Monday, April 5, 2010

Twi Soup's Pervy Slang  

Abundance of Adult themes ahead.
Abandon ship immediately if you are easily offended by graphic sexual acts.
You have been warned. The following is pretty tasteless even for us…

Mommy G. Pumpkin, if you are reading I strongly urge you to stop right…about…NOW.

So the idea for this post reaches way back to the midnight New Moon premiere. T-Nabs and I were about half a bottle of Stoli in, and severely sleep deprived when we started talking about the ever glorious Patzy and the dirty dirty things we would like to do to him.

Let's just take a moment and enjoy the beauty that is...The Precious.

Now before I go any further, I would like ask you a question. Have you ever met a person who knows EVERY funny “nickname” for any given sexual position or act (*cough* my husband *cough*). This person often pops up after much alcohol has been consumed and tries his/her hardest to gross you out by saying things like, “I sure would like to give you two dogs in a bathtub right now…you know what that is? That’s when…” And then he/she proceeds to tell you something so disgusting you either start laughing so hard you can’t breathe or your ears start bleeding from the sheer horror of the definition. Most of these sayings are usually pretty gross and degrading, however I have to admit, I find them hilarious.

For example…Dirty Sanchez.

Perhaps you prefer a rusty trombone? Or a snow ball (reaching far into my Clerks quote bank for that one)? Or perhaps the Kangaroo Scissor Kick…yeah, I have no idea what that is either. And I don’t think I want to know.

So how does this relate to Twilight you ask? No worries folks…I have a point.

So here T-Nabs and I sit, giggling our tipsy asses off, waiting for New Moon, and discussing Edward and his hotness. When suddenly from the mouth of T-Nabs spouts brilliance that could only come from a diehard Twihard.

“I love RPatz so much I want to do the REVERSE SPIDER MONKEY WITH HIM!!!!”


I turn to look at her and immediately I laugh so hard I almost piss myself in the middle of the theater. Yes folks, she went there.

She said it.

The Reverse Spider Monkey.

Like this. Only backwards, and nekkid.

So that got me thinking. What other sexual positions/acts could be derived from our beloved Twilight?

An Alice
When a girl is giving a guy a blowie and she predicts when he is going to cum and immediately decides to leave and go shopping instead of finishing him off.

The Jasper Bat
When the guy does fancy dick twirling tricks before finally sticking it home.

Playing Doctor Cullen
When the guy (or girl) dips their hand in ice water and then puts on a latex glove and gives his/her partner an intimate “exam”.

A Twitchy Bella
Girl on top. Girl begins to spasm uncontrollably like she is having a seizure forcing the man to hang on for dear life while she stutters and moves her hips in unpredictable patterns.

An Isle Esme
When the sex is so rough that you wake up in the morning with unexplainable bruises.

Jacob’s Rabbit
When a guy does a girl doggie style and uses his index and middle finger (like rabbit ears) to diddle her skittle.

A Mike Newton
When I girl is on top she punches her partner in the stomach right before he comes so that he throws up and then has to go home.

A Hey Arizona
When a guy jerks off into his hand and then shakes it all over the girl and says, “How you likin da rain girl?”

Ok, Ok, I will stop. But you have to admit it…you laughed. If you have any of your own awesome Twilight sexy slang please feel free to have at it in the comments. I know some of you girls are FAR more creative than I, and I look forward to any additions you may have. Perhaps we will create a Kama Sutra of Twilight.

Well whether you liked that or hated it, I am willing to bet that all of you will never, EVER look at the ‘spider monkey’ scene the same way again.

My work here is done.

: )

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13 comments: to “ Twi Soup's Pervy Slang

  • Anonymous


    OMG!!!!!!!!!!!! This is brilliant!!!!!!

    I love the "Hey Arizona"...he can say "How you likin' the rain girl?"

    Here'a a new one...
    The Dream Catcher---you do a guy in the parking lot while your boyfriend watches.


    ROFL!! Reverse Spider Monkey... The Alice.... Oh my

    I have nothing to add right now but I will think about it :)


    Holy Fuckballs.
    You had me at 'WARNING'

    You bet your sweet ass I laughed. I was taking a shot (whiskey, natch) while reading, and I snorted. Now I have whiskeynose...thanks for that.

    This is non-twi, but I would add a "Strawberry Shortcake" to the list. That's when a dude comes on your face, and then PUNCHES you in the nose...

    I'll be pondering this post...

    Aaaaaaaaannnnddd now I love you harder than ever.

    Mr.Pantz got a hearty laugh too.


    Pure genius!

    OH MAH GAWD! I'm laughing so hard right now, I'm crying, I think I woke my kids up and I may have even tinkled a bit.

    The one that put me over the top was the "Hey Arizona" Holy shit that's funny!

    @Mrs.P - You're NAASTY! (*whispers* but I secretly like it!)

    @E - I had another round of guffaws at the Strawberry Shortcake. Now my stomach hurts.

    I don't know if I can be that creative. But it'll be fun seeing what everyone else chimes in with.


    HAHA! That was hilarious! The "peg leg" is one of my favorites (not to actually do)

    ummmmmm I think I've actually done the "Isle Esme" before.


    YAY!!! I'm so glad everyone got a kick out of them.

    I know I was sitting there chuckling like a moron as I came up with them. My husband was just like, "What's so funny?" And that just made me laugh harder.

    The Mike Newton...I seriously crack up everytime I read it.

    @mmmoxie is that like the pirate? Where a guy cums in a girls eye and then stomps on her foot? LMFAO.

    @Smarts...LMFAO @ Strawberry Shortcake.

    @Mrs. P...Holy crap...Dreamcatcher. That is awesome.


    @Stoney - that's exactly what it is


    The Clock Tower
    The man stands...ahem...erect...under a clock tower at 1 minute before noon. The woman has to sprint across a crowded courtyard, splash through a fountain to get really...ahem...wet, tackle her man at full speed and mount him before the clock chimes 12.


    Ok ok, I can't believe I'm getting involved in this, but..
    Buttcrack Santa: At the end of anal sex,the guy withdraws and leaves a 'present' in your crack.
    Filthy enough for you? I'm giggling, because I just realized that the 'present' came out of his 'sack'... ew.


    oh my goodness.......I can't even begin to come up with good enough words to tell you all how much I've missed you. Stoney, that was fuckin awesome! I don't have time for anything more than to say that I love you all so very much, and I'll be back soon.

    VW- oventrig- when Edward has to put his hand in an oven to warm it up before he rubs bella's trigger.


    Jeebus fucking Crispies I AM FUCKING DYING!!!

    I can't even decide which one is the best!! The Mike Newton one slayed me, the Hey Arizona made me hork my tea... priceless, ladies. Fucking priceless.


    LMAO! reverse spider monkey with Rob? Yes please, just not in a tree! These are hysterical!

    Would the twilight version of the angry dragon be like the "Upset Wolf"??


    I so have to stop reading you dirty fucking brilliant bitches at work because it's hard to explain to people while you're peeing yourself over rain in Arizona.

    And I almost died at @Stoney's "pirate" one in the comments. Then cringed a little at @TongueTwied's "Upset Wolf"...(dude, don't make the mistake of googling and watching video...I did that a few months ago...I have PTSD. True story.)

    Job well done ladies :)