New Moon Premiere:

Wednesday night I was so excited I had to take a Vicodin and about two trips to the bathroom to poop before I could even consider sleeping.

I knew that when I woke up the next morning it would finally be long awaited New Moon Day! After months of waiting, speculating and planning, November 19th was finally here and I could hardly contain my Squee’s of delight.

I woke up entirely too early and spent the better part of my morning pacing the floor from the computer to the door trying not to hyperventilate. At 10:30 I finally heard my doorbell echo through the house and like a giddy teenager I yanked the door open and stood on the threshold staring expectantly at T-Nabs.


After an extended silent stare-off, T-Nabs clenched her hands into tight fists and her face lit up in an anticipatory “squee” face I think any Twilight fan would recognize.

After getting our kiddos settled with a electric babysitter movie and munchies, we set up shop in my living room. In went the Twilight DVD, and out came the plethora of puffy paint, glitter, and other t-shirt making supplies.

We spent the next 8 hours creating our New Moon premiere ensembles and watching Twilight on loop three times (once with commentary). We took breaks only to eat, pee, and pass on the kids to their daddy’s for a night of kid free bliss. We broke open a celebratory bottle of Cherry wine and we glittered and giggled and created the day away.

Finally the golden hour arrived. Another knock at my door signaled the arrival of my amazing friend Banders. She was not feeling very well but her dedication and love for all things Twilight was not going to get her down. She was going to New Moon come hell or high water.

We all piled into the Mazda and headed off to our destiny: Towne Square Cinema – Theater #12.


When we arrived at the theater it was easy to see that we were the first ones there and the theater staff was not expecting anyone for a few more hours. T-Nabs and I were fucking starving but we didn’t want to lose our chances of being first in line so two diehard members of our posse offered to stay behind and hold our spots at the front of the line. T-Nabs, Banders and myself made a beeline to Taco Bell.

Now I suppose I should set the scene a bit here. While Banders looks pretty freakin’ normal, T-Nabs and I…well…we don’t. I’m sure you have noticed that we like to make asses of ourselves. We are not afraid to let our inner drag queen show herself no matter the occasion. Not only were we decked out in completely glittered home-made tshirts, our faces were covered in Vegas girl style glitter designs and we were wearing Team Switzerland boingy headbands. Needless to say we attracted some attention, thankfully most of it good.

After a totally awkward conversation about drug use with the girl taking our order at the Taco Bell counter (yeah, I was fucking confused too…I think she has a problem with prescription pain pills and she was not at all shy about letting us know about it) we ate, had an impromptu Eyes on Fire karaoke moment in the bathroom (the acoustics are so awesome in bathrooms) and headed back to the theater.

Before we ventured back inside T-Nabs and I pulled out our drug of choice for the evening: A big cool bottle of Stoli (in honor of RPatz of course).
We took turns taking shots (that’s right bitches…we don’t need no stinking training wheels) and we filled our flasks in preparation for a long glorious night.


New Moon was still 4 hours away.

As we sat in the holding line we made friends with some kick ass 15 year olds sitting next to us. I’m pretty sure we taught them some things we probably shouldn’t have (like how sneak candy and alcohol into a movie theater…in your bra of course! And how much Stoli should go into your cup of soda) but we all had a blast talking about New Moon and how fucking excited we all were.

We were UBER lucky and two hours before the show started the theater peeps let us into the actual auditorium so we could sit and hang out comfortably before the show started. We RAN for our choice seats and were thrilled to see our line buddies choose the seats directly in front of us. See the bonds you make through Twlight? It’s truly glorious.


T-Nabs and I of course had ants in our pants so we couldn’t stay seated for very long. We preferred to get up and wander around the theater and talk to other Twihards. We got lots of mad props for our boingy headbands and even had people ask to take our pictures…now, I do understand that they may have been taking our pictures because they thought that we were mentally unstable…but you know what? I’m totally fucking cool with that.

After Tour de TwiSoup we finally made our way through the crowd and back to our theater where we unknowingly walked smack into World War III.

