Twi Soup

Mythbusters Who? TwiBusters!!!

2010-05-15T11:39:00.000-07:00

Hello all of TwiTardia…long time no see!

We’ve been around, lurking in the shadows, commenting on blogs where we can. Poor T-Nabs has been without internet for well over a month. Can you imagine? In our time off one of us has moved, one of us has had a terrible time at work and home, and both of us have had an inability to create for you. Through all of our trials and tribulations the only thing keeping us moving forward is our weekly brainstorming sessions and the fact that we knew we would be back soon.

We live to create for you…making you laugh brings us joy. So watch this blooper reel and laugh you cheeky bitches. LAUGH!!!

We were hoping to have the actual episode finished and ready to post today, however children who refuse to nap, techie malfunctions, and limited time left us with no option but to give you a sneak peek of what we have coming up.

While I cannot offer you the results of our experiment until the episode is released, I can give you my original write up of the who, what, and why. Pardon me for getting all scientific on you. We took this very seriously…and T-Nabs and I are HUGE dorks. Like…mahoosive. You really have no idea.

Enjoy!

INTRODUCTION
In the young adult novel “Twilight” by Stephenie Meyer, character Jacob Black is a shapeshifter. One of the more intriguing characteristics when approaching the story from a Biological standpoint is that Jacob Black’s average temperature is 108 degrees F. In the novel, all shapeshifters are able to procreate despite the fact that sperm would not be viable at these extreme temperatures in a normal human being. This line of thought led me to wonder if this elevated body temperature would cause pain or discomfort for his mate during intercourse.
We conducted a pre-research experiment on the average temperature of the human penis flaccid as well as during an erect state and discovered that the penis is an average of 2 degrees warmer when erect. This would mean that the average temperature of Jacob Black’s erect penis is 110 degrees.

Our hypothesis is that the temperature of the shape shifters erect penis would cause pain and discomfort to the average human female during intercourse.

METHOD
Two anonymous female participants ranging in age 25 – 30 consented to test the hypothesis using pyrex heat conducting dildo’s. Dildo’s were placed into water which was boiled until reaching preferred temperature and measured by digital thermometer. Participants began with control temperature of 98 degrees and temperature was increased incrementally until reaching 110 degrees. After each test, participants were asked to complete a short survey rating discomfort levels on a scale of 1-5, 5 being intolerable pain.

Next would come the results section of this report, but you ladies will just have to wait for that! Feel free to discuss your thoughts in the comments. We would love to hear what YOU think the results are!

The video is primarily made up of Bloopers and screen tests. I hope you enjoy!

Special thanks to the trooper who lent his penis in the name of science and did the “pre-experiment, temperature control testing” for us. An even bigger thanks goes out to his wife. THAT’s fuckin’ teamwork!!! Mr. Pantz, we salute you. *dildo’s raised*
Now after you watch this video check out his damn blog. You will thank me for the rest of your life. Click HERE!!!

PS: There were no children present during the filming of these videos. All innocent eyes and ears were napping or playing outside while taping. At one point you hear the little one wake up from his nap. We may be slightly crazy, but we would never jeopardize our kiddos.

WARNING
This video may not be safe for work.
(this should probably go without saying at this point..)

TwiPop feat. Mrs. P!

2010-04-09T08:44:00.000-07:00

That's right Episode Two is up and ready for your listening pleasure!

We discuss Waxward and Bree's story as well as why Motorola should probably pick up Twilight as a possible marketing opportunity.

We also pick on Poptarrts just a bit for her amazing accent, and even get Mrs. P from Twibite all hot and bothered.

Check it out!!!

(We will have it available for downloading through iTunes soon. Hold your britches.)

Twi Soup's Pervy Slang

2010-04-05T20:51:00.000-07:00

WARNING:
Abundance of Adult themes ahead.
Abandon ship immediately if you are easily offended by graphic sexual acts.
You have been warned. The following is pretty tasteless even for us…

Mommy G. Pumpkin, if you are reading I strongly urge you to stop right…about…NOW.

So the idea for this post reaches way back to the midnight New Moon premiere. T-Nabs and I were about half a bottle of Stoli in, and severely sleep deprived when we started talking about the ever glorious Patzy and the dirty dirty things we would like to do to him.

