Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Oh to Forks We'll Go - Dirty Seuss  

It is official...


Yes it is true, TwiSoup will be making an appearance at the Twitarded Forks event of the century. We are bringing along some Twitardy friends and we are getting in our rental car and driving to the Pac Northwest.....ROAD TRIP STYLE!!!!!

Now, like many of you girls, I have a hubby to get through who isn't so hip on my Twilight obsession. He doesn't hate it, he just doesn't quite understand it. I knew I would have to tread lightly when broaching the subject because one wrong move on my part would ruin my chances forever. And as most of you know, this trip means more to me than anything in the world. I will just die if I can't go to FFFFFFFFFFOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRKKKKKKKSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!

And for those of you who don't know my husband he can be slightly intimidating.

Meet Mr. SGP:

He always looks angry...

I love him desperately but sometimes he can be a bit closed minded when it comes to road trips..alone with my girlfriends... across the US to visit the town where a fictional story takes place. Bottom line -He thinks it's weird.

I finally got the balls to ask him a few days ago and I was incredibly shocked to hear him say, "We will talk about it." To which I responded immediately by texting Nabs: HE SAID I COULD GO TO FORKS!!!!

So we booked a room - rented a car - and we are anxiously biding our time until we get to leave on our 36 hour road trip to Twilight Mecca.

To Honor our upcoming trip we have written a poem about it...well...we actually re-wrote a poem.

adapted from Oh the Places You'll Go - Dr. Seuss

Today is our day.
We're off to Great Places!
We're off and away!

We have Vodka in our bags.
We have Twilight on the brain.
We will steer ourselves in one direction
we have absolutely no shame.
We're on your own. No penis to say, "NO!"

WE are the bitches who’ll decide where to go.

We’ll ride into Forks,
Stoked to finally be there.
To the natives we'll warn, "You better beware!"
With our bags full of Vodka and Twilight on the brain, The town of Forks will never be the same.

And we will take the town by storm.
With squees and screams!
Like bee's we'll swarm.

At the Forks motel we will all come together.
With little jumps for joy we will laugh, cry and cuss.
You just can't stop chicks as funny and smart as us.

In Forks magic will surely happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew.

Just go right along.
You’ll start happening too.
Oh to Forks we all will Go!

From all over the country!
We will be quite a sight!
We'll join ranks in Forks where our panties will ignite!

Now start saving money, don't give up or be guarded.
Or you’ll miss a great time in Forks with Twitarded.
Some of you might fly, us poor folks will drive.
However you come is fine and alright.

Except when you don’t.
Because, then we will drunk dial your phone.

I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true..
If you miss this pilgrimage you will be sad and so blue.

We plan on some dancing.
And a shot or two or three...
We'll be hung-over together, arrested together it'll be so fun, you'll see!
We will do fun activities! Hurry up don't be slow!
I can't wait to see this herd of ho's hiking it in Hoh!

We will go to Port Angeles and shake up the city.
We'll laugh dance and play and get wasted and shitty!
Will someone get arrested? Will we all end up in jail!
Don't you worry! We've got it covered! Someone will post bail!

Some will take trains or a bus or a plane.
Some will come from Australia and Canada and Spokane.
Sure some naysayers will think we're totally insane.
But No! It's not true!
This will be our escape from all that is normal and maddeningly mundane.

We will see awesome places and become best of friends!
With lots of giggles and pissing of pants!
We'll be ready for anything! We will all have a ball!
Do you think that Forks is ready for us all?

Oh to Forks we will go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. There are games to be won.
And the magical things that can happen in Forks will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Except when you get a hangover that just sucks balls.

And when we're together there is a chance that we'll do things that go deep deep down into Twilight history. Memories we'll think of when we are old and with friends and we'll laugh and we'll smile and we'll piss our Depends.

While there's not much to do and the weather is foul.
To Forks we will go hot chicks on the prowl.
To Bella Italia we'll go and holy moley, we'll all order two cokes and a plate of mushroom ravioli. In Hoh we will hike. We will try to find the meadow and take turns acting out the scene even without a fellow.

Sure our hubbies don't get it, they can be kind of slow.
They don't feel what we feel they don't know what we know.
So be sure when you break the news to your hubby.
Step with care and great tact and remember that we will help you hide the body.
Just never forget to be strong and do a good job.
Don’t take no for an answer ask him while you slob on his knob.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)

Today is our day!
Forks is waiting.
So…get get out of our way!