We like to call it: Thursday night RAW!!! Kate Gosselin vs. Sweet Lady SMACKDOWN!!!


Ok, so it really wasn’t Kate Gossselin…but the lady had the horrific Kate Gosselin reverse mullet going on and she thought she was the fucking shit. I’m not joking people. This bitch thought she was the hottest MILF on the planet and she had 20 seats saved for her and her tribe of creepy matching stepford mommys and nine year old daughters. At this point the theater is packed and she is directing traffic like she owns the place. We are 1 hour until take off and most of her party has not yet arrived so she has about 15 empty seats which were quickly becoming a hot commodity. Apparently Sweet Lady and her daughter wandered around the theater for a bit and couldn’t find seats so they accidentally sat down in Kate Gosselin's “reserved VIP seating” area.

All hell broke fucking lose. KG flew off the handle and started screaming at this poor woman and stomping around and waving her finger like a spoiled twat face. She didn’t nicely ask this woman to move she SCREAMED at her. After a few moments of yelling and pointing she marched off to find a manager. She pulls him into the theater and starts wagging her finger in his face and pointing at the poor Sweet Lady and her daughter. Manager Man walks over to Sweet Lady and motions for them both to stand up and then asks them to move.

WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!

At this point there are NO seats left. Sweet lady and her daughter are standing there looking completely lost while KG is standing there looking all smug and satisfied with herself. You all have no idea how badly I wanted to launch myself off my seat and tackle the bitch.

Of course T-Nabs and I can’t stand for this. No little girl deserves to have to have this happen to her on her New Moon night. It was her special fucking night! Unable to let this just happen without doing something about it T-Nabs stands up and turns to face the back of the theater and says:

“Do you guys see what is going on down there?”

She gets several sympathetic nods.

“Is that seat empty? How about that one? If you guys move over and you move up one row can we get two seats together? We can? Oh my god you guys fucking ROCK!!!”

We find Sweet Lady and her daughter seats! With the team work of all the TWiHards around us…we made it happen.

T-nabs and I tear down the stairs after Sweet Lady boingy headbands bouncing wildly on our heads. As we turn the corner we almost run smack into Sweet Lady who is talking to the Manager Man.

“We found you seats!” We exclaim in stereo. “We saw what happened and everyone moved and we got you seats!”

Sweet Lady looks at both of us probably fearful for her life…and honestly I can’t blame her, we look pretty crazy. But then she smiles. “See, there are nice people in the world still.”

At this time Banders comes around the corner and looks right at Manager Man and says, “I cannot believe that happened. I am appalled that you let that woman kick these two people out of those seats.”


Manager Man smiles sympathetically. “Yeah, I know. Please feel free to throw your trash on her on your way out. I will happily clean it up.”

Yeah people. He totally said that.

We high-five each other and return to our seats feeling like we did something pretty fucking awesome in the name of Twilight.

[To those of you who were there that night and you moved seats so those two could sit together…YOU EFFING ROCK MY WORLD!!!]

As you all know the movie fucking rocked – I laughed, I cried, I was totally fucked in the head after that Alice vision frolick-in-the-daisy-field scene – and I still have blue balls from watching half naked wolves for two hours straight.

New Moon for the win! Sure it had its moments were we all went…Whaaa? But the New Moon midnight show experience is something I will remember forever. Thank you to everyone who was there that made it memorable:

T-Nabs, Stoli…you fucked me up, in a good way, Banders, Amy, LayLay & Mommy, Nameless Wonder in line three states away, Team Jacob kid…you fucking rocked my world…POSE OFF!!!, Team 15 Year olds…you girls made our night, the lady who took our picture in the bathroom…that was baller, Manager Man, Kati – the popcorn soda girl who couldn’t add, Taco Bell drug addict…you should probably get some help, Olivia Newton John Volturi girl, Team Bumpit, all the awesome people we met in the bathroom and in the hallways, my brother who kept texting me from one time zone away taunting me that he already watched the movie…you are a fucktard but I still love you…and everyone else who was there!