My name is Nameless Wonder and I am a self-proclaimed member of Team Edward. You know the kind, “Edward and Bella forever” and all that.

Total vamp girl all the way - no ifs, ands or buts about it.

But deep down within my soul there is a very dark secret that I must confess – I am in love with Jacob Black.

Now before all you Team Edwards form a lynch mob and come after me, please allow me to tell you my story. The truth is I am probably more shocked than you at this sudden revelation because not only was I a devoted member of Team Edward, I was a very outspoken advocate AGAINST Team Jacob – I literally hated his character. And yet here I am, going “dark side.”

[SGP NOTE: She speaks truth, when we first started admitting to each other that we were Twilight obsessed and I admitted to being Team Jake...she nearly lopped my head off with a shovel.]

My only excuse for this sudden change of heart can best be explained by the following photo:

Okay, so I’m a little slow to jump on the Taylor bandwagon. But come on, just look at him (however be forewarned, you may not be able to STOP looking) Just like our favorite heroine of the saga, I too am human. And Taylor Lautner (aka Jacob Black) definitely “speaks” to my most basic of human needs…and I know y’all know what I’m talking about...

So there you have it. I’ve gone dark side simply because Taylor Lautner is HOT!


Well, okay. So there definitely is some truth to that statement, but putting those ripped six-pack abs aside, lets look at Jacob from a less distracting point-of-view, that of Stephanie Meyer’s.

In my own opinion, The Twilight Saga is written in a way that we as readers experience the story mostly from the same perspective as Bella. We read Stephanie’s words as they are being told through the eyes of this one character and for me, it became very personal. The more engrossed in the story I became, the more I found myself becoming the character of Bella. And because of this, it wasn’t just Bella that fell in love with Edward, I myself did as well. When Edward leaves in New Moon, every emotion Bella experienced, I experienced. He didn’t just leave Bella, he left me.

However, Bella must be stronger than I, because as she was able to at times forget and find comfort in Jacob’s friendship, I simply couldn’t. For me, it was Edward or nothing. New Moon was almost torturous for me to listen to (clarification on this – I listen to the audio books, not hardcopy). I fought back the urge to just “skip a few cd’s” and get to the point of the story when Edward has his comeback. But I didn’t give in, and I suffered through the Jacob-centric storyline. And I didn’t enjoy one bit of it. Even the big “Jacob is a wolf” reveal (spoiler alert if you haven’t read the books, – which if you haven’t, why the hell are you reading this?) was rather predictable and not satisfying at all to me. Just give me my Edward back and all will be good. And then Alice shows up, they take a quick trip to Italy and all is well once again.

As far as I was concerned, I say to Jacob Black - goodbye and good riddance.


Oh, but Jacob doesn’t say goodbye. He just keeps coming back. As the story progresses through Eclipse, all is well with Bella and Edward. I have the love of my life back and all is bliss once again. But this annoying little hot head of a kid just won’t go away. Through-out Eclipse, Jacob develops into a very stubborn, immature guy that doesn’t know when to back off. He’s too competitive, too driven by jealousy, and at times he’s very close to crossing a line of being too forceful with Bella. Even when she tells him to back off, he doesn’t. Damn you Jacob - no means no. Deal with it. At this point, I REALLY don’t like Jacob Black.

Then Stephanie changes it up a bit in Breaking Dawn. No longer is the story told solely through the eyes of Bella, but now we have Jacob’s perspective as well. And listening to the audio version of the book adds to the overall effect this has on the story, mainly because the Jacob perspective is presented through a male reader, really separating his story from Bella’s. And I will admit, stepping into his shoes and understanding his motives and thoughts really got me rethinking my hatred towards his character. Of course, at the same time Edward is just flat out annoying and at times unbearable (but that’s a whole other blog) which makes it very easy to begin sympathizing with and enjoying Jacob. And then of course when Renessmee comes, Jacob Imprints on her. Suddenly his once undying obsession to win Bella comes to an end and we’re left with a Jacob that is kind-hearted and well…lovable. No longer viewing him as a threat to Bella and Edward’s happiness, I was finally able to “relax” and just enjoy Jacob for who he was.