Let's just take a moment and enjoy the beauty that is...The Precious.

Now before I go any further, I would like ask you a question. Have you ever met a person who knows EVERY funny “nickname” for any given sexual position or act (*cough* my husband *cough*). This person often pops up after much alcohol has been consumed and tries his/her hardest to gross you out by saying things like, “I sure would like to give you two dogs in a bathtub right now…you know what that is? That’s when…” And then he/she proceeds to tell you something so disgusting you either start laughing so hard you can’t breathe or your ears start bleeding from the sheer horror of the definition. Most of these sayings are usually pretty gross and degrading, however I have to admit, I find them hilarious.

For example…Dirty Sanchez.

Perhaps you prefer a rusty trombone? Or a snow ball (reaching far into my Clerks quote bank for that one)? Or perhaps the Kangaroo Scissor Kick…yeah, I have no idea what that is either. And I don’t think I want to know.

So how does this relate to Twilight you ask? No worries folks…I have a point.

So here T-Nabs and I sit, giggling our tipsy asses off, waiting for New Moon, and discussing Edward and his hotness. When suddenly from the mouth of T-Nabs spouts brilliance that could only come from a diehard Twihard.

“I love RPatz so much I want to do the REVERSE SPIDER MONKEY WITH HIM!!!!”

Um…what?

I turn to look at her and immediately I laugh so hard I almost piss myself in the middle of the theater. Yes folks, she went there.

She said it.

The Reverse Spider Monkey.

Like this. Only backwards, and nekkid.

So that got me thinking. What other sexual positions/acts could be derived from our beloved Twilight?

An Alice
When a girl is giving a guy a blowie and she predicts when he is going to cum and immediately decides to leave and go shopping instead of finishing him off.

The Jasper Bat
When the guy does fancy dick twirling tricks before finally sticking it home.

Playing Doctor Cullen
When the guy (or girl) dips their hand in ice water and then puts on a latex glove and gives his/her partner an intimate “exam”.

A Twitchy Bella
Girl on top. Girl begins to spasm uncontrollably like she is having a seizure forcing the man to hang on for dear life while she stutters and moves her hips in unpredictable patterns.

An Isle Esme
When the sex is so rough that you wake up in the morning with unexplainable bruises.

Jacob’s Rabbit
When a guy does a girl doggie style and uses his index and middle finger (like rabbit ears) to diddle her skittle.

A Mike Newton
When I girl is on top she punches her partner in the stomach right before he comes so that he throws up and then has to go home.

A Hey Arizona
When a guy jerks off into his hand and then shakes it all over the girl and says, “How you likin da rain girl?”

Ok, Ok, I will stop. But you have to admit it…you laughed. If you have any of your own awesome Twilight sexy slang please feel free to have at it in the comments. I know some of you girls are FAR more creative than I, and I look forward to any additions you may have. Perhaps we will create a Kama Sutra of Twilight.

Well whether you liked that or hated it, I am willing to bet that all of you will never, EVER look at the ‘spider monkey’ scene the same way again.

My work here is done.

: )

TwiPop Podcast

2010-03-30T14:14:00.001-07:00

Yes, we've finally done it.

We've been talking about it, dropping hints about it and even accidentally commenting on blogs under the TwiPop name when we weren't supposed to be...(my fault, I can't keep my gmail accounts straight).

For the past few weeks Poptarrts from Lick my Poptart & yours truly, Stoney G Pumpkin have been toiling away at our first attempt at a podcast, and we finally have it up and available for your listening, erm...pleasure?

Yes, it's a bit rough. We are still learning so don't judge us by our virgin voyage. Like all 'first times' it's a bit scary, kinda rocky, but SUPER exciting.

For our first episode we answer your questions about our FanFic: Call of Booty. We asked for reader questions and boy did we get them! Get deep into the world of Gameward and Nymphbella....and possibly pick up some exclusives!

Cheetos...that's all I'm sayin'.

Once again, forgive us for our learning curve and please ENJOY!

Stay tuned for our next Podcast...complete with a special guest!

And remember, we love comments. Please let us know what you think!