We are totally going we are two proud dorks!
So…be your name STY or LatchKey Wife or JJ or VitaminR70 or the rest of you biatches we love, we will see you in Forks!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

The Greatest and Best Robert Pattinson Photo...a Tribute.  

Yes we've done it again.

We've made total asses of ourselves for the good of Fandom...

If you don't remember The Greatest and Best Charlie Swan Photo Shoot you really should go take a quick peek. Even if it is just to check out how HOT Nabs looks with a pornstache! Tres magnifique!

We had such a great time doing that photo shoot we knew we just had to do another one but honestly, we were other character has a signature look quite as easy to recognize, not to mention as downright glorious as Billy Burkes 'stache in the Twilight Saga. I mean, all things considered the 'stache could have a movie all on its own.
Billy Burke's 'Stache in: Moustache Rides
I'd go see it.

So we decided the best thing to do in this situation was to go for broke. Let's just rock out with our cock out and jam out with our clam out and shoot a tribute for the greatest and best man of them all...

Mr. Robert Pattinson...kinda.

Now this photo shoot was a just a little different than the Charlie Swan shoot. We didn't do it outside in the woods with Nabs wearing nothing but a pair of fishnets and fishing boots (although that was a shit-ton of fun and I would do it again anytime).

Nope, this time she is fully clothed...but I think you will probably recognize a few of her outfits.

We have two avenues for you to enjoy our little photo shoot.
1. We have put together a video with all of the photos backed by an amazing version of the Tenacious D hit "Tribute" sung by moi, with lyrics written especially for this set of photographs.
*The video also compares our photos with the originals.
**Video only has one 'F' bomb...pretty good considering I was the one singing.


2. I will post the photos at the end of this blog for your viewing enjoyment without the kick ass soundtrack.

Let us know your thoughts, or if you have another Twilight Character you would like to see us "Tribute" shout it out!

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Bella Swan Rap  

As with most of our posts, this video is not meant for baby ears.
So...if you can't handle the language/violence/mad dance skills - please put on your earmuffs before you click play.
(and don't forget to watch the Blooper Reel!)

So Nabs and I are HUGE fans of The Lonely Island. If you don't know what/who they are you totally need to get your head out of your Twilight book for just a second and check them out.

We totally heart their Natalie Portman Rap - which she did for an SNL digital short- and we can often be found driving around listening to it singing along trying not to pee our pants. In it, she portrays herself as a hard ass gangsta biatch with some serious anger management issues. We were blown away - busting a gut laughing at how sweet little Natalie Portman was rapping about her flagrant drug use and casual sex and telling all of us to SUCK HER DICK!

Click here for the link. You really should watch it, it's amazing!

It made us ponder. What if Bella Swan was gangsta?
I mean come on, we've all wished Bella would grow a pair and stop being so gosh darn helpless all the time right? Well, we made it happen.

Our video takes place after she has been changed into a vampire.
If you would like to read the lyrics, please watch it on You Tube and click on "More Info" and you can follow along as T-Nabs (as Bella) makes a valiant go of rapping.

Remember folks... our quality is shoddy at best, we don't really think we can rap - or dance for that matter - and our costume leaves something to be desired. We don't do this because we think we are good at it...we do this because it made us laugh our asses off and we hope it will do the same for you.


Now, something a little different this time around.
We have realized throughout this adventure that we call bit blogging - that sometimes our best material is our bloopers. So we have put together a short blooper reel for you all to get a glimpse of what the hell goes on when we try to throw our crappy little projects together.


Friday, January 8, 2010

Happy Birthday Elvis  

Today is Elvis Presley's birthday.

Wondering how in the hell I know that? Well, everyone's favorite TwiSoup blog guest Jodie The TwiHater is Elvis obsessed.

Her obsession with Elvis rivals my equally insane obsession with Twilight and if you know either of us, that is really saying something. Today she brought her Elvis comemorative LIFE magazine to work with her and set up a shrine on our surgery board instructing all of us to "write something nice" for Elvis. She also brought along a shopping bag full of Twinkies and Ding Dongs in honor of the King. While I have a healthy respect for Elvis...I have an even healthier respect for Twinkies and Ding Dongs. I mean seriously, have you all seen Zombieland? I will never look at Twinkies the same way again.

