Saturday, December 26, 2009

Best X-Mas Gift EVER!!!  

As much as I sometimes try to hide my Twilight obsession from my family (really I'm just afraid they will send me away to rehab if they really knew the deep disturbing truth) - after a few beers all 'in the closet' behaviors go out the window at lightening fast speeds. So, needless to say most of my family is 110% aware of my addiction.

Last night we all sat down for a close family and friends SGP family style party in which much spirits were consumed and gifts and oddities were exchanged. My dad has a kick ass barn that he has transformed into his own personal bar and venue. The Barn is where his band "The Walt's Crawlers Band" (don't ask) holds all night jam sessions - many games of darts are won and lost - and the eclectic mix of stuff on the walls rivals any hole in the wall bar I've ever been to. I can't tell you how many times I've gotten wasted here, sung along with my dad to every Johnny Cash and Tom Petty song known to man kind - and laughed my ass off as my brother and dad play and sing the less well known Ted Nugent song "Fred Bear" (it's a Michigan thing if you are curious...check it).

Dad jammin out in "The Barn"

Anyway...this story does have a Twilight related point...

Last night in the barn - an extremely awesome family friend who shall remain unnamed because the gift he gave me was obtained through less than "honest" (pffft...whatev's it's kick ass) connections.

He handed me a gift bag at which I grimaced at because I had not purchased him a gift. He rolled his eyes and said, "Don't worry it didn't cost me anything." This made me feel just a little bit better. I opened the gift bag and started digging around and buried at the very bottom of the festive christmas colored mix of fluffy tissue paper was a small roll of what looked like film.

Since he knows I'm a photographer my first impression was that it was something to do with that. I don't handle much 35mm film anymore since I'm almost completely digital but you never know. I held it up and he started grinning like a kid in fat camp who had just found a snickers bar.

"Now you have your own piece of New Moon."

Holy fucking goat shit on a hot tar driveway. I carefully removed the tape from the tightly wound film and out spooled an entire scene clipped from a New Moon movie reel. Turns out Mystery Family Member knows someone who works at a movie theater and before they packed up the reel and sent it off to where ever it goes - he snipped out the entire Jacob transforming into a wolf scene and a few small snippets (Edward and Bella in the woods - half naked Jacob - and the New Moon title frame). I just keep thinking that that movie reel is going to end up at a $1 show somewhere and the poor saps sitting there are going to hear, "JAKE RUN!" and then there will be a disjointed skip and then you will see two wolves, Bella, and the rest of the pack. Oh well.

Does that make me a really bad person?

Sure it may be silly - but that was probably the best Christmas gift EVER.

I have no clue what I'm going to do with them, but I'm super stoked to add this new addition to my growing shrine to Twilight.

Just for fun - I leave you with some awesome pictures from last night. And FYI - I still hurt.

Proof of our family's dorkdom - you can see that we like spiked eggnog, my dad's homemade pickles, my awesome mom bought her best friend Twilight (I told her welcome to my world - here is my blog address and when you are ready for fanfiction email me), and my uncle received a kick ass storm troopers mug...oh yeah, and some Heine in honor of RPatz in there too.

Brother SGP says, "Christmas is fucking rad."

Is it piss in a jar? Is it apple juice? No, it's home made cinnamon was pretty effing good too. That xmas glass behind it was full and I drank the whole damn thing straight up.

Check it out - it's my hubby's car when it ran in Pinks All Out!!! Any of you ladies who have mechanically inclined husbands must feel my pain when I am forced to watch Pinks All Out and me, it could be worse.

Best of all, my mom got brother SGP and I a handjob for Christmas. That's right...a handjob.

Have no idea what I'm talking about or why this is effing hilarious? Check it out:

I hope everyone had a great XMas!

Mucho's love from the frozen tundra that is Michigan...(I miss St. Louis).