TwiPop Podcast

Stoney Takes On Breaking Dawn

2010-03-26T12:33:00.000-07:00

So the other day my favorite person in the world, Poptarrts from Lick My Poptart, got a wild hair up her ass and asked me to comment on Breaking Dawn for a feature on her blog.

Now she knows me well enough to be perfectly aware that Breaking Dawn and I don't necessarily get along.

In fact, this is the movie I'm looking the most forward to and not because I'm excited about seeing the story played out on the screen I'm mostly looking forward to seeing what the fuck Summit is going to do with the implied sex, and bloody impromptu c-section...imagine that shit in 3D.

Frankly unless the official Breaking Dawn poster looks like this, my hopes are not high for an Epic Win:

(This poster made by Nameless Wonder from TwiSoup.)

So without further ado...please take a moment and check out my commentary on Breaking Dawn. I promise you will enjoy it...love the book or hate it.

Illuminating Twilight, Day Four: Breaking Dawn by Stoney

Google me Twilight...

2010-03-15T09:40:00.001-07:00

Hey everyone!

Sorry we've been MIA for the past two weeks.

We had some RL bullshit to sift through but now we are back and ready to climb back onto that sparkle peen. Yes you have heard correctly, we are ready to make funnies for you!

I just want to say thank you for all of the concerned DM's and Twitter message's and emails we received from all of you. It really means a lot to us that you have got our backs no matter what. I think I speak for T-Nabs and myself when I say, "YOU BITCHES RULE!!!!" I don't even think our family was quite as supportive as all of you have been.

We have some fun stuff up our sleeves for you but today I have just a little somethin' somethin'.

So I spend a shit ton of time on my computer...or my phone...ok, let me rephrase; I spend a shit ton of time on the INTERNET.

My husband calls my phone a tumor...I am never without it. Even the other day I get a gmail Chat from Latchkey Wife that said: Are you ever NOT on ghcat? No LKW...I am ALWAYS online...ready and available for ANYTHING. I even Twitter in my sleep...ok, not really but if I could I would.

As a result of too much time spent online, I have developed a little time killing habit of google image searching completely random shit.

I just plug in the first thing that pops in my head and sift through the pictures. The results often leave me grossed out, pissed off, pissing my self laughing, or just confused. One thing I started to notice is that no matter what I was searching for...something Twilight related almost always popped up.

I started to wonder if Google was just starting to read my mind? Or maybe my search history was playing games with me. So I deleted my search history, deleted cookies and temporary Internet files and tried again.

Sure enough. Twilight.

So I thought I would play a little game. I searched for the most wacky, un-Twilight related stuff I could think of and then tell you how many pages it took me to find something Twilighty.

To keep it real, I will also include a screen shot of my discoveries.

Search Word: Ass 5-0

How many Pages in: 15

Picture of Rob and KStew at MTV Awards.

Search Word: Chapstick Condom
How many pages in: 46
Photo of woman holding apple in Twilight cover pose.

Search Word: Elvis Blubber
How many pages in: 22
Picture of a man singing to a GIANT constipated Edward head.

Search Word: Ham Spunk
How many pages in: 2...does anyone else find it funny that "ham spunk" was only 2 pages in?
A fanfiction banner.

Search Word: Fish Twat
How many pages in: 37
Robert Pattinson interview screen shot.

Search Word: Taint Wipe
How many pages in: 3
Lookie, lookie...it's those infamous Twitarded panties.

Search Word: Pig Vagina
How many pages in: 16
New Moon Jacob promo poster.

Search Word: I Farted
How many pages in: 25
Robert Pattinson on Red Carpet.

Of course, not all of my searches got results.

Here are a few of my rejects:

Dinosaur Fart
Paper Towel Slut
Gunt Sack
Arrest that Donkey
Mr. Duck Lumps
*All of which I think would make fabulous random t-shirts.

So, if you are bored and want to do some searches of your own I would LOVE to hear what you come up with. Remember to get rid of your cookies and temporary Internet files...cheating is forbidden.

I love you all!

Stay tuned for our first PODCAST!!!! OMFG!!! SQUEE!!!!

S to the GP

TwiSoup is Sad Today

2010-03-05T11:23:00.000-08:00

This will be a short post...sadly.

