This week I had one of those moments that reminded me of how lucky I am to have you fellow Twihards in my life because the random Twilight related thought that popped into my head the other day was so odd I knew that only you ladies (and perhaps some of you gentlemen) would understand.
I'm sure all of you are like me in that you have developed the uncanny ability to relate anything and everything to Twilight regardless of the content. I like to think of it as a our own superpower...Twidey sense if you will. Anyway, I was in the shower and I was taking care of some landscaping...and I had a thought:
Is Bella a bald eagle?
The thing with Bella is that she is so admittedly low maintenance I kind of doubt that she would go the extra mile to keep it clean and smooth. I'm willing to bet she is a landing strip kinda girl. Or maybe she just keeps the grassy knoll trimmed - or maybe, just maybe she lets her muffin grow wild.
Then my line of thought went totally off the beaten path and I thought about how the only way Edward would know this sort of thing was if he watched porn...then I pondered for a bit if he actually watched porn....then I wondered if he masturbated....then I wondered if vampire's could masturbate....then I wondered if his vamp gravy sparkled (ultimate body glitter right...ok, you are so right, that was uncalled for)...then I managed to get back on track.
So if Bella isn't a bald eagle, what about Alice, Rose and Esme? Now each of these ladies have a very specific problem when it comes to keeping their vaj spic and span. Once they were changed into vampires they lost the ability to change anything about their physical appearance. They can't cut the the hair on their heads...so it would be safe to assume that they are unable to cut the hair on their undercarriage.
With a gasp I realized; Alice, Rose and Esme were sporting 70's porn bush! When each of them were turned it was not in style to trim the hedges. Not to say it wasn't done at all, but most respectable ladies of their time would not have skinned the cat unless it was medically necessary...
Oh no...then there is poor poor Alice. If she was locked away in an asylum there is a damn good chance she never got to shave her pits or legs either. What a curse for a fashionista like Alice Cullen! Hairy legs, hairy pits, hairy bush...the unfairness! The tragedy! How does she manage to wear cute skirts?
I then tried to recall a time in the books when she wore something skimpy...ahhh that's right, PROM. What did she do to hide her hairy pits? There has to be a way to remove unwanted hair - even for an indestructible vampire.
Then it came to me: FIRE
The only thing that can destroy a vampire is fire, right?
So what if they burned their unwanted hair off?
Sure it wouldn't be an exact science, and sure it might hurt a little, but I really think it could work. If bite wounds from other vampires can leave scars (if Jasper had scars then this would mean that he could be injured and his skin did not grow back or repair itself in any way), than surely removal by fire would result in a shortening of the hair without the threat of it growing back.
I'm a fucking genius!
Now someone quick tell Alice that if she has a pubic hair bonfire her troubles will be over!
That gives a whole new meaning to "It burns when I pee..." not to mention "Fire Crotch."
So I guess I found my answer. In the words of Blood Hound Gang..."We don't need no water let the mother fucker burn...burn mother fucker...burn!!!"
I love you ladies.