And it is with this mindset that I entered my first re-reading of the Twilight Saga. Reliving all the emotions that is Twilight, I loved Edward more than ever and although it still hurt when he left, the devastation of his absence was almost non-existent. I think having experienced the entire Saga from a Bella perspective, on the re-reading I was able to detach myself from her and read the story from my own perspective. And I must say, my perspective of the Twilight Saga is rather different than Bella’s. I won’t go into much detail on that, but what is important here is that during New Moon, I really enjoyed Jacob’s character.

Thinking back on it, I honestly can’t really say why I missed all this the first time around. I think I was just so hooked on Edward Cullen that everything else just didn’t matter. But now, Jacob made me laugh, he made me cry; he made me feel for him. And by the time I was onto my second run through of Breaking Dawn, Bella and Edward both just annoyed me and it was always a refreshing change when the story shifted to Jacob once again.

I found a new-found appreciation for Jacob Black as I re-read the Twilight Saga, and now with the release of New Moon the movie, this appreciation moved to a whole new level. Let’s just say that when Bella goes to Italy to save her beloved Edward, I was thinking “Ah let him die…” I just wanted more Jacob (okay, lets be honest here – I wanted more of Jacob’s body : ) Edward in New Moon really didn’t do much for me, and I think this is for two reasons:

1 – Because you’ve got Jacob hanging around with his shirt off all the time, talk about a major distraction. I laughed my ass off when they finally get to Italy and Edward dramatically takes his shirt off as he walks towards the light. After watching Jacob prance around half naked for the past hour, when Edward shows off his stuff, it’s like “seriously, that’s all you got?” Here Jacob is Death by Chocolate and Edward is some prepackaged, not even home-made chocolate chip cookie. You can’t even compare the two. Now I know in the book Edward is described as being almost as muscular as Jacob, but in the real world, Mr. Rob doesn’t even hold a candle to Taylor.

And 2 – (on a more serious note) because for the first time, I was able to enjoy this story completely detached from the story emotionally. I was finally able to experience this from a completely outside perspective, and witnessing it visually just made me think to myself, if I were Bella and Edward left me the way he did (hell the whole damn family left me the way they did) I would not just run back into his arms at the first chance I got, all being forgiven. Hell no, I would have kicked his ass! And to have her tell Jacob that “I’d choose him, it’s always been him” man that just hurt. Here Jacob has been her friend, picked up the pieces and put her back together and she turns her back on him the second Edward is back in the picture. And yes I have read the books so I know that emotionally, it’s not as simple as this. But right now, with those six pack abs staring back at me, all I know is that if Jacob were standing in my window begging me not to go, he’d only have to ask me once : ) Hell, he probably wouldn’t have to ask me at all.

So, now to really confuse the hell out of y’all -

After all I have just said, I have to say that I am still, and always will be a devoted member of Team Edward. And I say this because at the end of the day, for me the true beauty of Twilight is the love that exists between Edward and Bella, and the magical quality it has (yes, I said magical…yes I know that is extremely corny). And when it’s all said and done, I will always want Bella and Edward to be together. Just as Bella said, it has always been him.

But for now, I’m enjoying the eye candy that is New Moon the movie and for the time being, I’m going Jake-Side...and I know I’m not the only one...

Disclaimer from T-Nabs: I in no way think that I am America's next top model. I am actually pretty freaked out to have these pictures up...but I did it for you biatches to get a laugh. Please do not take these pictures seriously as I don't, and either does Stoney [well, I take composition seriously...but not content]. Enjoy them! Go Team Moustache!!!

As a photographer, I am often searching for new and innovative ways to stretch my artistic muscles... if you will. Lately it seems that I have been toiling away at newborn portraits, pet portraits, senior portraits...blah blah blah...While these are still fun and and I love doing them it isn't where my true passion lies.

Although I am probably the furthest thing from a fashionista...I am OBSESSED with fashion photography. If I could run away to New York and become Nigel Barker...I totally would. Unfortunately, only the occasional Trash the Dress photo session gives me the free reign of a true fashion shoot. I knew I was due.

