Friday, December 11, 2009

Would the real Edward Cullen Please Stand Up?  

Help..........I lost my Edward........AGAIN!!!! I...

I'm currently undergoing a major catastrophe.

I've once again lost my Edward. Yes, sadly, this has happened before. If we take a journey back a couple of months through TwiSoup time capsule and we'll find a post called: Has Anyone Seen My Edward? In that post, the catalyst of my Edward loss was the "Wonderful World of FanFiction". I had recently read my first steamy romance between Edward and Bella in the story "Wide Awake". Edward was all angsty, cursing up a storm, utterly vulgar, smoking, and horny. Really, really horny. I honestly thought it couldn't get any fucking better than that but I was quickly proven wrong. See, I had asked you, my fellow Twi-Junkies, to recommend some more juicy fics. Holy shit, the women of the Twi-fiction world are effing amazing! I have now read SO many that in order to keep my Edwards straight I have begun to compartmentalize.
Fanfiction gives titles such as Tattward, Officeward, Domward, Listward......I could go on forever with this, but I think you get the idea. I find it easier if I have categories like.....

Smoking and Cursing Edward
Teenage Angsty Edward
Tattooed Edward
Sex-god Vampire Edward
Dr. Edward Cullen
Daddy Edward........and they tell two friends.......and so on........and so on.............

Like I said, I've compartmentalized!

There is also a special category for the real Twilight Edward. You know, Mr. uber polite, gentlemanly, too caught up in his own bullshit, scared to jerk off Edward?
For him I have borrowed the incredibly clever title Sparklepus! (If you haven't read Breathe Me by afragilelittlehuman you should)!

I have accepted the fact that due to my FanFiction obsession, I have basically desensitized myself to the tinglies once produced by the real saga. I've learned to acknowledge Mr. Sparklepus for the muse that he truly is. If it weren't for him paving the way I would have never had Sexy Doctorward!

With this revelation all seemed well in my head.....crisis mass casualties........right?

WRONG AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!

Summit stole my Edward! That's right! Those corporate Hollywood bastards completely ruined Sparklepus.

Yes, I loved New Moon. Sure, some parts were better than others but that is an entire blog post that I will have to save for later. The real issue here is Edward. Could somebody please find a passage from the books that says Edward dresses like an old man and has a bite mark on his nipple? Oh you can't? It doesn't exist you say? Yeah I didn't fucking think so either!


I totally get the fact that Edward is supposed to be a 109-year-old vampire trapped in a 17-year-old's body. On top of that he was from a well-to-do family in Chicago. He wouldn't be some beefy hunk. He'd have long lean muscles if he had any to speak of at all. So why in the name of hunky leading men couldn't Stephanie Meyer have made Edward a good ol' fashioned farm boy? Seriously, have you girls seen what a lifetime of hauling hay and riding horses does to a young man.....mmmmm yummy!

"Who want's to ride bareback?"

I digress though......... If we are honest with ourselves we will see that Robert Pattinson fits his role perfectly. If Edward were to leap out of my book he would look just like my favorite picture.....

...sans the ciggy mind you.

Rpattz is beautiful. He's nearly perfect, but somehow Summit managed to desecrate that beauty!

Rpattz willingly admits to much airbrushing for the shirtless scene. He's pale, has sunken in eyes, a freaggin bite mark on his nipple, grandpa shoes, and just looks downright emaciated. They may as well of tattooed a serial number on his forearm and put a sign over the door that reads,"Thank you for visiting Auschwitz....please come again soon!" ***(Wow, no religious offenses intended.....that just slipped right out. I am going to speak for my counterparts as well as myself here and state that we in no way wish to belittle and degrade the absolute miraculous moment it would have certainly been when one such prisinor would have left one such camp alive, but with that said I am also certain that Stoney is going to come up with some fucking sweet ass graphic that makes me spew my drink from my nose. My most sincerest appologies again, but I just can't find the will to hit the backspace button right now!)

Anywhoooo...back to Edward and can we just take a moment and say something about that man's 'V'.

"I touched it!"