Due to some unforeseen events in our real life we had to put the trip to Chicago on hold. We will not be able to see JBone and 100 Monkeys and while we are super duper bummed, sometimes family has to come first.

Don't worry, we are all fine, we just need to take a moment and get our personal lives in order.

We do have some fun things on the way though, so no worries.

Dirty Seuss will be making an appearance.

We have a great video about Twilight on it's way.

There have even been rumors of a podcast...shhhh...this is super duper top secret.

So please bear with us for a few more days. We will be back and better than ever.

Muchos love!

If you aren't reading this FanFic...you better get to it. OR ELSE!

Look out Chi-Town TwiSoup in the HOUSE!

2010-02-24T16:44:00.000-08:00

Guess what?

We are going to CHI-TOWN!!!!!

Why do you ask? Have we suddenly taken an obsessive interest in Chicago style pizza? Or possibly our recent discovery of the Chicago Museum of Holography has left us unable to resist a visit? Or maybe we just really like fucking wind....

Oh yeah, just like that...give it to me wind.

Ok so none of those reaons are why we are actually going to Chicago.

We are going to see 100 Monkeys. That's right...you have heard correctly. TwiSoup will be breathing the same air as JBone. Or as T-Nabs says...we will be sharing Argon and he will be INSIDE of us. Ask her about theory when we are in Forks.

We got this hairbrained idea last week when T-Nabs and I downloaded the 100 Monkeys album 'Grapes' and took a listen. We were immediately taken with them and started researching their tour schedule to see if they were coming anywhere near St. Louis. Of course, they weren't...I swear to the music gods St. Louis is like the forgotten city. NO good bands ever come here anymore. It's pretty effing depressing actually. Anyway, lately Nabs and I have been beginning to appreciate the panty melting hottness that is JBone. I have always thought he was a smexy fool...but we discovered when you combine his amazing eyes and dimples with his smoldering voice and stoner jam band groove...you have an epic win.

*Funny story. As I'm writing this a new tour date got added on their website for St. Louis two days after we see them in Chicago. Looks like it's a whole WEEKEND of 100 Monkeys. Holy shit on a cracker batman.*

Thank goodness we live fairly close to Chicago. Sure we may have to drive five hours to get there, party, and then drive five hours back but I'm totally willing to make the sacrifice.

We will probably look a little bit like this....

Sent at 3:32PM on Tuesday
*Keep in mind when we get excited we have to shit. It's like clockwork.
TwiNabler: HOLY SHIT WE HAVE TICKETS TO 100 MONKEYS
Me: I'm so stoked.
TwiNabler: me toooooooooooooooooooooo
Me: YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!
TwiNabler: Holy shit batman we are actually doing this. I'm hyperventilating.
Twinabler: fuck fuck fuck fuck my duck duck duck duck with any luck luck luck we will meet JBone.
TwiNabler: Have I mentioned that I'm a wee bit excited? I can't type properly.
Me: OMFG I'm going to poop myself.
TwiNabler: I know I gotta poop too but I just put in a new tampon and I don't want to go poop yet.
Me: That. Was. Awesome.

So, has anyone seen them live? How was it? We will be sure to take a shit ton of pictures and don't worry, we will represent the Twitards proper. No squealy fangirl shenanigans for us. Our coolness factor wouldn't allow it. And just to make sure we will be keeping our fangirl persona's on a short leash and possibly administering some sedatives. Sounds fun right?

Got any 100 Monkeys stories? Spill 'em!!!!

PLEASE KEEP FANGIRL ON A LEASH

In other news...

The other day I received the most amazing Valentines Day card in the whole entire world.

Can I just say that through the Twilight Fandom I have met some of the most incredible people. As most of you on Twitter know (and if you are not on Twitter...WTF?) Poptarrts and I are total besties. We are co-authoring Call of Booty which I will honor with an official post pretty soon here. If you are not reading it, do it now. Trust me you need some hot Gameward in your life.

So I leave you with my little present from my amazing TwitterFanficUK Wifey Poptarrts. Me love you long time.

You know...when something tells me not to do something...I REALLY want to do it. My fingers were just twitching to BEND IT...JUST DO IT...BEND IT!!!!

