...

Holy Shiitake mushrooms...there should be a warning label....

Let me set the scene for you...I had no clue what I was in for and proceeded to read "Wide Awake" while my husband and his best friend were sitting on the couch next to me watching a movie. My husband caught me shifting uncomfortably and blushing so I quickly erased my internet memory, and turned off my computer. That night, once he fell asleep, I stayed up with my computer until the wee hours of morning finishing the story...alone. I soon realized that the embarrassment that would come from his teasing for the blushing incident was nothing compared to the dilemma I now was facing.

Suddenly my fantasy Edward was all sorts of mixed up.

My sweet, gentlemanly Edward was suddenly cursing, rude, and horny. I myself had developed a much more flagrant use of the F bomb in my daily vocabulary. I decided that I really only had one solution. I would have to re-read Twilight.....AGAIN! (I know, what a shame...right?)

I was so excited that I was going to see my "real" Edward *SQEE* ....but NO!

I found myself very pissed off because he was so fucking polite! I mean...fuck...why can't he just smack Bella's fucking ass or pull her hair...or SOMETHING.

So, I hastily skipped forward to the meadow scene fairly sure it was my one sure place to get my real Edward tinglies! Sure as shit....fucking "Wide Awake" Edward had fucking stolen them from me too! Holy hell.....I just wanted my obscene Edward the fuck back!

After this new revelation, I informed SGP of my newest problem. I told her that I was now addicted to naughty Edward.

I also told her that I had made up my mind about her fan-fiction story. She is currently on the fence about referencing Jacob's hard-on during a make-out scene......I am now completely convinced that she should make as many references to Jacob's undulating member, his hard salami, his man-sized manicotti, or his wolf stick as possible!

(Side Note from Stoney: I think she has me convinced...still pondering it. Although, a tall muscular guy like Jacob has got to be packing some heat...right? How could you NOT notice it during a heavy makeout session.)

Until I can read the fruits of that labor, (I am hoping I can convince her of chapter by chapter posts) I am asking you, my Twifriends, for suggestions on my next Twifix! Do you have any favorites that you believe just simply must be read? I willingly admit that I am now addicted and seeking help to find more!

Keep in mind, I like my Edward dirty.

Can I have one please? Just one I won't be greedy.

Love to my Twibitches!