If any of you are an uber dork like myself you may have stumbled upon this amazing little gem of a You Tube video:
Star Wars Retold By Someone Who Has Never Seen It
If you haven't seen it... you should. It's fucking hilarious.
Anyway, after watching it I had the brilliant idea to have our favorite friend Jodie The TwiHater tell us the story of Twilight as she sees it (you all may remember her from: Twilight Showdown at Work). I of course am not nearly as movie savvy as the guy who made the Star Wars video but I think we held our own on this one.
Jodie The TwiHater has never read the books or seen the movie. The only thing she knows about Twilight is what she has seen in previews and heard in our random conversations at work. She seemed pretty convinced she had the basic storyline down so I let her have at it.
I hope you enjoy her amazing take on Twilight and a little clever photo editing to go along with her dialogue.
As always, comments keep us motivated. We love all of you! Enjoy!
PS: If you like this one, and you ask nicely we may or may not have a New Moon version up our sleeves.
You Tube Link if you can't see the embedded video.
If any of you are an uber dork like myself you may have stumbled upon this amazing little gem of a You Tube video:
New Moon Premiere:
Wednesday night I was so excited I had to take a Vicodin and about two trips to the bathroom to poop before I could even consider sleeping.
I knew that when I woke up the next morning it would finally be long awaited New Moon Day! After months of waiting, speculating and planning, November 19th was finally here and I could hardly contain my Squee’s of delight.
I woke up entirely too early and spent the better part of my morning pacing the floor from the computer to the door trying not to hyperventilate. At 10:30 I finally heard my doorbell echo through the house and like a giddy teenager I yanked the door open and stood on the threshold staring expectantly at T-Nabs.
After an extended silent stare-off, T-Nabs clenched her hands into tight fists and her face lit up in an anticipatory “squee” face I think any Twilight fan would recognize.
After getting our kiddos settled with a electric babysitter movie and munchies, we set up shop in my living room. In went the Twilight DVD, and out came the plethora of puffy paint, glitter, and other t-shirt making supplies.
We spent the next 8 hours creating our New Moon premiere ensembles and watching Twilight on loop three times (once with commentary). We took breaks only to eat, pee, and pass on the kids to their daddy’s for a night of kid free bliss. We broke open a celebratory bottle of Cherry wine and we glittered and giggled and created the day away.
Finally the golden hour arrived. Another knock at my door signaled the arrival of my amazing friend Banders. She was not feeling very well but her dedication and love for all things Twilight was not going to get her down. She was going to New Moon come hell or high water.
We all piled into the Mazda and headed off to our destiny: Towne Square Cinema – Theater #12.
When we arrived at the theater it was easy to see that we were the first ones there and the theater staff was not expecting anyone for a few more hours. T-Nabs and I were fucking starving but we didn’t want to lose our chances of being first in line so two diehard members of our posse offered to stay behind and hold our spots at the front of the line. T-Nabs, Banders and myself made a beeline to Taco Bell.
Now I suppose I should set the scene a bit here. While Banders looks pretty freakin’ normal, T-Nabs and I…well…we don’t. I’m sure you have noticed that we like to make asses of ourselves. We are not afraid to let our inner drag queen show herself no matter the occasion. Not only were we decked out in completely glittered home-made tshirts, our faces were covered in Vegas girl style glitter designs and we were wearing Team Switzerland boingy headbands. Needless to say we attracted some attention, thankfully most of it good.
Before we ventured back inside T-Nabs and I pulled out our drug of choice for the evening: A big cool bottle of Stoli (in honor of RPatz of course).
We took turns taking shots (that’s right bitches…we don’t need no stinking training wheels) and we filled our flasks in preparation for a long glorious night.
New Moon was still 4 hours away.
As we sat in the holding line we made friends with some kick ass 15 year olds sitting next to us. I’m pretty sure we taught them some things we probably shouldn’t have (like how sneak candy and alcohol into a movie theater…in your bra of course! And how much Stoli should go into your cup of soda) but we all had a blast talking about New Moon and how fucking excited we all were.
We were UBER lucky and two hours before the show started the theater peeps let us into the actual auditorium so we could sit and hang out comfortably before the show started. We RAN for our choice seats and were thrilled to see our line buddies choose the seats directly in front of us. See the bonds you make through Twlight? It’s truly glorious.