Great custom cover art...totally dig it. Sights-Ma is a fun nickname she has developed for me.
You'll have to ask her about it.

It was a CARD!!! I was so stoked. I heart cards.

A LOVE poem??? I don't even get love poems from the husband!!! I'm so spoiled.

I have to say...I loved the Twitter format.

@Poptarrts...Iheartyourpuffyfacetooyouskanywhore

TO CHICAGO OR BUST MOTHERFUCKERS!!!

RARE Twilight Audio Book Audition Tape!!!

2010-02-20T08:28:00.001-08:00

Thanks to some super secret friends of ours we have uncovered a rare audio audition tape for the Twilight Audio books!

We cannot tell you our source because he/she is afraid of getting into trouble for letting this kick ass piece of Twilight history leak to the public.

I hope you take a listen! The celebrity auditioning in this clip has a very unique take on Twilight. I can't even imagine if he would have been chosen to read the audio books!

*Some foul language is used. Please beware at work or with small children.*

Love you ladies! I hope you enjoy!

Real Twilight Genius - Kellan Lutz

2010-02-17T14:56:00.000-08:00

Hey-lo there ladies!

Today we have a fun Real Twilight Genius just for you.

As with most of Fandom, we too have been drooling over the Kellan Lutz Calvin Klein photos but hadn't come up with a good way to respond to them until now.

I mean really? How do you respond to such a glorious specimen of man meat?

We picked our jaws up off the ground and wiped the drool from our chins long enough to throw this little ditty together for you....

So, enjoy ladies. I know we did.

Apples & Boobies...with a side of Forks

2010-02-12T12:00:00.000-08:00

*DISCLAIMER*

All original photography by Stoney G. Pumpkin.
Please ask permission before using any of the images in this post.
If you want to use one just email me first.
These are my babies and my heart and soul so please respect all of the artwork.

Erotica.

Art.

Twilight.

Three words that peak my interest whenever they are brought into a conversation separately. Can you imagine what would happen if all three of them came together at once?

I can…because they did.

Every year as part of the Mardi Gras festivities in St. Louis the amazing Koken Art Factory plays host to one of the most entertaining art shows of the year. Usually the weekend before Grande Parade day the enormous warehouse is filled wall to wall with often breathtaking…sometimes funny…always interesting pieces of erotic art. To compliment the art, there are live Burlesque performances by Lola Van Ella & the Bon Bons (please take a moment to check them out), live music, and three fully functional bars.

What's that Lola? You are amazing and everyone should check out your site? I think so too!
Lola VanElla

For me…it is quite possibly the closest thing to heaven on earth.

From the moment I first laid eyes on this festival of debauchery I wanted to get artwork into this show…no, I NEEDED to get artwork into this show.

Of three things I was positive. First, I wanted to do artistic nudes. Second, I wanted it to be tasteful. Third, I didn’t care how, but I was going to incorporate Twilight in the pictures come hell or high water.

My always clever muse T-Nabs had the brilliant idea of alluding to the Twilight book covers in each photo. This worked out nicely because each artist is allowed to submit four pieces of art to be considered for the show and there are four book covers. The day before the shoot I purchased a bag of apples, some red ribbon and a chess set all before I realized that finding the fucking Tulip on the cover of New Moon was going to be next to impossible in time for the art submission deadline.

Fuck you rare out of season Tulip...I hate you.

So, scratch that idea.

Having a very vague idea of what I wanted to create I hauled my camera and some props into my friend Banda’s house (it was a kid free zone) and prepared to shoot my Super Secret Nudie Friend (SSNF from this point forward) in several interesting and most likely compromising positions. With my backdrop all laid out we cranked the heat up in the house, banished Banda’s hubby to the bedroom and then stood around waiting for SSNF to get ~~drunk~~ brave enough to strip down to her birthday suit.

Go ahead and get naked...it's ok I'm a professional photographer.

Soon enough I was snapping away all of us merrily making jokes as SSNF froze to death on the floor of the living room trying to look serious and not laugh as we cracked jokes about her…well…crack.

This one was titled "For Jasper" because it is beautiful but just a little dark and twisty.

We started with our Ode To Twilight….

A crotch-apple a day keeps the yeast infections away?

