Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Red Rockets and Pedophiles  

Let me tell you about what I have done this afternoon to contribute to our blog......absolutely nothing. Stoney has been sitting next to me typing, photo shopping, editing, preparing a post, and being all the hella creative twat waffle that she is while I sit here on my arse googling Twilight shit and drinking chocolate wine. Right now we're listening to Justin Timberlake “Sexy Back” and I'm completely distracted because my greatest fantasy is for Justin and Rpattz to become friends, and go out on the town dressed in their designer suits and vests. I'm having a tough time concentrating. This is just one of the many examples as to why I haven't gotten shit done all day!

Anyway...back to my point...

Wait, before I go any further I need to get something off of my chest. Since I am in a ranting mood due to the consumption of Chocolate flavored wine, I have to just comment on some recent events in the Fandom....

What the fuck are the the fucking shit stick cum bubbles at thinking? I mean really, are they planning to outlaw the entire “M” rating? I'm super close to organizing a panty-burning protest march of a million blue balled Twilight fanfic whores!


I digress...fucking wine....

So today, Stoney came over to my house to “Dock” herself at the Twilight Dork Station, we stumbled upon something hideously disturbing. I was scanning through the blog reel at one of our favoritest sights, Twitarded and I found a post titled “Exclusive First Look at The 'Jacob Black' Doll” The Twilight Blog-Everything Twilight.

Being that Stoney is Team Pedophile our interests were peaked. I proceeded to slap her on the shoulder and yelled, “Hey guess what there's a new Jacob Doll.” Innocent enough right? Yeah, that's what I thought......did I mention we've been drinking? I clicked on the sight to pull it up.

This is the conversation that followed..........................

SGP- Holy fuck, He looks like a baby!

Nabs- He is a baby you little boy fantasizerer!

SGP- No really he looks like a little kid. I mean, he always he always looks young, but that's just.....

Nabs- No Mommy please don't let those crazy women touch me like that!

SGP- Help mom.....when I was at the premiere the other night this woman grabbed my...

Nabs- Mommy she touched my naughty place.

SGP- Now Jake honey, why don't you use your doll to show me how they were touching you.

We went back and forth a bit more. There may or may not have been some crude comments about cum guzzling catholic priests and whether or not Taylor goes jogging while free-balling like Kellan. I can proudly say that we refrained from googling said image. We did prepare the mission, but were utterly unsuccessful in its execution.

Yeah I know...we totally went there...

Wow, I promise I really did have a point in all of this. Oh yeah, Taycob! I ask Stoney at least once a day how much time is left until we don't have to worry about the feds busting down her door for the extensive Taycob photo collections she hordes on her computer anymore.

I've learned today that we are actually pretty damn close to throwing Taycob his Debutante Ball. The big question on my mind though is when Taycob turns 18 are they going to come out with a werewolf inspired dildo? Would it be big and hairy or would it resemble the red tube of lipstick I've got hiding in the back pocket of my stripper suit? Your guess is a good as mine. I do, however, have a name suggestion.......The Wolf Stick!

So, here's to you Taylor Lautner. Wishing you a happy birthday from us soon-to-be non-pedophiles here at TwiSoup! Thank you for finally making that leap into manhood and rescuing us from being arrested! Let me clarify that when I say us I mean Stoney! A weight has been lifted from my shoulders. This ship just couldn't sail without her awesomesauce!

On a final fuckers at can suck my dick! Was that graphic enough for ya!?!

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