Friday, December 25, 2009


So today I woke up at 4AM and rolled out of bed and lugged my super duper heavy suitcase through the cold wet muddy yard (because there is a HUGE truck parked in the driveway that is taking up all non muddy walking real estate...hmpf) and was unceremoniously pelted by freezing rain and serenaded by my roosters who can't tell the fucking time (yes, real roosters).

Then I hauled my sleeping four year old out of bed, kissed DH goodbye and headed off to the great white mitten otherwise known as Michigan, to visit my family for Christmas.

Why am I leaving my husband at home alone on Christmas Day?

Ask my fucking best friend who decided to get married the DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS. Katie, if you are reading this, I love your face and would do just about anything for you but seriously...WTF? : ) I love you.

My 8 hour trip consisted of me singing along (badly as you all know) to every song on my iPod and practically wearing out my New Moon soundtrack and kicking myself over and over for forgetting that EVERY fucking fast food place is closed on Christmas Day so I had to feed myself and my munchkin gas station doughnuts and chocolate milk.

Anyway, I thought of all of you a lot during my drive and wanted to jump on and wish you all a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Thank you SO much for all the amazing comments on 12 Days - and a super big thank you to my favorite bitches at Twitarded for giving us a shout-out.

Don't worry - T-Nabs and I have muchos funny up our sleeves and plan to get back into the swing of things as soon as this family cluster fuckedness is over.



Monday, December 21, 2009

The 12 Things that Summit Did...  

The 12 Things that Summit Did that Really Pissed Us Off!!!

I think no further intro is needed right? I hope you get a kick out of it. I know we had a blast erm...recording it. Between my swine flu man-boy voice and T-Nabs' endearing tonedeafness we were quite the pair!


Proceed with caution.

Friday, December 18, 2009

How many HUMAN Twilight Characters Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?  

That might win for longest title in history...seriously.

Ok, so sorry for a lack of updates and comments from the peanut gallery (us). I totally got my ASS kicked by the Swine flu this week. Yes, down with the H1 to the N1...or "High Nigh" if you are down with the piggy sickness.

I had a fever for so long and for so many days I was pretty convinced I was going to turn into a werewolf at any given moment. I mean really I had all the symptoms:

Flushed skin and high temperature - CHECK!
Getting pissed off easily - Everytime my husband wakes me up with a stupid question like, "Where are the pull-ups?" I have to fight an urge to come at him like a spider monkey with an anger management problem, so... CHECK!

Anyway...I'm feeling better now and I'm heading over to T-Nabs' house in a few to lay down some sweet ass tracks for your later enjoyment. Until then I thought I would at least throw you guys a bone.

If you don't recall our last Twilight Lightbulb istallment...check it out here.

So here it is:

How many HUMAN Twilight Characters Does it Take To Change a Lightbulb?

Mike will insist that he changes the light bulb but only if Bella stays and watches so he can show off his manliness and prove he's the best guy for her. Eric and Angela will takes pictures of the light bulb being changed and then post it as front page news in tomorrow's school newspaper. Jessica will roam the school wearing her most seductive low-cut shirt in an attempt to persuade the entire male student body to come to her rescue. Tyler will change the light bulb because he's such a nice guy, but then he will accidentally lose his balance, and as he's falling off the latter the bulb will fly out of his hand and narrowly miss Bella's head by a mere centimeter before shattering in a million pieces. Bella will then trip over a crack in the floor and land in the shattered glass cutting her hands and knees which leads to yet another visit to the hospital. Tyler will spend the rest of his life apologizing to her. Renee will tell everyone she can't change the light bulb due to geographic difficulties and Charlie will take the light bulb in for questioning as part of an on-going investigation of a string of unexpected black-outs plaguing the town.

*Thank you Nameless Wonder for your contribution to the "Twilight Characters and Lightbulbs" Saga. I love you.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Would the real Edward Cullen Please Stand Up?  

Help..........I lost my Edward........AGAIN!!!! I...

I'm currently undergoing a major catastrophe.