Enter Twilight.

T-Nabs and I were sitting around the other day (probably drinking again...damn wine) wondering what new and fun thing we could come up with for the blog. We knew it was going to be hard following up the Dirty Seuss post...but we were confident we had something up our sleeves.

Thankfully, T-Nabs is hot (T-Nabs: Her words not mine) and very photogenic and an extrovert to boot. She doesn't mind letting me use her as a photographic guinea pig and for that I am sure I will be eternally grateful.

We were trying to think of a good way to incorporate Twilight into a fanfuntastic photo session that would tie in not only our obsession for Twilight...but our quirky-dorky-personalities too.

Then it came to me. Let's do a fashion style photo shoot that pays homage to one of the greatest characters in Twilight: Charlie Swan.

And so the Tribute to Charlie Swan was born.

Now, we couldn't just dress up like a hot cop or wrap T-Nabs in a Rainier can...so...we tapped in to Chief Swans other passion: Fishing.

Off we went to Busch Wildlife in Defiance, MO with tons of gear and fishing pole in tow. We trekked a mile in mucky mud (I actually lost my shoe at one point) until we reached our destination...the spillway. It was beautiful, secluded, and perfect for the "atmosphere" we were going for.

Enter fishing pole, fishnets, high heels, flannel and big over sized boots and...a moustache.

I hope you enjoy them as much as we did taking them. We really want to do another session so if any of you creative peeps out there have a suggestions for the next character to honor...we are all ears!

Click on photos to see them in full resolution.

So we all know how much T-Nabs and I LUUUURVE 'The Office'. Our Power Panties quest should be proof enough of that. Well, we have taken our love for this amazing bit of sexy fanfiction and written our own homage to it...Dirty Seuss Style.

***And if you haven't read it yet...you MUST!!! Here is some linkage: The Office ***

I am sure you all remember our first installment "Bella's Virgin Clam" well, I warmly welcome you all to sit back, relax, and enjoy our version of "The Cat in the Hat". . . I will warn you though, this is much much naughtier than the last one. The subject matter of course was slightly more saucy.

I hope you like it! If you do... show us some love and comment and maybe we will do some more...

Awww who the fuck am I kidding, we will do more anyway because we laugh our asses off in the process. Nothing like a bottle of wine...or two...split between two friends while forever ruining the most sacred of childhood reading classics.

So, without futher ado...

This week I had one of those moments that reminded me of how lucky I am to have you fellow Twihards in my life because the random Twilight related thought that popped into my head the other day was so odd I knew that only you ladies (and perhaps some of you gentlemen) would understand.

I'm sure all of you are like me in that you have developed the uncanny ability to relate anything and everything to Twilight regardless of the content. I like to think of it as a our own superpower...Twidey sense if you will. Anyway, I was in the shower and I was taking care of some landscaping...and I had a thought:

Is Bella a bald eagle?




The thing with Bella is that she is so admittedly low maintenance I kind of doubt that she would go the extra mile to keep it clean and smooth. I'm willing to bet she is a landing strip kinda girl. Or maybe she just keeps the grassy knoll trimmed - or maybe, just maybe she lets her muffin grow wild.

Then I started to wonder what Edward would prefer. He's an old fashioned kind of guy right? Does he like to keep it real? Or has he changed with the times and come to prefer his kitty clean shaven?

Then my line of thought went totally off the beaten path and I thought about how the only way Edward would know this sort of thing was if he watched porn...then I pondered for a bit if he actually watched porn....then I wondered if he masturbated....then I wondered if vampire's could masturbate....then I wondered if his vamp gravy sparkled (ultimate body glitter right...ok, you are so right, that was uncalled for)...then I managed to get back on track.




So if Bella isn't a bald eagle, what about Alice, Rose and Esme? Now each of these ladies have a very specific problem when it comes to keeping their vaj spic and span. Once they were changed into vampires they lost the ability to change anything about their physical appearance. They can't cut the the hair on their heads...so it would be safe to assume that they are unable to cut the hair on their undercarriage.