Anyway, I was enjoying a delicious Twinkie and flipping through the truly amazing collection of photos in LIFE magazine when suddenly my Twilight radar went off. I took a second glance wondering why in the hell anything I was looking at would register as Twilight in my brain. After all, these were picture of Elvis...there is nothing even remotely Twilighty about Elvis; was there?

Then I saw it.

It was the hair

As I flipped through the pages, Elvis's signature bouffant began looking entirely too familiar. In fact, if I squinted my eyes and shook my head just a little the pictures of Elvis were beginning to look like pictures of RPatz.

Sure Elvis has a bit more Dapper Dan hair grease in his sexy locks, but that long in front - messy wave - panty melting hairdo was a dead ringer for somebody else I knew...

I looked up and smiled at Jodie. "He has Robert Pattinson hair."

"NOOOOOOO!!!!" Jodie screamed mortified that I just compared her Precious to my Precious.

"You can NOT turn MY Elvis into something Twilight related!"

"I mean just look, even you have to admit that this hair is pretty RPatz-ish." I held open the magazine and pointed to one of the full page photos.

"No, Robert Pattinson ripped off Elvis's hair!" She yelled grabbing her magazine from my hands before I could taint it any more than I already had.

I thought about that for a minute. She was probably right. Elvis did come first, so in theory he would be the true pioneer of the smexy bouffant. So today I would like to properly honor Elvis Presley.

Happy Birthday Elvis!

Thank you for everything you have done for music,
movies and celebrity male sex symbols!

From the bottom of our Twilight stuffed hearts
- SGP, T-Nabs and Nameless Wonder.

Elvis may have left the building...but he has never left our hearts....: )

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Real Twilight Genius....  

As usual...we spoof for you!

I'm sure we've all heard the incredibly funny "Real Men of Genius" radio commercial series from Bud Light beer. If not here is some linkage so you can get yourselves up to speed...

Well, we couldn't help it...we needed to spoof these commercials.

So, Nabs and I spent a few hours putting together our own version of these amazing little jingles...only we do it the way we all like it: Twilight style.

So crack open a cold one...sit back and relax...and enjoy: Real Twilight Genius!!!!

*Yes, this is SGP and TNabs singing...again. I think you might be pleasantly surprised this time...*

If you dig it...let us know! We heart comments!!!

Friday, January 1, 2010

Twilight Fan Field Guide & Happy New Year Wishes!  

After spending lots and lots...and well, lots of time perusing the internet for Twilight related articles, photos, blogs, message boards etc... I have come to realize that there are many different types of Twilight fans. We are all so different in fact one could argue that each 'type' of fan is a different species. We have different habits, different tastes, different's really[ very fascinating.

Being a science based individual I like my types (be it personality or species) described, grouped and then labeled for further study. Working in veterinary medicine has me even more inclined to label these specific "species" in a Latin-based format.

So, sitting here at work with nothing better to do than whip up a quick field guide for you Twilight fans out you go.

Meyerus Puritas:
This is a Twilight fan who is 100% true to the books. They do not stray from Stephenie Meyer's written word no matter what. For them fanfiction is a dirty word as they detest anything out of character. In the most extreme cases, the Meyerus Puritas is even agaist the movie version and refuses to watch it due to deviations from the book.

Filmfanias Nonreadus:
The Filmfanias Nonreadus is a Twilight fan who has only seen the movie. They have not read the book for whatever reason and don't plan on it despite encouragment from friends and other Twilight fans. Filmfanias Nonreadus is not a reader of fanfiction and often asks really irritating questions on message boards in regards to the movie vs. book. Often times these questions that are asked could be answered if they would just read the fucking books already.

Twibailus Populas:
This is a Twilight fan who read the books when they first came out and loved them - but as soon as they became popular they immediately changed their mind and decided that it just wasn't cool to like Twilight anymore. They are commonly found lurking on Blogs and Message Boards posting things like, "I read Twilight WAY before it was popular and I just don't think it's that great anymore."

Twipopulas Avoidus:

This is someone who is avoiding becoming a Twilight fan because "everyone else is doing it." This person probably knows they will fall in love with the series but because it is already popular and not "edgy" and "origional" enough for them, they avoid all things Twilight and are often found making fun of those who do love it.