T-Nabs and I of course had ants in our pants so we couldn’t stay seated for very long. We preferred to get up and wander around the theater and talk to other Twihards. We got lots of mad props for our boingy headbands and even had people ask to take our pictures…now, I do understand that they may have been taking our pictures because they thought that we were mentally unstable…but you know what? I’m totally fucking cool with that.
After Tour de TwiSoup we finally made our way through the crowd and back to our theater where we unknowingly walked smack into World War III.
We like to call it: Thursday night RAW!!! Kate Gosselin vs. Sweet Lady SMACKDOWN!!!
Ok, so it really wasn’t Kate Gossselin…but the lady had the horrific Kate Gosselin reverse mullet going on and she thought she was the fucking shit. I’m not joking people. This bitch thought she was the hottest MILF on the planet and she had 20 seats saved for her and her tribe of creepy matching stepford mommys and nine year old daughters. At this point the theater is packed and she is directing traffic like she owns the place. We are 1 hour until take off and most of her party has not yet arrived so she has about 15 empty seats which were quickly becoming a hot commodity. Apparently Sweet Lady and her daughter wandered around the theater for a bit and couldn’t find seats so they accidentally sat down in Kate Gosselin's “reserved VIP seating” area.
All hell broke fucking lose. KG flew off the handle and started screaming at this poor woman and stomping around and waving her finger like a spoiled twat face. She didn’t nicely ask this woman to move she SCREAMED at her. After a few moments of yelling and pointing she marched off to find a manager. She pulls him into the theater and starts wagging her finger in his face and pointing at the poor Sweet Lady and her daughter. Manager Man walks over to Sweet Lady and motions for them both to stand up and then asks them to move.
WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!
At this point there are NO seats left. Sweet lady and her daughter are standing there looking completely lost while KG is standing there looking all smug and satisfied with herself. You all have no idea how badly I wanted to launch myself off my seat and tackle the bitch.
Of course T-Nabs and I can’t stand for this. No little girl deserves to have to have this happen to her on her New Moon night. It was her special fucking night! Unable to let this just happen without doing something about it T-Nabs stands up and turns to face the back of the theater and says:
“Do you guys see what is going on down there?”
She gets several sympathetic nods.
“Is that seat empty? How about that one? If you guys move over and you move up one row can we get two seats together? We can? Oh my god you guys fucking ROCK!!!”
We find Sweet Lady and her daughter seats! With the team work of all the TWiHards around us…we made it happen.
T-nabs and I tear down the stairs after Sweet Lady boingy headbands bouncing wildly on our heads. As we turn the corner we almost run smack into Sweet Lady who is talking to the Manager Man.
“We found you seats!” We exclaim in stereo. “We saw what happened and everyone moved and we got you seats!”
Sweet Lady looks at both of us probably fearful for her life…and honestly I can’t blame her, we look pretty crazy. But then she smiles. “See, there are nice people in the world still.”
At this time Banders comes around the corner and looks right at Manager Man and says, “I cannot believe that happened. I am appalled that you let that woman kick these two people out of those seats.”
Manager Man smiles sympathetically. “Yeah, I know. Please feel free to throw your trash on her on your way out. I will happily clean it up.”
Yeah people. He totally said that.
We high-five each other and return to our seats feeling like we did something pretty fucking awesome in the name of Twilight.
[To those of you who were there that night and you moved seats so those two could sit together…YOU EFFING ROCK MY WORLD!!!]
As you all know the movie fucking rocked – I laughed, I cried, I was totally fucked in the head after that Alice vision frolick-in-the-daisy-field scene – and I still have blue balls from watching half naked wolves for two hours straight.
New Moon for the win! Sure it had its moments were we all went…Whaaa? But the New Moon midnight show experience is something I will remember forever. Thank you to everyone who was there that made it memorable:
by TwiSoup | 8 comments
My name is Nameless Wonder and I am a self-proclaimed member of Team Edward. You know the kind, “Edward and Bella forever” and all that.
Total vamp girl all the way - no ifs, ands or buts about it.
But deep down within my soul there is a very dark secret that I must confess – I am in love with Jacob Black.