With a gasp I realized; Alice, Rose and Esme were sporting 70's porn bush! When each of them were turned it was not in style to trim the hedges. Not to say it wasn't done at all, but most respectable ladies of their time would not have skinned the cat unless it was medically necessary...

Oh no...then there is poor poor Alice. If she was locked away in an asylum there is a damn good chance she never got to shave her pits or legs either. What a curse for a fashionista like Alice Cullen! Hairy legs, hairy pits, hairy bush...the unfairness! The tragedy! How does she manage to wear cute skirts?



I then tried to recall a time in the books when she wore something skimpy...ahhh that's right, PROM. What did she do to hide her hairy pits? There has to be a way to remove unwanted hair - even for an indestructible vampire.

Then it came to me: FIRE

The only thing that can destroy a vampire is fire, right?

So what if they burned their unwanted hair off?

Sure it wouldn't be an exact science, and sure it might hurt a little, but I really think it could work. If bite wounds from other vampires can leave scars (if Jasper had scars then this would mean that he could be injured and his skin did not grow back or repair itself in any way), than surely removal by fire would result in a shortening of the hair without the threat of it growing back.

I'm a fucking genius!

Now someone quick tell Alice that if she has a pubic hair bonfire her troubles will be over!


That gives a whole new meaning to "It burns when I pee..." not to mention "Fire Crotch."

So I guess I found my answer. In the words of Blood Hound Gang..."We don't need no water let the mother fucker burn...burn mother fucker...burn!!!"

I love you ladies.

The other stupid night...let's see...which one do I choose? The party bus, the night we went to see the midget stripper, the Halloween party where we had to scale a fence to get away from the cops and we left our penis cups only to be retrieved at a later date (amazing), all the nights at the gay bar...the Mardi Gras that we snuck a pony keg into the hotel in a duffel bag on the luggage cart...lets see...Oh yes! The Halloween party at Sparky's!

Oh my...


We were both single, me recently so, and we went to a Halloween party at a guys house we didn't know and there was a dildo getting passed around, and lots of making out, and the cops came, and I was dressed as Paul Jr. from Orange County Choppers, and we were drinking that fake legal Absinthe and passing it around to everyone, and there was a keg or two or three - ok...it was pretty wild. Shortly after that party I got mono...what the fuuuuuuck.

2) One my personal favorite games: Fuck, Marry, Kill. With the Twilight cast. I can't wait to read these! (Or "Eff, Marry, Kill" if you don't have my potty mouth.)**
Fark: Sir Sparkles-A-Lot himself - Edward...especially dirty Edward! Giggity Giggity!!!
Marry: JACOB - so I can have my way with him whenever I want.
Kill: Holy shiz balls...Jessica for sure. She reminds me of every stuck up snarky biatch in high school that I always had to hold myself back from knocking their block off.

3) What is your favorite band/type of music?
You would ask this question wouldn't you? I like everything. I know - what a lame answer...but seriously. Music is a huge part of my life, I can't live without it. I'm a gimongus TOOL fan. We followed them to five different states on their tour a few years back. I heart Maynard more than anything...I love classic rock and rock...I'm really digging more of an indie rock sound lately. Getting the most play on my ipod right now: Blitzen Trapper, Loney Dear, Seasick Steve, The Black Keys, Fleet Foxes, Santogold, Rosin Murphy...I will stop now.

4) What is your favorite movie besides Twilight?
Arrrg! Peeps, let's put it this way; I almost went to film school. Movies are huge in my book too. Absolute fav: Schindler's List (for content, artistry, film style) - I heart Zombies like nobodies biz and I just saw Zombieland - FUCKING AMAZING. I also heart Grandmas Boy - Sean of the Dead - The Fifth Element -Fried Green Tomatoes...I'm all over the place, I know.

5) Do you RL life family/friends know you’re addicted to Twilight? A blogger?
Yes and Yes. My master and commander - erm, I mean husband, is not a fan of me being a fan. He feels I spend entirely too much time on the computer blogging and such. But he can kiss my ass.

6) How many hours a week do you spend doing Twi related things? You know, blogging, looking at pictures of the cast, reading fan fiction, etc.
Oh boy, probably about 15-20 hours per week - especially if you are including fan fiction.

