Help..........I lost my Edward........AGAIN!!!! I...
I'm currently undergoing a major catastrophe.
I've once again lost my Edward. Yes, sadly, this has happened before. If we take a journey back a couple of months through TwiSoup time capsule and we'll find a post called: Has Anyone Seen My Edward? In that post, the catalyst of my Edward loss was the "Wonderful World of FanFiction". I had recently read my first steamy romance between Edward and Bella in the story "Wide Awake". Edward was all angsty, cursing up a storm, utterly vulgar, smoking, and horny. Really, really horny. I honestly thought it couldn't get any fucking better than that but I was quickly proven wrong. See, I had asked you, my fellow Twi-Junkies, to recommend some more juicy fics. Holy shit, the women of the Twi-fiction world are effing amazing! I have now read SO many that in order to keep my Edwards straight I have begun to compartmentalize.
Fanfiction gives titles such as Tattward, Officeward, Domward, Listward......I could go on forever with this, but I think you get the idea. I find it easier if I have categories like.....
Smoking and Cursing Edward
Teenage Angsty Edward
Sex-god Vampire Edward
Dr. Edward Cullen
Daddy Edward........and they tell two friends.......and so on........and so on.............
Like I said, I've compartmentalized!
There is also a special category for the real Twilight Edward. You know, Mr. uber polite, gentlemanly, too caught up in his own bullshit, scared to jerk off Edward?
For him I have borrowed the incredibly clever title Sparklepus! (If you haven't read Breathe Me by afragilelittlehuman you should)!
I have accepted the fact that due to my FanFiction obsession, I have basically desensitized myself to the tinglies once produced by the real saga. I've learned to acknowledge Mr. Sparklepus for the muse that he truly is. If it weren't for him paving the way I would have never had Sexy Doctorward!
With this revelation all seemed well in my head.....crisis averted......no mass casualties........right?
Summit stole my Edward! That's right! Those corporate Hollywood bastards completely ruined Sparklepus.
Yes, I loved New Moon. Sure, some parts were better than others but that is an entire blog post that I will have to save for later. The real issue here is Edward. Could somebody please find a passage from the books that says Edward dresses like an old man and has a bite mark on his nipple? Oh you can't? It doesn't exist you say? Yeah I didn't fucking think so either!
I digress though......... If we are honest with ourselves we will see that Robert Pattinson fits his role perfectly. If Edward were to leap out of my book he would look just like my favorite picture.....
Rpattz is beautiful. He's nearly perfect, but somehow Summit managed to desecrate that beauty!
Rpattz willingly admits to much airbrushing for the shirtless scene. He's pale, has sunken in eyes, a freaggin bite mark on his nipple, grandpa shoes, and just looks downright emaciated. They may as well of tattooed a serial number on his forearm and put a sign over the door that reads,"Thank you for visiting Auschwitz....please come again soon!" ***(Wow, no religious offenses intended.....that just slipped right out. I am going to speak for my counterparts as well as myself here and state that we in no way wish to belittle and degrade the absolute miraculous moment it would have certainly been when one such prisinor would have left one such camp alive, but with that said I am also certain that Stoney is going to come up with some fucking sweet ass graphic that makes me spew my drink from my nose. My most sincerest appologies again, but I just can't find the will to hit the backspace button right now!)
Anywhoooo...back to Edward and can we just take a moment and say something about that man's 'V'.
Oh my goodness I have never seen such a lickable perfect V. That sort of perfection, my friends, can not be faked. All I can say is, Summit what the hell were you thinking? Was Rpattz's beauty too much for you? Did you not think that little Taycob could compete against a grown man? Did you fugly him on purpose? Or, maybe you are so clueless that you had no fucking clue how off the mark you really were! (Don't worry Rpattz....I still thought you were hot, it's just that I know you can be so much hotter......OK that really doesn't make sense, but I'm sure you understand!)
Really the only thing that redeemed Edward at all in the movie was the first "strut" over to Bella in the parking lot. After that....he was gone......stolen.......hopefully not lost forever. Remember, we still have Eclipse and BD 1&2! There is still hope!
I'm going to have to agree with JJ and STY over at Twitarded......Summit really could benefit from sensible fans being on site to give them constructive feedback. I am in no way suggesting that I believe I am qualified for such an undertaking, but someone out there is.......If the director could just be like, " So what did you think of what we did there?" and the sensible fan could be like, "Well, it looked pretty good, but I'm pretty sure that in the book Bella cries, Alice wears awesome designer clothes and Jasper doesn't look like he has a fucking stray cat on atop his gorgeous head!"
OK chickadees this is where I stop myself.........I will end by saying that of three things I am certain.......One, Sparklepus is a vampire. Two, there's a part of him that yearns to look like the young hot sex on a stick piece of ass that he is. Three, I am undeniably and irrevocably in love with him!