Now before all you Team Edwards form a lynch mob and come after me, please allow me to tell you my story. The truth is I am probably more shocked than you at this sudden revelation because not only was I a devoted member of Team Edward, I was a very outspoken advocate AGAINST Team Jacob – I literally hated his character. And yet here I am, going “dark side.”
[SGP NOTE: She speaks truth, when we first started admitting to each other that we were Twilight obsessed and I admitted to being Team Jake...she nearly lopped my head off with a shovel.]
My only excuse for this sudden change of heart can best be explained by the following photo:
Okay, so I’m a little slow to jump on the Taylor bandwagon. But come on, just look at him (however be forewarned, you may not be able to STOP looking) Just like our favorite heroine of the saga, I too am human. And Taylor Lautner (aka Jacob Black) definitely “speaks” to my most basic of human needs…and I know y’all know what I’m talking about...
So there you have it. I’ve gone dark side simply because Taylor Lautner is HOT!
Well, okay. So there definitely is some truth to that statement, but putting those ripped six-pack abs aside, lets look at Jacob from a less distracting point-of-view, that of Stephanie Meyer’s.
In my own opinion, The Twilight Saga is written in a way that we as readers experience the story mostly from the same perspective as Bella. We read Stephanie’s words as they are being told through the eyes of this one character and for me, it became very personal. The more engrossed in the story I became, the more I found myself becoming the character of Bella. And because of this, it wasn’t just Bella that fell in love with Edward, I myself did as well. When Edward leaves in New Moon, every emotion Bella experienced, I experienced. He didn’t just leave Bella, he left me.
However, Bella must be stronger than I, because as she was able to at times forget and find comfort in Jacob’s friendship, I simply couldn’t. For me, it was Edward or nothing. New Moon was almost torturous for me to listen to (clarification on this – I listen to the audio books, not hardcopy). I fought back the urge to just “skip a few cd’s” and get to the point of the story when Edward has his comeback. But I didn’t give in, and I suffered through the Jacob-centric storyline. And I didn’t enjoy one bit of it. Even the big “Jacob is a wolf” reveal (spoiler alert if you haven’t read the books, – which if you haven’t, why the hell are you reading this?) was rather predictable and not satisfying at all to me. Just give me my Edward back and all will be good. And then Alice shows up, they take a quick trip to Italy and all is well once again.
As far as I was concerned, I say to Jacob Black - goodbye and good riddance.
Oh, but Jacob doesn’t say goodbye. He just keeps coming back. As the story progresses through Eclipse, all is well with Bella and Edward. I have the love of my life back and all is bliss once again. But this annoying little hot head of a kid just won’t go away. Through-out Eclipse, Jacob develops into a very stubborn, immature guy that doesn’t know when to back off. He’s too competitive, too driven by jealousy, and at times he’s very close to crossing a line of being too forceful with Bella. Even when she tells him to back off, he doesn’t. Damn you Jacob - no means no. Deal with it. At this point, I REALLY don’t like Jacob Black.
Then Stephanie changes it up a bit in Breaking Dawn. No longer is the story told solely through the eyes of Bella, but now we have Jacob’s perspective as well. And listening to the audio version of the book adds to the overall effect this has on the story, mainly because the Jacob perspective is presented through a male reader, really separating his story from Bella’s. And I will admit, stepping into his shoes and understanding his motives and thoughts really got me rethinking my hatred towards his character. Of course, at the same time Edward is just flat out annoying and at times unbearable (but that’s a whole other blog) which makes it very easy to begin sympathizing with and enjoying Jacob. And then of course when Renessmee comes, Jacob Imprints on her. Suddenly his once undying obsession to win Bella comes to an end and we’re left with a Jacob that is kind-hearted and well…lovable. No longer viewing him as a threat to Bella and Edward’s happiness, I was finally able to “relax” and just enjoy Jacob for who he was.
And it is with this mindset that I entered my first re-reading of the Twilight Saga. Reliving all the emotions that is Twilight, I loved Edward more than ever and although it still hurt when he left, the devastation of his absence was almost non-existent. I think having experienced the entire Saga from a Bella perspective, on the re-reading I was able to detach myself from her and read the story from my own perspective. And I must say, my perspective of the Twilight Saga is rather different than Bella’s. I won’t go into much detail on that, but what is important here is that during New Moon, I really enjoyed Jacob’s character.