7) Any random fact you might want to share. Big or small, it doesn't matter. :
Wait till you read T-Nab's answer to this...for me...let's see.
1. I'm a photographer. 2. I'm six feet tall (probably also why I like Jacob). 3. I have horses. 4. Mardi Gras is my Christmas. Seriously. St. Louis has one of the largest Mardi Gras celebrations in the US outside of Mobile and New Orleans and I go NUTS every year. We rent out several suites downtown - invite all of our friends - and do very stupid things like sneak into the Captain Morgan party Tent...muhahahaha.

Me @ Mardi Gras.

Thanks for listening to my rambles.

T-Nabs: The rundown:
Stupid Thing:
I have to say ditto to everything Stoney said and then add one more. We were on a 4-wheeling trip and I was splitting a fifth of SoCo straight from the bottle with no training wheels (chasers) with one of the girls - we had that shit done in less than an hour. We then moved onto some lighter stuff like Root Beer Schnapps and Watermelon pucker (yeah, a couple of the guys brought some real prissy pussy with them on that trip...) Mr. T-Nabs and I lead everyone to the lake nearby for some late night skinny dipping......more alcohol was consumed.....and when we were all settled around the campfire......that is when it happened......I was sitting on Mr. T's lap donning only a small blanket...(in my completely drunken stupor I simply couldn't remember where my clothes were let alone figure out how to dress myself)...So, I may have accidentally done the dirty with him with 5 of my best guy friends and their prissy pussy girls sitting around. At the time I thought I was being real stealthy.....the true embarrassment didn't occur until the next morning (ok afternoon) when sobriety hit me like a mack truck. I peeked my head up out of the bed of the truck that I had passed out in that night...my stomach didn't agree with my body's new semi-vertical state so I quickly launched my top half over the side of the truck and emptied my body of what seemed like all of the alcohol I had consumed the night prior! It wasn't until one of the boys walked up and whispered in my ear that I was going to give everyone a better show this morning than the soft core they got the night before that I realized I was still completely naked and hanging over the side of a truck.
Stealthy my ass......they all knew........and still haven't let me live it down!!!!!

My witnesses...those asses.

Fuck - Marry - Kill:
Fuck.....I'm going to go out on a limb here since we are already playing in fantasy land and say that I'll take a 5 way feast of vampsicle with Carlisle, Emmet, Jasper and Edward! Oh yeah, I just went there!
Kill....who other than Bella would I even contemplate getting rid of?
As for marry....I find myself having a serious crush on Jasper, he reminds me most of my hubby...ya know, all rough around the edges but a total teddy bear underneath. Seriously though, I could never do that to Alice.....unless, of course, she wanted to share and in that case I would totally go Bi for Alice! That really just leaves me with Edward, and even though he is a bit of a whiny pansy in the books (my horrifying conclusion after reading naughty Edward fanfiction) I'd still let him butter my muffin.

Favorite Band:
Hands down almost dead tie between Chili Peppers and Incubus....I'm really beginning to like a bunch of the new bands and sounds that have come out recently, but I will always be in love with my 90's bands! STP, Pearl Jam, Nirvana, Candle Box, Green Day, Tool, Beastie Boys, Presidents, Our Lady peace, Counting Crows.....I could really go on forever....Such a good decade for music!

Movie:
Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken.....Ya know the one with the girl that jumps the horse of the platform into the pool! Saw it as little girl and still love it to this day! (Note from SGP: Love this one too. Have you seen the chick who plays Senora Webster lately? She is on Burn Notice...holy fuck, she looks like a piece of beef jerky with hair.)

Have I been exposed?
My family other than my husband really have no idea about my obsession....I think they are beginning to realize a bit, but don't really care! My friends however are constantly teasing me about how every convo turns into something Twi related! Most know that Stoney and I have started a blog, but I have yet to give out the actual name to anyone.....I don't know if I am ready for that kind of exposure.