Sadly we had nothing for New Moon so we moved right onto Eclipse...there was a lot of "Sorry, I'm not trying to grope you right now I just need to get this ribbon around this...yep...right there...ok..." SSNF and I got very up close and personal during this photoshoot. I think in some countries we are legally married now.

My idea for Breaking Dawn was so good in my head but it just didn't translate well into photographs. I had forgotten to take into account the fact that chess pieces would not stay put easily on the curves of a human being without some sort of adhesive...I'm not the brightest crayon in the box sometimes.

I will, however, still share the attempt.

This is when things turned a bit silly.

I asked Banders to go get me some forks. She obliged and to my complete shock dumped about forty forks onto the floor next to me. So what did we do? We started sticking them EVERYWHERE....duh.

Ode to Domward? You decide.

Have you ever had one of those moments when you were not really trying to do something cool but suddenly out of nowhere your mojo just sort of kicks in and takes over? This happened to me during the photoshoot.

I was just about to call "THAT'S A WRAP" when I got a case of the giggles. I started picking up a handful of the random forks laying all around me and jabbing them one by one into a stray apple that had rolled its way beside me on the floor.

Soon I had a sunburst of forks with a bright red apple in the middle. I looked at Banders then at SSNF and they both nodded having the same idea at the same time.

SSNF laid down on her back and I placed the apple sunburst in the only place that made sense...

This was how "Fork It" was born.

FORK IT

I submitted four pieces to the Koken Art Factory Naughti Gras judging panel and kept my fingers crossed that they would accept even ONE of my pieces. This is one of the largest shows in St. Louis and they only accept 150 pieces out of hundreds and hundreds of submissions.

On January 23rd I obsessively checked and rechecked my email waiting for my inbox to finally contain a "Yes" or "No" from the panel.

Finally, there it was...and it was a YES!!! They had accepted "Fork It" into the show!!! I called SSNF, Banders and Nabs and shared my incredible luck! But my luck didn't end there. Four days before the night of the show I got a frantic text from Banders who told me to "call her back right away, don't wait!"

SGP: Hey what's up?
B: Do you have any extra cash right now to get a frame and some matting?
SGP: Why?
B: Dad (her dad works for Koken) just called and said the Naughti Gras people want to enter in another of your pieces. This is a huge deal.
SGP: Done and done.

While the second piece was not Twilight related it's still perty. St. Louis takes Mardi Gras pretty damn seriously so I had to have a salute to Soulard and the amazing people that make it happen every year.

Port de Bras Une Masque

The show was just amazing. There were so many people that attended you could barely find standing room that didn't result in rubbing up against someone inappropriately. I was honored to be represented amongst some of the top artists in St. Louis and I was even more stoked about throwing in my own little Twilightly reference and force feeding it to the erotica loving public.

Me with my photos on display.

Check out my shirt...yeah I'm inappropriate like that.

To see photos of all of the Art please visit Koken Art Factory.

I love all of you ladies!
Special thanks to SSNF for letting me get all "gyno" on her ass
and making this ALL possible.

Red Rockets and Pedophiles

2010-02-10T16:40:00.000-08:00

Let me tell you about what I have done this afternoon to contribute to our blog......absolutely nothing. Stoney has been sitting next to me typing, photo shopping, editing, preparing a post, and being all the hella creative twat waffle that she is while I sit here on my arse googling Twilight shit and drinking chocolate wine. Right now we're listening to Justin Timberlake “Sexy Back” and I'm completely distracted because my greatest fantasy is for Justin and Rpattz to become friends, and go out on the town dressed in their designer suits and vests. I'm having a tough time concentrating. This is just one of the many examples as to why I haven't gotten shit done all day!

Anyway...back to my point...

Wait, before I go any further I need to get something off of my chest. Since I am in a ranting mood due to the consumption of Chocolate flavored wine, I have to just comment on some recent events in the Fandom....

What the fuck are the the fucking shit stick cum bubbles at Fanfic.net thinking? I mean really, are they planning to outlaw the entire “M” rating? I'm super close to organizing a panty-burning protest march of a million blue balled Twilight fanfic whores!

I WILL FUCKING JACK YOU IN YOUR DOUCHE HOLE!!!

I digress...fucking wine....

