Now, before you rabid biatches immediately prepare to deliver him a swift kick in his apples, let me explain a little about him. He and I share many common interests, music and movies and beer-no-one-else- has- ever- heard- of being on top of the “Holy fuck I LOVE that too!” list.
Normally we agree on everything and tend to have in-depth, admittedly nerd worthy, discussions about the aforementioned topics (intoxication is generally the common variable during said discussions). So, back to my point, Mike is not a numb nuts. He is actually a pretty smart dude (*gasp* I know).
Now, an important factoid about Stoney is that after I have a few drinks in me I can’t shut up…about anything. So the half of me that normally stays safely tucked in my little Twilight closet hiding the truth of my demented obsession from the rest of the public, suddenly bursts into the room wearing nothing but a helmet and dancing to “All the Single Ladies”.
No joke. I’m a like a super duper Twilight beacon of dork after a few shots.
So, one particularly awesome night at the bar. . .
And after one or two of these.....
(My name is SGP and I have an Irish Car Bomb addiction...)
At which point I started to look a little bit like this.
Mike, not being able to resist an opportunity to make fun of me relentlessly (and really who can blame him, I mean come on) immediately started poking at my Twilight button. He starts off the conversation like this: “I have a bone to pick with you.”
And let me just tell you Mike is a pretty big guy and when you are wasted and not really sure what the hell is going on, and this big 6’3” guy comes at you with a finger in your face yelling, “I have a bone to pick with you.” you simultaneously consider either pooping your pants, crawling into the fetal position and crying, or smashing the nearest beer bottle over his head and running like the pansy that you are.
Of course on this night I did none of those things and instead leaned against the nearest table so that I wouldn’t tip over and slurred, “What bone?”
The triumphant grin on his face should have been enough to shut me up. But noooooooo, I felt the need to make an ass of myself.
“So I watched your little Twilight movie the other night.”
My eyes got really wide and I stared at him like he just told me he was God and he was going to suddenly make me 50 pounds thinner and make Robert Pattinson appear in my bed later that night. My eyes drift to his girlfriend Shelley who is nodding emphatically and looking very proud of herself. Now I have to admit, if I were her, I’d be pretty fucking proud of myself too.
So, I give him a sideways grin and said, “And….?”
“And those fucking cheesy ass non-vampires are the stupidest fucking things I’ve ever seen in my fucking life. No fangs? Out in the daylight? Sparkling? THEY FUCKING SPARKLE!!! What the fuck Stoney! Fuck me!”
Uuughhhh….his words were like a punch to the gut, an uppercut to the nuts, the burniest of burns. I stood and stared at him slack jawed, not able to find words with the voice in my head screaming at me like a deranged hyena:
Jump him! Kick his shins! Tell him he is a fucking fucktard! Tell him he will never be as cool as Maynard from Tool no matter how hard he tries, tell him they are real vampires and that he is the moron, tell him that he is just jealous that he doesn’t sparkle, tell him Rob Pattinson’s pinky toe is bigger than his dick, tell him that Twilight vampires are too cool for pussy little fangs, tell him that no vampire story could ever live up to Twilight ever….
But no, I couldn’t talk. I was silent, and he just started cracking up.
“See, you can’t even argue with me. They aren’t real vampires!”
“Y-y-yes they are. They are the real vampires and yours are the fake ones that are loosely based on mine.” Yeah I actually said that. I sounded like a dumbass. My argument was so weak even I didn’t even believe me. Where the hell were my witty comebacks? Where was my biting sarcasm? I was about to blame my momentary lapse of intelligence and debate ability on my current blood alcohol level and instead started chugging my Blue Moon trying to buy myself some more time when I realized that the real reason I couldn’t come up with a good argument was because I didn’t have one.
In a matter of seconds I had come to realize that somewhere deep inside I agreed with Mike. I found the sparkling, daywalking, non fanged Twilight vampires slightly less ‘real’ than the traditional lusty, fanged vampires.
Now before you stone me alive - hear me out.
I began to ponder my predicament. If I found the Twilight vamps slightly watered down when compared to other vamps, what was it that was keeping me eating, drinking, sleeping, fanfic writing, blogging, spoofing, and talking Twilight 24/7?
As I lowered my gigantic frosty glass mug full of delicious nectar from the Gods... it came to me.
It was the way it made me feel.
It was the characters and how they struck a chord with me. It was the way Edward made me tingle, and the devastation I felt when he left Bella in New Moon. It was the moment I realized I was Team Jacob, and the fanfic that soon followed. It was the way it made me remember what it was like to be in love for the first time. It was the people I was meeting through blogs and the friends I was reconnecting with through our love of Twilight. It was a lot more than just the vampires.
It was so. much. more.
I wanted to turn to Mike and spew this magical epiphany full force at his smug face but I decided against it. If he couldn’t understand why I loved my Twivamps even if they weren’t blood thirsty fanged slutty monsters, he wasn’t going to even begin to comprehend the truth of the matter.
So I took the high road….kind of.
“OK Mike. Suuuuuuuure they are crappy sucktastic vampires. They aren’t real, you are soooo right. You are the one with the PhD in Vampire mythology, my fucking mistake I should have never doubted your judgement..*pause for effect* So, now that we have that cleared up answer me this…if my Twilight vampires are so high on the lame-o-meter, why is it that your girlfriend is thinking about Edward every time she is humping you…hmmmm?”
He of course looks over at Shelley and bless her Twilight loving heart she flashes him a sheepish smile and shrugs.
S to the GP: 1 - TwiHater's: 0