Time spent on Twilight:
I really haven't calculated the exact time I spend on this stuff a week.....Shit, I really don't want to know. I will say that I have made a rule for myself that I can't get on my computer unless one of my children is napping or asleep! I used to go to bed around 10 so that when my youngest woke up at the crack of dawn I was rested.....that rule flew out the window once I found Fan Fic. Now I am usually up to at least one in the morning reading. That alone adds ate least 10 hours to my total!

Hhhhhmmmm a random fact........let me see.........Oh …....Stoney and I actually have a mating dance that involves using hands while wiggling fingers (think spirit fingers coming off your head and ass) as crown and tail feathers while simultaneously wiggling body while prancing and rolling the tongue for acoustic effect......then just as we are about to meet I pounce on her and wrap myself around her body while making a high pitched Caaaawwwww.....Caaaawwwwwwww!!! I shit you not people we actually do this in public....and it has been know to happen without the influence of alcohol! When we say that we don' t really give a flying fuck about what people think about us as long as we are having fun we mean it!!!

And we shall tag...
Under My Edbrella
Twisessed

Everyone else I wanted to tag is already tagged...thats a good thing!

A while back we wrote a blog about our fanfiction addiction in which we made a plea to all of you to give us some recommendations for more dirty Edward.

One of the gems you came up with was "The Office" by tby789

Holy mother of inappropriate office sex - you girls came through for us! I have to admit that I copied this one to a flash drive and brought it with me to work to read, and I spent many hours looking over my shoulder blushing – praying that no one was standing beside me reading the dirty dirty things going on between Ms. Swan and Mr. Cullen.

When I got the end I immediately texted T-Nabs:

SGP: Power Panties. That’s all I gotta say.

T-Nabs: I take it you finished The Office?

SGP: Oh yes. And WTF- it isn’t finished. I almost fucking kicked a puppy I was so pissed.

T-Nabs: Yeah that sucked…I know.

SGP: I need some Power Panties.

T-Nabs: I was thinking the same thing last week.

SGP: What constitutes a PP?

T-Nabs: Lace, ruffles, crotchless.

SGP: Crotchless? That makes me feel uncomfortable just thinking about it.

T-Nabs: You know you want some.

SGP: So you wanna?

T-Nabs: Go shopping for PP’s?

SGP: Hell yeah!

T-Nabs: I’m so in.

So began our hunt for power panties.

We had it all planned out.

It’s been raining in St. Louis for what feels like a month straight and our kids are starting to act like wild badgers that have been fed a pound of sugar and poked with sticks - so we thought this would be a perfect opportunity to leave them with Mr. T-Nabs for some indoor energy expending activities while we had a munchkin free girl’s day of PP shopping.

Of course nothing ever goes as planned.

On the morning of our planned PP adventure, one of T-Nabs kids puked all over herself so Idecided to leave mini-SGP with the in-laws because I was not too eager for her to bring home the funk. I gave mini-SGP her required kisses and hugs before dashing out the door super excited to go hunting for my very own PP's. I reached for the car door and pulled - locked. SHIT! Locked with the keys sitting in the middle console. Not really sure how that happened, something tells me mini-SGP was playing with the power locks again. Irritation beginning to bubble just under the surface, I stomped back into the house, grabbed the keys to my father-in-law's truck and drove up to Mr. SGPs work to get my spare. Why is it when you are excited about something the world always seems to be working against you?

An hour later than we planned, I finally arrived at T-Nab’s house and we were off to the only place we could think that would be sure to have power panties; the mall.



Our first stop was Hot Topic. Not so much for the power panties but for the New Moon Merch that was calling out to us like a siren from the display that was spilling out into the main hallway. We oogled over the Team Jacob and Team Edward paraphernalia and then nearly had mini TruBlood induced heart attacks when we saw they had Merlotte’s t-shirts.



Then we saw them... Power Panties.

Well, maybe not PP's exactly, but corsets with matching power-ish panties…close enough for us. T-Nabs grabbed one her size and asked the adorably sweet Hot Topic kid who was obviously smitten by her, to open a dressing room. Mr. Hot Topic dilly dallied by chatting us up and showing us pictures of himself on his phone dressed in a Zombie costume for Halloween as we attempted to slyly make our way to the dressing room without him noticing we also had a camera and a few other props in tow. Let me just say that sly is not a word you would normally use to describe us. We are loud, constantly laughing, and we tend to draw attention no matter where we are. Something told me that this whole sneaking around taking pictures process was going to be more difficult than we originally planned.