So today, Stoney came over to my house to “Dock” herself at the Twilight Dork Station, we stumbled upon something hideously disturbing. I was scanning through the blog reel at one of our favoritest sights, Twitarded and I found a post titled “Exclusive First Look at The 'Jacob Black' Doll” The Twilight Blog-Everything Twilight.

Being that Stoney is Team Pedophile our interests were peaked. I proceeded to slap her on the shoulder and yelled, “Hey guess what there's a new Jacob Doll.” Innocent enough right? Yeah, that's what I thought......did I mention we've been drinking? I clicked on the sight to pull it up.

This is the conversation that followed..........................

SGP- Holy fuck, He looks like a baby!

Nabs- He is a baby you little boy fantasizerer!

SGP- No really he looks like a little kid. I mean, he always he always looks young, but that's just.....

Nabs- No Mommy please don't let those crazy women touch me like that!

SGP- Help mom.....when I was at the premiere the other night this woman grabbed my...

Nabs- Mommy she touched my naughty place.

SGP- Now Jake honey, why don't you use your doll to show me how they were touching you.

We went back and forth a bit more. There may or may not have been some crude comments about cum guzzling catholic priests and whether or not Taylor goes jogging while free-balling like Kellan. I can proudly say that we refrained from googling said image. We did prepare the mission, but were utterly unsuccessful in its execution.

Yeah I know...we totally went there...

Wow, I promise I really did have a point in all of this. Oh yeah, Taycob! I ask Stoney at least once a day how much time is left until we don't have to worry about the feds busting down her door for the extensive Taycob photo collections she hordes on her computer anymore.

I've learned today that we are actually pretty damn close to throwing Taycob his Debutante Ball. The big question on my mind though is when Taycob turns 18 are they going to come out with a werewolf inspired dildo? Would it be big and hairy or would it resemble the red tube of lipstick I've got hiding in the back pocket of my stripper suit? Your guess is a good as mine. I do, however, have a name suggestion.......The Wolf Stick!

So, here's to you Taylor Lautner. Wishing you a happy birthday from us soon-to-be non-pedophiles here at TwiSoup! Thank you for finally making that leap into manhood and rescuing us from being arrested! Let me clarify that when I say us I mean Stoney! A weight has been lifted from my shoulders. This ship just couldn't sail without her awesomesauce!

On a final note....you fuckers at Fanfiction.net can suck my dick! Was that graphic enough for ya!?!

My Dirty Little Secret...

2010-02-03T09:36:00.000-08:00

Unknown to most...I have been hiding a fanfiction for about a year now.

GASP!!!!

Gasp...I know.

I started this little journey shortly after reading Breaking Dawn knowing that I couldn't just let the story end there. I wasn't ready for it to end. I was sitting around moping like a broken hearted teenager when I finally picked up my laptop and started jotting down a little fantasy that had been rolling around in my head for several days. This fantasy turned into a full length book in a little less than eight months which surprised the heck out of me.

If any of you have written a book or a fanfiction or even poetry you understand when I say that posting your work is like posting a piece of your soul.

When someone reads what you have written it is like you are standing around naked while everyone points at you and picks apart all of your imperfections. It is difficult to expose something so personal to the world unsure of how others will percieve it.

I was never sure that this story would see the light of day until the three people who have read it finally convinced me that if I didn't post it for the rest of fandom I was an idiot and they would scissor kick me in the head. Ninja style.

So I thought, who am I to argue with Ninjas?

They are very convincing aren't they? And so stealthy!

So here it is...the first chapter.

This story takes place after Breaking Dawn. Everything is pretty much the same except Jacob never imprinted on Nessie...I'm not a fan, sorry.

I will post on here as well as on fanfiction.net (The Ascent). I of course appreciate all comments...CC included. If you like it and want to read more let me know and I will post some more!

***FYI due to the peer pressure of a certain cattle selling princess (you know who you are) I have posted Chapters 2 & 3 on fanfiction.net.

Thank you for taking a look. It means a lot to me and to my Beta's who have been just ruthless about getting this up and running.

The Ascent

Chapter One: Charli
Home Sweet Home…

I really hated moving.

