So yesterday we had a Twilight showdown at my work.

I work in animal medicine and the fall/winter season is typically our slow season. So what do we do to fill the super slow mo mind numbing hours? Fight about Twilight of course!

So I have been successful in converting about half of my staff into Twilight fans. None of them have developed TwiFever – as I like to call it – but they have a healthy respect for the story and they don’t run away from me screaming when I start on a rampage of Twilight proportions. Well most of them don’t anyway…I do have one nemesis…her name is Jodie.


Jodie is not a fan to say the least. In fact she is not a fan of anything vampire related. Whenever topic of conversation turns to Twilight – which it often does in my presence – she hightails it to a Twilight free area of the hospital.
Yesterday we were all standing around talking and one of my co-workers happened to mention that she just rented the first season of TruBlood.

I wasn’t even in the same room but my super vampire radar perked instantly and I shot around the corner on my wheelie doctor’s chair.

“What about TruBlood?” I ask trying to sound cool and collected. Inside I am super stoked that someone wants to talk about Twi/Blood and I wasn’t even the one to instigate the conversation.

At this point Jodie gave me the “Oh fuck, you are not seriously going to start talking about vampires are you?” look.

I just smiled at her and said, “What? At least it’s not Twilight.”

She rolled her eyes and said, “Let me just show you in a diagram how I feel about Twilight and TruBlood.” She casually walked over to our dry erase board with me wheeling hot on her heels.

She grabbed a blue marker and wrote: “Twilight TrueBlood = Vampire BS” Then circled the ‘T’ in Twilight and the ‘T’ in TruBlood and told me that this was the correlation that made the two retarded.


Unable to resist retaliation for such a burn, I hit her where it hurts…in her Elvis obsession.

You see, Jodie is a HUGE Elvis fan. By huge I mean she collects all things Elvis, she has an Elvis tattoo, she was married in the chapel at Graceland and had her reception at the Hard Rock Café on Beal Street in Memphis. She is the Elvis version of a Twitard.

I quickly grabbed my own weapon of choice – another blue marker – and wrote “Elvis = Ghey” which she promptly tried to scribble out. Her hasty move to erase my defiling of Elvis told me that she was cracking under my attack and it made me happy.


She grabbed her marker and pushed me and my wheelie chair away and circled “Twilight TruBlood = Vampire BS” and added “Insane”.

“See. These two things, make all of you whore’s INSANE!” (this declaration spawned an entire conversation of how it should actually be unsane or disane instead of insane…and made us all start laughing until we were crying accusing each other of disanity).

Then – completely unrelated to anything we were talking about she wrote “Glee = AMAZING” to which I added “I agree.” I had to agree, Glee is fucking amazing. If you peeps aren’t watching it you totally should.

Anyway…back to the board of “disanity” I couldn't help but poke her Elvis wound again (Really, it's all I've got. The girl is pregnant right now so I don't want to play too dirty) and added “Vulva” under Elvis.

“Elvis is nothing but a big sparkly vulva.”

“No, no, no... he LOVE’s vulva.” Jodie corrected me drawing a heart between “Elvis” and “Vulva”.


“And you know what else! This guy” - and she leaned over to write “Robert Pattinson” on the board – “wouldn’t be anything if it weren’t for THIS guy!” - she drew a line connecting Elvis and RPatz.


I really couldn’t argue a whole lot on that point. It was very true that Elvis paved the way for most sex symbols in Hollywood, but I did save face by telling her that Elvis was a tool – and I drew a line from Elvis to my lame attempt at drawing a shovel which ended up looking more like Frylock from Aqua Teen Hunger Force.


“Oh!” Jodie declared in a voice that made me pretty sure I was in trouble. “So if you think Elvis is a tool – then you also are admitting that you think this douche (she dotted angrily under “Robert Pattinson”) is a tool because they are CONNECTED!”

Ouch…burn.

“He may be a tool – but he can hammer his nail in me anytime!” I yelled back.

Suddenly we felt someone wrench between us and grab a marker out of the holder on the wall.

“You two are such douchtards. THIS guy makes it all connected.” Our co-worker Katie wrote “JESUS” in heavy red marker above all of our scribbles.


We both looked at her in total silence.

“Jesus is connected to Twilight, TruBlood, Vampires, Elvis, and Robert Pattinson.” Katie said putting down the red marker with gusto.

“And Frylock shovel! Don’t forget Frylock shovel!” I pointed trying not to laugh.

“See, I know everything. I’m practically God.” Katie announced heading back to her seat, confident she has ended the Twilight/Elvis/Vulva/Frylock shovel/unsane-disane/argument with one taboo squeak of dry erase marker.

“Explain to me how EXACTLY Jesus is connected to vampires?” Jodie asked staring at the board curiously.

“I think Vampires are the ones who killed Jesus.” Katie answered with a straight face.

“Is this your own personal hypothesis? I thought the Jews killed Jesus.”

“Nope Vampires.” She answered quickly with a tone of finality.

There were a few seconds of silence and then Jodie and I looked at each other and with one swift, synchronized movement we chucked our markers at Katie.



Lesson Learned: Even if you have TwiHaters in your workplace, you can often find common ground . In our case, someone more ridiculous than either of us to play dry-erase dodge ball with.

I love you all more than moss loves the trees in Forks.
SGP