Thinking back on it, I honestly can’t really say why I missed all this the first time around. I think I was just so hooked on Edward Cullen that everything else just didn’t matter. But now, Jacob made me laugh, he made me cry; he made me feel for him. And by the time I was onto my second run through of Breaking Dawn, Bella and Edward both just annoyed me and it was always a refreshing change when the story shifted to Jacob once again.
I found a new-found appreciation for Jacob Black as I re-read the Twilight Saga, and now with the release of New Moon the movie, this appreciation moved to a whole new level. Let’s just say that when Bella goes to Italy to save her beloved Edward, I was thinking “Ah let him die…” I just wanted more Jacob (okay, lets be honest here – I wanted more of Jacob’s body : ) Edward in New Moon really didn’t do much for me, and I think this is for two reasons:
1 – Because you’ve got Jacob hanging around with his shirt off all the time, talk about a major distraction. I laughed my ass off when they finally get to Italy and Edward dramatically takes his shirt off as he walks towards the light. After watching Jacob prance around half naked for the past hour, when Edward shows off his stuff, it’s like “seriously, that’s all you got?” Here Jacob is Death by Chocolate and Edward is some prepackaged, not even home-made chocolate chip cookie. You can’t even compare the two. Now I know in the book Edward is described as being almost as muscular as Jacob, but in the real world, Mr. Rob doesn’t even hold a candle to Taylor.
So, now to really confuse the hell out of y’all -
After all I have just said, I have to say that I am still, and always will be a devoted member of Team Edward. And I say this because at the end of the day, for me the true beauty of Twilight is the love that exists between Edward and Bella, and the magical quality it has (yes, I said magical…yes I know that is extremely corny). And when it’s all said and done, I will always want Bella and Edward to be together. Just as Bella said, it has always been him.
But for now, I’m enjoying the eye candy that is New Moon the movie and for the time being, I’m going Jake-Side...and I know I’m not the only one...
by TwiSoup | 10 comments
Disclaimer from T-Nabs: I in no way think that I am America's next top model. I am actually pretty freaked out to have these pictures up...but I did it for you biatches to get a laugh. Please do not take these pictures seriously as I don't, and either does Stoney [well, I take composition seriously...but not content]. Enjoy them! Go Team Moustache!!!
As a photographer, I am often searching for new and innovative ways to stretch my artistic muscles... if you will. Lately it seems that I have been toiling away at newborn portraits, pet portraits, senior portraits...blah blah blah...While these are still fun and and I love doing them it isn't where my true passion lies.
Although I am probably the furthest thing from a fashionista...I am OBSESSED with fashion photography. If I could run away to New York and become Nigel Barker...I totally would. Unfortunately, only the occasional Trash the Dress photo session gives me the free reign of a true fashion shoot. I knew I was due.
T-Nabs and I were sitting around the other day (probably drinking again...damn wine) wondering what new and fun thing we could come up with for the blog. We knew it was going to be hard following up the Dirty Seuss post...but we were confident we had something up our sleeves.
Thankfully, T-Nabs is hot (T-Nabs: Her words not mine) and very photogenic and an extrovert to boot. She doesn't mind letting me use her as a photographic guinea pig and for that I am sure I will be eternally grateful.
We were trying to think of a good way to incorporate Twilight into a fanfuntastic photo session that would tie in not only our obsession for Twilight...but our quirky-dorky-personalities too.
Then it came to me. Let's do a fashion style photo shoot that pays homage to one of the greatest characters in Twilight: Charlie Swan.
And so the Tribute to Charlie Swan was born.
Now, we couldn't just dress up like a hot cop or wrap T-Nabs in a Rainier can...so...we tapped in to Chief Swans other passion: Fishing.
Off we went to Busch Wildlife in Defiance, MO with tons of gear and fishing pole in tow. We trekked a mile in mucky mud (I actually lost my shoe at one point) until we reached our destination...the spillway. It was beautiful, secluded, and perfect for the "atmosphere" we were going for.
Enter fishing pole, fishnets, high heels, flannel and big over sized boots and...a moustache.
I hope you enjoy them as much as we did taking them. We really want to do another session so if any of you creative peeps out there have a suggestions for the next character to honor...we are all ears!