Diehardus Twifanis:

This is a Twilight fan who loves everything Twilight. They wear their Team Edward shirt everywhere, they have Twilight paraphenilia everywhere in their home, they have gone to Forks and Portland to do the Twi-tours (or are currently planning their trip), they celebrate Twilight character birthdays, they check blogs religiously every day, and they just got two new puppies and named them Edward and Bella.

Twifanis Inhideus:
The Twifanis Inhideus loves Twilight as much as the Diehardus Twifanis, but doesn't want to be quite as open about his/her obsession. They tend to hang out with one foot still in the Twilight closet, comfortable with their subdued level of PDTO (Public Display of Twilight Obsession). Alcohol tends to change the behavior of the Twifanis Inhideus to temporarily mirror that of a Diehardus Twifanis so in some situations the two can easily be misidentified.

Twifanis Denialus:
This species of Twilight fan is in complete denial in regards to their true level of obession. They have read the series and enjoyed it immensely but feel that they are either too old, too cool, or too embarassed to even admit the truth to themselves let alone the public. The Twifanis Denialus can often be found lurking on blogs and message boards. They may use the message boards to 'test the waters'. This species most often becomes a Twifanis Inhideus or Twipopulas Avoidus at some point.

Twifanis Normalus:

Rare, but they are out there. The Twifanis Normalus likes Twilight, but that is it. They are not obsessed and they don't hate it, they read it and enjoyed it and that is where it ends for them. Diehardus Twifanis will often try his/her hardest to convert Twifanis Normalus mostly because Diehardus Twifanis cannot relate. There are varying degrees of Twifanis Normalus, and some may even exhibit some Twifanis Inhideus tendancies on occasion.

TwiBlogis Writus:

This species of Twifan has taken it upon themselves to actually record their feelings on Twilight in a daily/weekly/monthly blog or webcast/podcast TwiBlogis Writus spends unprecidented hours researching online for photos and related Twilight news as well as writing articles/blogs about random Twilight topics. Many of them are also Diehardus Twifanis or at least Twifanis Inhideus. TwiBlogis Writus tends to attract and create more TwiBlogis Writis as well as help Twifanis Inhideus come out of the closet.

TwiTwius Useus:
This is a name for the Twifan who prefaces every word they can with 'Twi'. TwiTwius Useus is often a TwiBlogis Writus as well. Some Meyerus Puritas find the TwiTwius very irritating and refuse to preface anything with 'Twi' no matter how clever it may sound.

Museis Effectis:

This phenomenon is named after the popular band Muse that was frequently credited in the Twilight novels as being Stephenie Meyer's inspiration while writing. Whenever a band, clothing style, clothing line, fruit, candy, hairstyle, town, saying, etc... finds itself connected to Twilight - regardless of how loose that connection may be - it immediately becomes popular and successful because of obssessed Twilight fans who want to immerse themselves in everything and anything Twilight.

Fanficias Twiritus (Readus):

Fanficias Twiritus is a species of Twilight fan that spends hours upon hours of their personal time writing Twilight related fanfiction. There is also a sub-species of the FanFicias Twiritus called the Fanficias Readus who spends an equally extensive amount of time reading the fanfiction of Fanficia Twiritus. The two often blur lines of identification when Fanficias Readus decides to write his/her own fanfiction.

Vampirius Sparklaphillic:
Is a species that loves vampires who sparkle, namely the vampires in the Twilight saga.

Vampirius Sparklaphobic:
The Vampirius Sparklaphobic is a species of vampire fan that afraid of or hates sparkly vampires. Members of this grouping are usually found bashing the Twilight Vampires at any opportunity.

Robulus Pattzaphilliac:

The Robulus Pattzaphilliac are common amongst all Twilight fan types. They are particularly fond of the actor Robert Pattinson, and often obsess over doing dirty dirty things to him. RPatz is encouraged to use caution when approached by a Robulus Pattzphilliac.

If you guys can come up with anymore good ones comment away!
We'd lurve to hear them!!!


And just for fun I made a quick little video to express our thanks to everyone who made 2009 a very TWILIGHTY year. Life really would suck without all of our Followers and our bloggy friends and our daily Twilight enablers.

Here's to 2010 being even more amazing.