Thursday, October 29, 2009

Burning Bush  

This week I had one of those moments that reminded me of how lucky I am to have you fellow Twihards in my life because the random Twilight related thought that popped into my head the other day was so odd I knew that only you ladies (and perhaps some of you gentlemen) would understand.

I'm sure all of you are like me in that you have developed the uncanny ability to relate anything and everything to Twilight regardless of the content. I like to think of it as a our own superpower...Twidey sense if you will. Anyway, I was in the shower and I was taking care of some landscaping...and I had a thought:

Is Bella a bald eagle?

The thing with Bella is that she is so admittedly low maintenance I kind of doubt that she would go the extra mile to keep it clean and smooth. I'm willing to bet she is a landing strip kinda girl. Or maybe she just keeps the grassy knoll trimmed - or maybe, just maybe she lets her muffin grow wild.

I shudder at the thought.

Then I started to wonder what Edward would prefer. He's an old fashioned kind of guy right? Does he like to keep it real? Or has he changed with the times and come to prefer his kitty clean shaven?

Then my line of thought went totally off the beaten path and I thought about how the only way Edward would know this sort of thing was if he watched porn...then I pondered for a bit if he actually watched porn....then I wondered if he masturbated....then I wondered if vampire's could masturbate....then I wondered if his vamp gravy sparkled (ultimate body glitter right...ok, you are so right, that was uncalled for)...then I managed to get back on track.

That's right...I was talking about bush.

So if Bella isn't a bald eagle, what about Alice, Rose and Esme? Now each of these ladies have a very specific problem when it comes to keeping their vaj spic and span. Once they were changed into vampires they lost the ability to change anything about their physical appearance. They can't cut the the hair on their it would be safe to assume that they are unable to cut the hair on their undercarriage.

With a gasp I realized; Alice, Rose and Esme were sporting 70's porn bush! When each of them were turned it was not in style to trim the hedges. Not to say it wasn't done at all, but most respectable ladies of their time would not have skinned the cat unless it was medically necessary...

Oh no...then there is poor poor Alice. If she was locked away in an asylum there is a damn good chance she never got to shave her pits or legs either. What a curse for a fashionista like Alice Cullen! Hairy legs, hairy pits, hairy bush...the unfairness! The tragedy! How does she manage to wear cute skirts?

Oh Alice, just not sexy...not sexy at all.

I then tried to recall a time in the books when she wore something skimpy...ahhh that's right, PROM. What did she do to hide her hairy pits? There has to be a way to remove unwanted hair - even for an indestructible vampire.

Then it came to me: FIRE

The only thing that can destroy a vampire is fire, right?

So what if they burned their unwanted hair off?

Sure it wouldn't be an exact science, and sure it might hurt a little, but I really think it could work. If bite wounds from other vampires can leave scars (if Jasper had scars then this would mean that he could be injured and his skin did not grow back or repair itself in any way), than surely removal by fire would result in a shortening of the hair without the threat of it growing back.

I'm a fucking genius!

Now someone quick tell Alice that if she has a pubic hair bonfire her troubles will be over!

That gives a whole new meaning to "It burns when I pee..." not to mention "Fire Crotch."

So I guess I found my answer. In the words of Blood Hound Gang..."We don't need no water let the mother fucker burn...burn mother fucker...burn!!!"

I love you ladies.

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10 comments: to “ Burning Bush


    I gonna say Bella doesn't take a razor to her Peekatchoo, only because as accident prone (not to mention how twitchy) she is, it could be a serious hazard.

    I bet Eddie boy likes the jungle look anyway..


    LMFAO can you imagine the headline: "17 year old Bella Swan bled out in a horrific shaving accident."

    I'm thinking he's an all natural kind of guy too.


    ROTFLMAO, great post! I think Bella is a natural girl. After all, bald eagles are an endangered species, and Bella doesn't look like the type to iron her clothes, let alone take a weed wacker to the bush. As for Edward, he's been holding out for 108 years, and he's not going to care what it looks like. He's just going to want his poonanny any way he can get it!


    Rofl, great post. I hell I never thought about Alice Esme and Rose... Poor girls, they have to live with all this hair everywhere...
    I can't believe Bella would shave her kitty, totally innocent Bella wouldn't just do it. At least she shaves her legs, but It always bordered me in BD that he was not ready for her wedding night "Ohh I could shave my legs." Uhmm hellllo? I mean she's waiting forever and then she hasn't shaved her leg? *shakes head*


    If only it was really as easy as setting your pubes on fire! Waxing can get expensive....combine that with the stranger that have to fiddle your whoohaaa and the complication of trying to schedule time away from the kiddos....I would definetly prefer to light a kitty sized bonfire within the comfort of my own home to take care of the problem. Plus you'd only have to do that once.

    I guess I am adding this to the "If only I was a vampire I could....." list!!!

    MY VW is SHEEV How ironic!!!


    @ Z...lmfao..I'm sure he would take his beaver anyway Bella wanted to serve it to him.

    @Mrs. V...Bella's twitchy naive personality either charmed me or irritated me throughout the entire saga. That whole wedding things bothered me too.

    @ T-Nabs...because I love you so much I will lite your crotch on fire if that is what you want.

    My VW is Ovene...I put my crotch in the Ovene.


    I'm thinking Bella is a natural kind of girl. And I think Edward was too prim and proper to know any better. And the fire removal of the hair...whoa. Haha. I love this post!


    Ok I am waaaay late to the party (work's been kicking my butt and I actually got together with friends who are not twihards - eek!) but I had to comment anyway - this is hysterical!!! and horrifying... 70s-era bush - {{{shudder}}}. But then edward always has 5-o'clock shadow so who knows??

    oh and i'm hoping you ladies might be able to do us a favor - check your email! : )


    Fucking dying!!! Holy fucking shit this is too hysterical. Especially about Alice!

    ML's band is here and they wanted to know what I"m cracking up about. All I could say is 'pubic hair' and they ran away.

    You are awesome to the nth degree.


    @ STY: totally checked my email. I replied : ) I think we may be of service.

    @JJ: hehe...pubes effing rock. TNabs and I had a very drinking agenda these past couple of weeks and those friends of ours who know we have a blog like to out us by saying, "They have a blog about TWILIGHT" like its a dirty word or something. I just kept shooting back. "Yeah, but I just wrote a blog about Pubes and Twilight, you figure that shit out."