Oh my goodness I have never seen such a lickable perfect V. That sort of perfection, my friends, can not be faked. All I can say is, Summit what the hell were you thinking? Was Rpattz's beauty too much for you? Did you not think that little Taycob could compete against a grown man? Did you fugly him on purpose? Or, maybe you are so clueless that you had no fucking clue how off the mark you really were! (Don't worry Rpattz....I still thought you were hot, it's just that I know you can be so much hotter......OK that really doesn't make sense, but I'm sure you understand!)

[SGP Says, "My vote is still with Team JacobV...So hot!"]

Really the only thing that redeemed Edward at all in the movie was the first "strut" over to Bella in the parking lot. After that....he was gone......stolen.......hopefully not lost forever. Remember, we still have Eclipse and BD 1&2! There is still hope!

I'm going to have to agree with JJ and STY over at Twitarded......Summit really could benefit from sensible fans being on site to give them constructive feedback. I am in no way suggesting that I believe I am qualified for such an undertaking, but someone out there is.......If the director could just be like, " So what did you think of what we did there?" and the sensible fan could be like, "Well, it looked pretty good, but I'm pretty sure that in the book Bella cries, Alice wears awesome designer clothes and Jasper doesn't look like he has a fucking stray cat on atop his gorgeous head!"


OK chickadees this is where I stop myself.........I will end by saying that of three things I am certain.......One, Sparklepus is a vampire. Two, there's a part of him that yearns to look like the young hot sex on a stick piece of ass that he is. Three, I am undeniably and irrevocably in love with him!

What next?

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9 comments: to “ Would the real Edward Cullen Please Stand Up?


    OMG... this was the funniest thing I've read in a long time... *snickers* sparklepus...


    @Rachael- many thanks and welcome! Really, Sparklepus has to be like the best name ever. Fragile Little Human certainly hit the nail on the head with that one!


    Holy Fucking Hell! LOL! I am at a loss for words I am laughing so hard! This is brilliant! ROFL!!!!!!


    @snarcastic M- Thank you so much! I have to admit laughing everytime I look at those pics! Stoney is a freaggin photoshop genius!!!


    ROFL! Excellent points very well made! Fab post ladies, I may have just pee'd myself a little at the old man pic! Perhaps that's what he'll be wearing in Eclipse? xx


    @Stan...I seriously hope he's not wearing that in Eclipse!


    i just started reading your blog tonight and IT. IS. AMAZING! i've already tweeted about how much i love it and told all my followers to check it out. anyway, i only just discover FF and i just (as in last week) finished Wide Awake. like you, WA broke my FF cherry and now, like you, i am also fiending over the fucked up, foul-mouthed, hot ass horny mess that Edward is in WA. So, since you seem to now be well versed my type of FF, any recommendations? i suggest a post dedicated to what you've discovered. xoxox


    @melissa- I'm gonna try to get a whole post out about this with a discussion of some of the ones I truely enjoyed.

    As for something to hold you over.....there is one called "emmancipation proclomation" by kharizzmatik. This one gives us mobward as a teenager plus Carlisle as a mob boss. Bella's character is stronger, but still fragile. Another is "The Lost Boys" by hwimsey. This one gives us Edward, Jasper and Emmett in a band with English accents. Throw in a pretty believable ghost story,some hilarious volturri brothers, and cute love stories all around (plus some hot and heavy ones) and you got yourself an awesome fanfic!

    Neither one is finished yet, and are both in the middle of a crucial part of the plot. I really don't like reccing something that will leave you hangin, but I think you'll enjoy them.

    If you are in the mood for some straight up "Twi-porn" as it is sometimes reffered as then go for "The Dominant" (EPOV) or "The Submissive" (BPOV)by Tera Sue Me same story told from two diff povs. They are pretty hard core, but there is some fluff mixed in. Plus they are both complete!

    Wow, gotta stop typing before I put a whole blog right here! Happy reading. Hopefully I get a full post up about the subject shortly!


    @TwiNabler - Thanks for the suggestions! I'm looking forward to your full post!