Tuesday, September 29, 2009

This Week's: You Might be a Twilight Addict if...  

I know you have all thought about it. Don't even try to tell me you haven't.
The Edward through the window fantasy is the best.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

How many Twilight Characters does it take to change a lightbulb?  

How many Twilight Characters Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Alice, already having seen the light bulb’s impending burnout will get on the internet and immediately begin perusing for the best light bulb available for overnight shipment.

Carlisle will struggle with the idea that it might be his fault that the light bulb is burning out and whether or not he should have put the light bulb there in the first place.

Emmett will wonder why the hell everyone is so worked up about a light bulb and consider smashing it just so everyone will stop talking about it.

Rosalie will comment snarkily about the current light bulbs performance and how she should be allowed to choose the new brand of light bulb based on wattage and longevity.

Edward will broodily argue that it is just a light bulb and everyone should just respect its decision to burnout and leave it at that – then he will disappear into the other room and write the light bulb a lullaby.

Bella will whine about whether or not the light bulb ever really loved her as much as she loved it.

Jasper will stare at the light bulb sending it calming emotions so that it won’t be afraid while it burns out.

Jacob will befriend the old light bulb and comfort it while it is being abandoned by its family – secretly he hopes that he will be able to take it home and use it as his own.

Esme will shake her head at all of her crazy family members and replace the light bulb with a new one she already had in the closet.

- I heart your faces!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Leave Robsten Alone!!!!  

So...you know we had to put our two or three cents in on the whole "Robsten" phenom. And to be totally honest, we are tired of all the haters. If we keep fucking with the two of them this can only end badly for us right? If they break up then all the chemistry will be null and void. So what if they are bumpin' uglies and swappin' love gravy...you would too if you were them!

So here's to all the haters.

PS. We love you bitches for watching our shit.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

I'm not an addict. Baby, that's a lie...  

Twilight addiction is a growing concern amongst teen girls and adult women today. The immediate addictive qualities attached to the Twilight Saga written by Stephenie Meyer, is effecting more and more women everyday, however not much is currently known about the disease. The following information may help you better identify yourself or a loved one as a Twilight addict.

TwiNabler makes her TwiSoupy debut...WOOT!

Warning signs
If you answer yes to any of the following questions, you could have a Twilight abuse problem and may benefit from outside help:

Do you think often about Twilight while you are doing other activities?

Have friends, family members, or your employer expressed concerns about your Twilight obsession?

Has your Twilight obsession had a negative effect on any of the following areas of your life: relationships with family members and others - your work - physical health - mental health - recreational activities - finances (from the expense of Twilight related items) - legal situation (including but not limited to charges of stalking).

Do you or others notice a significant change in your personality when you are talking about Twilight or reading Twilight? Do you become extremely sad or extremely happy, or do you not care what is happening in your life?

Does your behavior change in other ways when you are using Twilight? Do you embarrass yourself or others? Do you become aggressive or violent toward others when they do not like Twilight? Do you withdraw from non Twilight loving people? Do you misuse work internet frequently for Twilight related 'research'?

Do you seek out activities that will include Twilight?

Is it hard for you to stop thinking about/watching/reading Twilight once you start?

Do you ever have trouble remembering periods of time when you've been abusing Twilight.

The importance of getting help
Twilight abuse is a progressive disease. The long-term health consequences can be devastating. Untreated Twilight addiction can lead to conditions like insomnia, internet addiction, hallucinations, delusions and damage to the brain. Continued Twilight abuse can lead to breathing problems, heart palpitations, mental health problems, and risks of death from overdose. Continued Twilight abuse can also result in serious family conflicts, loss of friendships, the delusion that Twilight characters are real, financial problems, and problems at work.

The sooner you seek professional help, the better your chances of avoiding or limiting long-term problems.

Twilight Addict Pic of the Week!

We are at your disposal people! We are ready, willing, and able to make complete asses of ourselves! Send us your favorite "You might be a Twilight addict if..." and we will make it happen on camera. No suggestion is too outlandish - we are crazy like that.

My name is SGP - and I'm a Twilight addict.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Losing our blog virginity. . .  

Welcome fellow obsessed to TwiSoup, a place where you can get your much needed Twilight nourishment in a delightfully creative rated R format.

It should go without saying that we are pretty much unaware of any social and/or politically correct boundaries. We never seek to offend, however I’m not promising anything at this point. Keep in mind everything we say, do, photograph, film, hijack, re-write, post, link or anything else I may have missed was done solely for the purpose of first and foremost making ourselves laugh our asses off. And thankfully, since you all find the same shit we do funny. . . we shouldn’t have any problems entertaining you as well.