I've once again lost my Edward. Yes, sadly, this has happened before. If we take a journey back a couple of months through TwiSoup time capsule and we'll find a post called: Has Anyone Seen My Edward? In that post, the catalyst of my Edward loss was the "Wonderful World of FanFiction". I had recently read my first steamy romance between Edward and Bella in the story "Wide Awake". Edward was all angsty, cursing up a storm, utterly vulgar, smoking, and horny. Really, really horny. I honestly thought it couldn't get any fucking better than that but I was quickly proven wrong. See, I had asked you, my fellow Twi-Junkies, to recommend some more juicy fics. Holy shit, the women of the Twi-fiction world are effing amazing! I have now read SO many that in order to keep my Edwards straight I have begun to compartmentalize.
Fanfiction gives titles such as Tattward, Officeward, Domward, Listward......I could go on forever with this, but I think you get the idea. I find it easier if I have categories like.....

Smoking and Cursing Edward
Teenage Angsty Edward
Tattooed Edward
Sex-god Vampire Edward
Dr. Edward Cullen
Daddy Edward........and they tell two friends.......and so on........and so on.............

Like I said, I've compartmentalized!

There is also a special category for the real Twilight Edward. You know, Mr. uber polite, gentlemanly, too caught up in his own bullshit, scared to jerk off Edward?
For him I have borrowed the incredibly clever title Sparklepus! (If you haven't read Breathe Me by afragilelittlehuman you should)!

I have accepted the fact that due to my FanFiction obsession, I have basically desensitized myself to the tinglies once produced by the real saga. I've learned to acknowledge Mr. Sparklepus for the muse that he truly is. If it weren't for him paving the way I would have never had Sexy Doctorward!

With this revelation all seemed well in my head.....crisis mass casualties........right?

WRONG AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!

Summit stole my Edward! That's right! Those corporate Hollywood bastards completely ruined Sparklepus.

Yes, I loved New Moon. Sure, some parts were better than others but that is an entire blog post that I will have to save for later. The real issue here is Edward. Could somebody please find a passage from the books that says Edward dresses like an old man and has a bite mark on his nipple? Oh you can't? It doesn't exist you say? Yeah I didn't fucking think so either!


I totally get the fact that Edward is supposed to be a 109-year-old vampire trapped in a 17-year-old's body. On top of that he was from a well-to-do family in Chicago. He wouldn't be some beefy hunk. He'd have long lean muscles if he had any to speak of at all. So why in the name of hunky leading men couldn't Stephanie Meyer have made Edward a good ol' fashioned farm boy? Seriously, have you girls seen what a lifetime of hauling hay and riding horses does to a young man.....mmmmm yummy!

"Who want's to ride bareback?"

I digress though......... If we are honest with ourselves we will see that Robert Pattinson fits his role perfectly. If Edward were to leap out of my book he would look just like my favorite picture.....

...sans the ciggy mind you.

Rpattz is beautiful. He's nearly perfect, but somehow Summit managed to desecrate that beauty!

Rpattz willingly admits to much airbrushing for the shirtless scene. He's pale, has sunken in eyes, a freaggin bite mark on his nipple, grandpa shoes, and just looks downright emaciated. They may as well of tattooed a serial number on his forearm and put a sign over the door that reads,"Thank you for visiting Auschwitz....please come again soon!" ***(Wow, no religious offenses intended.....that just slipped right out. I am going to speak for my counterparts as well as myself here and state that we in no way wish to belittle and degrade the absolute miraculous moment it would have certainly been when one such prisinor would have left one such camp alive, but with that said I am also certain that Stoney is going to come up with some fucking sweet ass graphic that makes me spew my drink from my nose. My most sincerest appologies again, but I just can't find the will to hit the backspace button right now!)

Anywhoooo...back to Edward and can we just take a moment and say something about that man's 'V'.

"I touched it!"

Oh my goodness I have never seen such a lickable perfect V. That sort of perfection, my friends, can not be faked. All I can say is, Summit what the hell were you thinking? Was Rpattz's beauty too much for you? Did you not think that little Taycob could compete against a grown man? Did you fugly him on purpose? Or, maybe you are so clueless that you had no fucking clue how off the mark you really were! (Don't worry Rpattz....I still thought you were hot, it's just that I know you can be so much hotter......OK that really doesn't make sense, but I'm sure you understand!)