We finally lost Mr. Hot Topic long enough to snap a quickie for you:



Next we moved onto the once place you can easily find power panties at a mall in the mid-west:



We not only found an amazing assortment of pp’s here but also an awesome selection of Halloween costumes. While T-Nabs sifted through the costumes I pulled panties off the racks and showed them off to her asking for her opinion as to whether or not they fit PP criteria.

After much snickering and chatting up of the adorable salesgirl in a really lame attempt to keep suspicions that we were anything but serious about our possible purchases at bay... T-Nabs headed off to the dressing room, panties in tow, and camera tucked inconspicuously in her back pocket. I tried to talk loudly so that the one clerk in the empty store wouldn’t notice or hear the click-flash of the camera mixed with our giggles and constant stream of inappropriate conversation.





T-Nabs: Sorry this is taking me so long. I am having a hard time getting my clothes back on.

SGP: It’s ok, I know you forgot your helmet today.

T-Nabs: It’s these damn shoes. I forgot my velcro ones so it's taking me a while to figure them out.

SGP: (trying to contain snort's of laughter) Holy shit, I’m writing that down. That’s fucking funny.


While I’m sure we can all agree that T-Nab’s looks irritatingly hot in her PP’s (can you believe this MILF has three kids! WTF I got beat with the chunky stick after I had my ONE kid...fuck genetics, seriously) these panties were more on the expensive side ranging from $20-$45 per pair. Not really ready or willing to drop that kind of cash (we were hoping for $10 and under...it's all about the Hamiltons baby) on underwear we were hoping to have ripped off of us in a moment of passion, we moved on.

We wandered around the mall for a bit longer stopping in places like Victoria's Secret (they are like ninja's in this store - there was no getting past these biatches to take pictures of us modeling PP's) - Forever 21 - DEB's....etc, but didn't find anything worth photographing or purchasing. We did stumble upon a bin-'o-panties and I felt like a pirate digging through an amazing array of lacy booty:


Sad that we were unsucessful thus far in our PP hunt, we left the mall and headed off to a store we were sure could provide power panties for the girl on a budget.

Yes, this is more like it!


Sure, they aren't super exotic or crotchles but they are lacy, pretty, and are sure to make a girl feel sexy.

And best of all if they get destroyed in the heat of the moment you are only out $4!

So we picked out some PP’s to take home and as we left the store happy that we now had our very own power panties – and some bills left in the wallet (Taco Bell anyone?) – we were faced with one last challenge. . .

How the FUCK were we going to get our husbands to rip these off of us in the heat of a softcore-dom/sub moment?

We’ll let you know how that goes.

So yesterday we had a Twilight showdown at my work.

I work in animal medicine and the fall/winter season is typically our slow season. So what do we do to fill the super slow mo mind numbing hours? Fight about Twilight of course!

So I have been successful in converting about half of my staff into Twilight fans. None of them have developed TwiFever – as I like to call it – but they have a healthy respect for the story and they don’t run away from me screaming when I start on a rampage of Twilight proportions. Well most of them don’t anyway…I do have one nemesis…her name is Jodie.


Jodie is not a fan to say the least. In fact she is not a fan of anything vampire related. Whenever topic of conversation turns to Twilight – which it often does in my presence – she hightails it to a Twilight free area of the hospital.
Yesterday we were all standing around talking and one of my co-workers happened to mention that she just rented the first season of TruBlood.

I wasn’t even in the same room but my super vampire radar perked instantly and I shot around the corner on my wheelie doctor’s chair.

“What about TruBlood?” I ask trying to sound cool and collected. Inside I am super stoked that someone wants to talk about Twi/Blood and I wasn’t even the one to instigate the conversation.

At this point Jodie gave me the “Oh fuck, you are not seriously going to start talking about vampires are you?” look.

I just smiled at her and said, “What? At least it’s not Twilight.”