Click on photos to see them in full resolution.
by TwiSoup | 11 comments
***And if you haven't read it yet...you MUST!!! Here is some linkage: The Office ***
I am sure you all remember our first installment "Bella's Virgin Clam" well, I warmly welcome you all to sit back, relax, and enjoy our version of "The Cat in the Hat". . . I will warn you though, this is much much naughtier than the last one. The subject matter of course was slightly more saucy.
I hope you like it! If you do... show us some love and comment and maybe we will do some more...
Awww who the fuck am I kidding, we will do more anyway because we laugh our asses off in the process. Nothing like a bottle of wine...or two...split between two friends while forever ruining the most sacred of childhood reading classics.
So, without futher ado...
based on "The Office"
Ripped off from Dr. Seuss: The Cat in the Hat
The sun did not shine
It was a really rough day
As I sat in the office
Watching the clock tick tick away.
I sat there with Angela
We sat there, we two.
And I said, "How I wish
my boss Beautiful Bastard
Would go to Timbuktu."
It was almost time to go home.
I had one more thing to do.
Go over a presentation with Beautiful B.
He was going to be an asshole, that much I knew.
So I walked in the room
and there he sat
I did not like it.
I did not like and that is that.
Something went BUMP!
How that bump made me jump.
I felt his hand on my rump!
And I saw him!
It was the Beautiful B's hand on my ass.
And he said to me,
"Why do you torture me like that?"
"Fuck me you are wet
I want to touch you where the sun is not sunny
Let me tear off those panties, my how these are yummy."
"I know some good games we could play, "
He said in a whisper.
"I know some new tricks
A lot of good tricks.
I will show them to you
And Ms. Swan
You will not mind at all if I do."
Then with the smoothness
of a blues and jazz singer
He reached down under
and inserted a finger.
But the voice in my head said, "No! No!"
Make that Beautiful Bastard go away!
Tell that Beautiful Bastard
You do NOT want to play.
He should not be here.
He is immoral and corrupt!
He should not be here
Tell him to get fucked!
"Now! Now! Have no fear.
Have no fear!" Said my boss.
"My tricks are not bad,"
And he ripped open my blouse disregarding all costs.
"Why, we can have
lots of good fun, even a blast!
With a game that I call
Get-up-up against that glass."
"What are you doing?" I asked
"This just isn't right!
Put me down Mr. Cullen!"
"Oh Ms. Swan you're so tight!"
"You are such a tease!" Said the Beautiful B.
"I will not let you go
I will fuck you so hard
and won't stop until I blow.
I'll split you in two.
Ms. Swan just wait and see!
But that is not ALL I can do!"
said the Beautiful B...
"Look at you!!
Look at you now!" said the Beautiful B.
"With you pressed against glass!
Look at your legs!
Fuck! Look at your ass!
I will fuck you so silly!
But that's not all,
That is not all..."
"Look at you!
Look at me!
Look at us NOW!
It is fun to have fun.
But you have to know how.
I can hold onto your ass.
And rip off your lace!
I can pound you hard!
I like to see the look on your face!
I can fuck you silly!
Look how wet you’ve become!
And look! With my cock!
I can make you cum!
I can fuck with my cock!
While you fondle my balls!
But that is not all.
That is not all….”
That is what the beautiful B said
Before I bent down to give him head!
He came hard in my mouth.
And I looked up at him from below
I shrugged, after all
Getting him off was quid pro quo.
Off home we both went
I was pissed I was hot!
I asked, “Do I like this?
Oh no! I do not.
This is not a good game,”
I said as I lit.
“No I do not like it,
Not one little bit!”
“Now look what you did!”
I told Beautiful B the next day.
“Look at my panties!
You destroyed them, you will pay!
You will pay for my clothes
That you destroyed last night.
You will pay for what you did
You will pay, oh that’s right!
I SHOULD NOT be here
This isn’t good, I’m not a whore!
You get out of my life!’
I yelled as I slammed the door.
“But I like you right here.
Oh I like it a lot.”
Said the Beautiful B
As he kissed me, so hot.
“I will NOT go away.
I do NOT wish to go!
And so,” Said the Beautiful B,
“So so so….
I will show you another good game that I know!”
And then he ripped them.
As fast as a fox.