[SGP Says, "My vote is still with Team JacobV...So hot!"]

Really the only thing that redeemed Edward at all in the movie was the first "strut" over to Bella in the parking lot. After that....he was gone......stolen.......hopefully not lost forever. Remember, we still have Eclipse and BD 1&2! There is still hope!

I'm going to have to agree with JJ and STY over at Twitarded......Summit really could benefit from sensible fans being on site to give them constructive feedback. I am in no way suggesting that I believe I am qualified for such an undertaking, but someone out there is.......If the director could just be like, " So what did you think of what we did there?" and the sensible fan could be like, "Well, it looked pretty good, but I'm pretty sure that in the book Bella cries, Alice wears awesome designer clothes and Jasper doesn't look like he has a fucking stray cat on atop his gorgeous head!"


OK chickadees this is where I stop myself.........I will end by saying that of three things I am certain.......One, Sparklepus is a vampire. Two, there's a part of him that yearns to look like the young hot sex on a stick piece of ass that he is. Three, I am undeniably and irrevocably in love with him!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Twilight Inspires us in the Weirdest Ways  

Do you ever have one of those moments where you come up with a fantastical wacky idea that sounds incredibly fun and exciting and you would love to be able to pull it off but you are afraid that your friends/family/coworkers might think you are a tad bit crazy and may possibly consider locking you into a 5x7 padded cell? Or maybe the idea is so fantastical you have no idea how in the hell you are going to fund such an adventure? Well, I come up with those kinds of ideas all the time and fortunately I refuse to take "no" or "HELL no" or even "how old are you?" for an answer.

Case and point #1: The Christmas Party

About three years ago I was sitting around with my recently deceased BOB (Battery Operated Boyfriend) and pondering how in the hell I was going to justify buying a new one without my husband completely flipping his lid. These things are quite an investment after all (at least they are if you go for quality) and I was pretty positive that he wasn't about to drop any of our savings into a manhood threatening vibrating piece of rubber. I knew I wasn't going to be able to survive for very long without SGP 'private time' so I knew I had to come up with something quick (hehe - I said come).

I started thinking about asking for one for Christmas since it was only a month away, but I realized quickly that opening a vibrator with the rest of the family watching or even having to explain, "What did Mr. SGP get you for Christmas?" to my grandma was not an option. I mean, wouldn't it be kick ass if EVERYONE got vibrators for Christmas?

Then the lightbulb kicked on and the glorious lights of the sex toy Gods showered their brilliance upon me.

XXX Mas Party.

My goal: To throw a XXX themed Christmas Party where every adult brings a wrapped adult toy and we play "rob your neighbor" or "white elephant" or whatever you call it in your neck of the woods.

And so the annual XXX-Mas Party was born. Sure they all laughed and thought I was joking around until they got my XRated invitation in the mail a few weeks later. Sure everyone still thought it was a joke as they filed into my house with pretty wrapped boxes and gift bags from The Hustler Boutique.

Yeah we all got a good laugh when Becky took a dildo in the face after Shannon stole it from her during the second round (those girls got intense holy shit) and then she stole it back so Shannon chucked it at her from across the room. However, when all was said and done everyone left the house asking, "We are doing this next year right?"

Yes, Banders is pleased with her present.

There is always one jokester in the crowd.

Is that your chin or are you just happy to see me?

SCORE!!! Becks takes a dildo to the face.

The Dickacorn is a mystical creature...

And so a tradition was born.

Now imagine two years later and Twilight has entered my life like a runaway Mack truck.

No I am not planning a XXX Themed Twilight Party...but good idea! Something tells me the sparkle peen would be a feature item.