Just a side note we would like to pay homage to those who came before us. To all the TwiBlogs out there we salute you and in no way want to piss all over your territory (well maybe a little but we are totally kickass I swear. . .we are self proclaimed creepers so that makes our stalkerish tendencies OK). And most of all, we bow humbly before the ladies of Twitarded. You are our hero’s and our inspiration. One day we hope to hunt your asses down and treat you both to a night full of sinful Twilight indulgence.

There are so many amazing TwiBlogs out there that have been my daily bumps and gummies without which I wouldn’t have been able to keep my Twilight high to the optimal level. I want to hump all of your hampers in thanks for keeping me alive these past few months. Considering how highly I hold all of the other blogs out there, you can imagine that I (and my bloggy counterparts Nameless and TwiNabler) are a tad bit nervous that we aren’t going to be as awesome as the rest of the pack. So here we are, unsure of what this blog may become but confident that we are going to make you laugh your RPatz loving asses off.

For now we have decided to spare you the introductions and prefer to instead thrust you into the meaty center of our mind warp. Now, TwiNabler asked me today, “Should we ease them into our fucked up sense of humor?” and I replied, “Um….hells to the no.”

So without further ado we would like to introduce our first installment of Dirty Seuss – Twilight Style!

You know you love it...

I am Bella
Bella I am

That Bella-I-am
That Bella-I-am!
I do not like
that Bella-I-am

Would you like to
touch my clam?

I will not do it,
I am a lion
who can’t love a lamb.

Would you touch me
Here or there?

I cannot touch you
here or there.
I cannot touch you
I do not like
your sweet young clam.
I will not touch it,

Would you screw me in a house?
Would you like to remove my blouse?

I will not deflower you in a house.
I would not like to remove your blouse.
I do not like breasts
exposed and bare.
I do not wish to rudely stare.
I will not take your virgin clam.
I do not like it, Bella-I-am.

Would you diddle with my box?
You know you want to, I’m a fox.

I won’t diddle your box.
Although you’re a fox
Not in a house.
Not without your blouse.
I will not covet you here or there.
I will not covet you anywhere.
I will not ravage your virtuous clam.
I will not indulge you, Bella-I-am.

Would you? Could you?
in a car?
I’ll show you my boobies!
Here they are.

I would not ,
could not,
in a car

You may like them.
You will see.
I will flash you in a tree!
I would not, could not in a tree.
Not in a car! Please let me be.

I will not diddle your vestal box.
Even if you are a delicious fox.
I will not take you in the house.
I will not remove your modest blouse.
I do not like breasts exposed bare.
I refuse to rudely stand and stare
I will not spoil your precious clam.
I refuse to do it Bella-I-am.

A meadow! A meadow!
A meadow! A meadow!
Could you, would you
in a meadow?

Not in a meadow! Not in a tree!
Not in a car! Bella! Let me be!
I would not, could not, spoil your box.
I could not, would not although you’re a fox.
I will not take you in the house.
I will not remove your modest blouse.
I do not like breasts exposed and bare.
I refuse to rudely stand and stare
I will not corrupt your unspoiled clam.
I refuse to do it Bella-I-am.

In the dark?
Here in the dark!
Would you, could you, in the dark?

I would not, could not,
in the dark.

Would you, could you,
in the rain?

I would not, could not, in the rain.
Not in the dark. Not on a train,
Not in a car, Not in a tree.
I will not do it, Bella, you see.
Not in a house or without your blouse.
I will not deflower you here or there.
I will not deflower you anywhere!

You do not like
my human clam?

I do not
like it,

Could you, would you
in your big gold bed?

I would not,
could not.
before we wed!

Please pump me full of vampire lead!

I could not, would not, in my bed.
I would not, could not, before we wed.
I will not have you in the rain,
not in the dark or on a train.
I will not take you in the house.
or remove your modest blouse.
Please do no expose them bare
I refuse to rudely stand and stare
I will not have you here or there
I will not have you anywhere!

I refuse to spoil your virgin clam
I will not do it,

You will not hump me.
So you say.
Try it! Try it!
And like it you may.
Try it and you may I say!

If my bride you’ll be,
I will take you to my bed with me!

I will wed you, you will see!
Then you can have your way with me!
Now I’ve said my wedding vows.
Will you please please take me now!

I do so like your virgin clam!
I do!! I like it, Bella-I-am!
And I will take you in my bed!
And pump you full of vampire lead.
And I will hump you in the rain.
And in the dark. And on a train.
And in a car. And in a tree.
You’re right it feels so good to me!

So I will eat your tasty box.
Come over here you sexy fox.
And I will take you to our house.
to rip apart that bothersome blouse.
And I will bone you here and there.
Say! I will bone you anywhere!

I do so like
your sweet, sweet clam!
Thank you!
Thank you,