He ripped of f my panties
And fingered my box.
But that wasn’t enough
I needed more than his hand
“I want your mouth on me.”
I said, and he obeyed my command.
With my heel on his shoulder
He licked at my bean
“I will call this game Fun-In-A-Box,”
Said the Beautiful B.
“In this box is one thing
I will show you now.
You will like this thing.”
Said Beautiful B with a bow.
"I will suck on your clit.
You will be unable to fathom
This thing you will feel
Is called an orgasm.
This thing will not bite you.
It really is fun!:
Then out of his pants
Came ball two and ball one.
And he rammed his cock in me,
He said, “How do you do?”
Flapping against my ass
Was ball one and ball two.
And silly me
Did not know what to do.
So I did what he said
I fucked him hard too.
I let him fuck me!
I let him fuck me, “No! No!”
This man should not affect me
So strongly! Please let me go!
“I should not be here!
Even though you are so hot!
I don’t want to get caught!”
“Have no fear little girl,”
Said the Beautiful B.
“These things are good things.
You are hot. Oh, so hot!
You are such a cock tease.
Come here, spread your legs
I will make you come with ease.”
“Now here is a game you will like,”
I said to the B.
“I will show you my ass
In the lift, you will see!
“No! That’s not fair!
You are such a cock tease
I will cover this camera before anyone see’s
Oh, the things I will hump!
Oh, your ass I will hit!
Oh, and you will like it!
You hot little bitch.”
Then the Beautiful B
Hit the button on the wall
And the elevator
Came to a stall.
My body went as he pushed me into the wall.
Finger one Finger two
They went in they went out
In the slick wet of my center
I wanted to shout!
With his cock hot my back
I was putty where I stood
I was so close to coming
He hand fucked me so good.
His fingers went in and went out
With big bumps, jumps and kicks
And with hops and big thumps
And all kinds of bad tricks
And I said,
“I do NOT like the way we play!
If you father were to see this,
Oh, what would he say!”
Then the phone rang, “Ring Ring!”
And Beautiful B jumped with fear.
“Yes the elevator stalled!
We are quite fine in here.”
“Oh what will he do to us?
What will he say?
Oh your dad would not like it
To find us this way.”
“So get dressed fast.”
Said the Beautiful B
This is our floor.
Our floor don’t you see.
So he picked up my panties
Up off of the floor with haste
He held them to his nose
And said, “You smell as good as you taste.”
On my way back from a meeting
I discovered a store
So I stopped and decided
To go through the door.
I was in La Perla
Where she bought all her panties
All the lace and ribbons
Was making me antsy.
“See something you like?”
She said very vexing
I felt my cock twitch,
She was so fucking sexy.
“Come with me” She said and pulled me into a room
We were all alone
I knew I was doomed.
She took off her shirt
It fell to the floor with a plop
And I had them! At last!
Those two breasts!
I can’t stop!
Then I said to Ms. Swan
“Now you do as I say.
Look at yourself in the mirror
Watch me fuck you this way.”
“Oh fuck!” said Ms.Swan
“Just shut up and fuck me…
Oh fuck Fuck me please!
Fuck me please!
Fuck me please!
The she shuddered around me
Her box quivered and spasmed
And I came insider her
Fuck me what an orgasm!
I picked up the clothes
Up off of the floor.
I straightened my tie I flung open the door.
And with all of my might
I tried to deny what I felt.
Right before I left I said, “Get the garter belt.”
I was back at my house
Why that Beautiful B
He has some kind of sexual hold on me!
I keep giving in
I have to stop letting go!
But he keeps showing me
These fucking tricks that he knows.
Then I fucked him at his parents
In the bathroom no less.
Then I fucked him in my car
Holy shit what a mess.
Then I fucked him in Seattle
On a chair on the roof
On the balcony, the hotel, the shower, it’s truth!
But here in Seattle
I discovered with glee
I loved Beautiful B
And I hope he loved me.
And then we came back to the Office
And his dad said to us two,
“Did you have any fun?
Tell me. What did you do?”
And B and I did not know
What to say.
Should we tell him?
The things that went on there? No way!
Should we tell him about it?
Now, what SHOULD we do?
What would YOU do
If daddy Carlisle asked YOU???
by TwiSoup | 18 comments