This story starts much like the XXX Mas Party story - minus the broken dildo. I was in my car (where I do my best thinking - and singing) and I was flipping through my iPod trying to find a Twilight related song and it fell on Flightless Bird American Mouth. I was singing along (badly) and thinking about the Prom scene which led me to think about my own HighSchool Prom experiences. Now this may come as a shock to you all but I was a bit of an odd ball in HighSchool - well honestly Nameless Wonder and I were both odd balls in High School. We were figure skaters, we had our own small Film/Photography business, and we were attached at the hip 24/7. For our Junior Prom we were totally obsessed with Titanic so we dressed like we were from that era and for our Senior Prom we dressed like vampires. Neither Prom was a costume dance mind you...we were just cool like that. Now I had a blast at both Proms and I started to wonder why we had to stop doing kick ass stuff like that just because I was now an “adult” – whatever that means.

I thought about how fun it would be to get my hair done in a cheesy Prom updo and how badly I wanted to dance the final dance to Flightless Bird, or Let me Sign, or something Twilight related.
I wanted to dance under a collection of Christmas lights so bright they made my retinas burn.
I wanted to go prom dress shopping and have some hoodlums try to rape me in a back alley and then have Edward save me with his pussy growl and shiny Volvo...ok maybe not that last part.

Bottom line: I wanted a fucking Prom.

I tentatively started bringing this idea up to my friends - conveniently leaving out the Twilight part to everyone except for Nabs – sort of testing the waters if you will. The responses I got were 50/50. Half of them thought the idea was totally rad and half asked me if I was having a mid life crisis. I didn't care what anyone said, I was planning a Prom damn it.

The main issue I seemed to be having was funding. How in the fuck was I supposed to be able to afford up front costs for a hall, keg deposit (because my Prom would not be complete without a keg), decorations, photographer and a DJ?

And what about a Theme? I couldn’t just do Monte Carlo…that would totally give away the fact that I was trying to recreate the Twilight Prom.

Enter the glorious lights of the party gods shining down on me. What if we turned Prom into a Charity event? It was a win-win!

I contacted my favorite animal charity the Pet Peace of Mind Program to see if they would be willing to help with financing the fundraiser. Not only did they totally jump on the idea, they fronted all the much needed start up fundulation! WOOT! WOOT!

I quickly created tickets.

Pay no attention to the Twilight-esque apple on the front...

Booked a photographer that agreed to work pretty close to pro-bono.

I rented a hall at an art museum and enslaved Nabs, my brother, his girlfriend, Banders, and LayLay to help with decorations. We used the FUCK out of some Christmas lights and crepe paper and VOILA!!!! We had a Prom on our hands.

Thankfully only a few people noticed that the color theme was black and red and the tickets had a red apple on the front that was similar to the Twilight book cover. Not many people noticed when I slipped in Eyes on Fire and Let Me Sign and Tremble for My Beloved in the playlist.

I may have gotten a few complaints when the last dance was to Flightless Bird…but fuck them it was my Prom.

Thankfully I had Nabs there to dance with me and enable my Twilight Prom fantasy. She might not be RPatz but she’s probably the next best thing.

What all of our Prom guests did notice is that everyone had a blast and as they left that night almost every person came to me and said, “We are doing this next year right?”

You bet your sweet asses we are.

Here are some of my favorite pictures! And for those of you who are curious we raised about $500! We hope to double that next year. Further proof that the power of Twilight really does conquer all.

So, if you want to have a Twilight Prom, or recreate the Breaking Dawn honeymoon scene complete with pillows and furniture destruction…JUST DO IT! We only live once and we should never NOT do something because someone else thinks we are crazy. Chances are, they will thank you for having bigger balls than them.

Love you all! – SGP

Prom 2009:
All Photos by Ben Fournier

My team of enablers...

Dance biatches!!!

Brother SGP and his adorable GF

I know, I'm such a handfull.

SGP and Brother SGP big pimpin'

She's so freakin' tiny.

T Nabs with the keg stand...I BOW TO YOU!!!

Lazer gettin' some.

Now THAT is what I'm talking about!!!

Yeah that's Bander, Nabs and I...we totally did that.