She rolled her eyes and said, “Let me just show you in a diagram how I feel about Twilight and TruBlood.” She casually walked over to our dry erase board with me wheeling hot on her heels.

She grabbed a blue marker and wrote: “Twilight TrueBlood = Vampire BS” Then circled the ‘T’ in Twilight and the ‘T’ in TruBlood and told me that this was the correlation that made the two retarded.


Unable to resist retaliation for such a burn, I hit her where it hurts…in her Elvis obsession.

You see, Jodie is a HUGE Elvis fan. By huge I mean she collects all things Elvis, she has an Elvis tattoo, she was married in the chapel at Graceland and had her reception at the Hard Rock Café on Beal Street in Memphis. She is the Elvis version of a Twitard.

I quickly grabbed my own weapon of choice – another blue marker – and wrote “Elvis = Ghey” which she promptly tried to scribble out. Her hasty move to erase my defiling of Elvis told me that she was cracking under my attack and it made me happy.


She grabbed her marker and pushed me and my wheelie chair away and circled “Twilight TruBlood = Vampire BS” and added “Insane”.

“See. These two things, make all of you whore’s INSANE!” (this declaration spawned an entire conversation of how it should actually be unsane or disane instead of insane…and made us all start laughing until we were crying accusing each other of disanity).

Then – completely unrelated to anything we were talking about she wrote “Glee = AMAZING” to which I added “I agree.” I had to agree, Glee is fucking amazing. If you peeps aren’t watching it you totally should.

Anyway…back to the board of “disanity” I couldn't help but poke her Elvis wound again (Really, it's all I've got. The girl is pregnant right now so I don't want to play too dirty) and added “Vulva” under Elvis.

“Elvis is nothing but a big sparkly vulva.”

“No, no, no... he LOVE’s vulva.” Jodie corrected me drawing a heart between “Elvis” and “Vulva”.


“And you know what else! This guy” - and she leaned over to write “Robert Pattinson” on the board – “wouldn’t be anything if it weren’t for THIS guy!” - she drew a line connecting Elvis and RPatz.


I really couldn’t argue a whole lot on that point. It was very true that Elvis paved the way for most sex symbols in Hollywood, but I did save face by telling her that Elvis was a tool – and I drew a line from Elvis to my lame attempt at drawing a shovel which ended up looking more like Frylock from Aqua Teen Hunger Force.


“Oh!” Jodie declared in a voice that made me pretty sure I was in trouble. “So if you think Elvis is a tool – then you also are admitting that you think this douche (she dotted angrily under “Robert Pattinson”) is a tool because they are CONNECTED!”

Ouch…burn.

“He may be a tool – but he can hammer his nail in me anytime!” I yelled back.

Suddenly we felt someone wrench between us and grab a marker out of the holder on the wall.

“You two are such douchtards. THIS guy makes it all connected.” Our co-worker Katie wrote “JESUS” in heavy red marker above all of our scribbles.


We both looked at her in total silence.

“Jesus is connected to Twilight, TruBlood, Vampires, Elvis, and Robert Pattinson.” Katie said putting down the red marker with gusto.

“And Frylock shovel! Don’t forget Frylock shovel!” I pointed trying not to laugh.

“See, I know everything. I’m practically God.” Katie announced heading back to her seat, confident she has ended the Twilight/Elvis/Vulva/Frylock shovel/unsane-disane/argument with one taboo squeak of dry erase marker.

“Explain to me how EXACTLY Jesus is connected to vampires?” Jodie asked staring at the board curiously.

“I think Vampires are the ones who killed Jesus.” Katie answered with a straight face.

“Is this your own personal hypothesis? I thought the Jews killed Jesus.”

“Nope Vampires.” She answered quickly with a tone of finality.

There were a few seconds of silence and then Jodie and I looked at each other and with one swift, synchronized movement we chucked our markers at Katie.



Lesson Learned: Even if you have TwiHaters in your workplace, you can often find common ground . In our case, someone more ridiculous than either of us to play dry-erase dodge ball with.

I love you all more than moss loves the trees in Forks.
SGP