I knew how badly my dad needed this new job, but it still didn't make me any happier about packing all of my belongings in four small suitcases and driving halfway across the continental US in an old UHaul Van that smelled like moldy food and dirty feet.

It wasn't the actual act of moving that I hated. I didn't mind the packing, the boxes, the tape, the newspaper; I hated the element of the unknown. What would the new town be like? Would the kids in my new school be friendly? Would I make friends easily; or would I be destined to be an outcast for my last two years of high school?

I grimaced as I shifted in the uncomfortable seat and stretched as far as the small cab would allow.

"You ok?" my dad asked me, not taking his eyes off of the road. The sun was beginning sink behind the trees and it had started to rain. His brow was furrowed in concentration as he tried to make out the twisting, winding road through the hardly working windshield wipers.

"I'm fine." I forced a smile, hoping he wouldn't notice how strained my voice sounded. He didn't, or if he did he thankfully didn't comment.

I stared out my window through the streaks of rain. The droplets made the scene outside look like a distorted and alien sea of green and brown. I knew Washington State was known for its lush vegetation, but no picture I had seen on the internet could quite capture exactly how green everything was. It was a far cry from flat, boring Illinois where I had been living for the past 17 years with my dad.

I glanced over at my dad, my eyes studying his well lined face and salt and pepper hair. He always looked tired and there was a certain sadness to him that made him seem older than his 50 years. I knew that being a single parent to a teenage girl on top of trying to have a career was no easy feat, and it had visibly taken its toll.

When I was only five years old my mother unexpectedly passed away from a rapidly growing brain tumor. There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t miss her and wish that I could have known her. I was so young when she died that I barely remembered her and the few flickers of memories I did have made my heart ache. I found a small amount of comfort in the fact that I look very much like her and I am frequently told as much by people who were close to her.

When I was younger I used to look in the mirror try to imagine her face and her kind eyes and I would let myself believe for even just a moment that she was staring back at me.

Even now I sometimes catch my father staring at me and I can tell by the pain in his eyes that I remind him very much of her. I have her long straight black hair, golden brown skin, and almost too big caramel colored eyes. I am tall like her with square shoulders and legs that are irritatingly too long to find pants that don’t make me look like I’m waiting for a flood. Everything, down to my name, is a constant stinging reminder that I am all that is left of my mom and the love that she and my father shared.

One of my favorite memories of my mom was her passion for her Native American Culture. She was always giving storytelling seminars at local colleges and reservation cultural centers doing her part to keep the legends from long forgotten tribes alive. My father tried very hard to make sure that I understood why my mom was so passionate about our history and he would frequently sit with me and retell her favorite stories. There were so many legends that I had heard so many times that I could tell most of them by heart, but my hands down favorite was the story of how my mom came to name me Charlotte.

Her ancestors came from a small tribe in northern California called the Achomawi. The tribe had a colorful history with many legends and stories that have been passed on for many generations. My mother’s favorite legend was based on her great grandmother who was the young wife of the great Chief Oxberry, the last chief of the Achomawi tribe. Her name was Charlotte--named after the wife of one of the men her father had met when he lived and worked as a guide in a small mining town.

The Achomawi tribe avoided getting forced off their land during the Gold Rush by hiding away in a remote valley that is now known as the Fall River Valley in California. The valley was nestled between the mountains, giving the Achomawi a feeling of security and protection. They lived peacefully for many years living off the land and the rivers and never had a reason to feel unsafe until the worst winter in their history brought with it not only brutal cold and unforgiving ice storms, but also new predator.
Whenever the moon in the sky was full, a pack of enormous beasts would come down from the mountains and terrorize the peaceful Achomawi people. The legend describes them as wolf-like only much larger. They had long sharp teeth and skin and hair that seemed more like armor than fur. No arrow could pierce them, no man could destroy them.
It was the middle of winter when a snow storm unlike any had ever seen before descended upon the small tribe. Despite the fact that it was a full moon the blizzard made it impossible to see anything further than an outstretched hand. It was this night the beasts attacked the Chief himself. The women and children had all taken refuge in a cave near the bottom of the mountain. The men were huddled outside to stand guard and protect their families from the beasts that they knew were coming. They didn't have to wait long because one by one the men began disappearing into the storm. The Chief ordered three of the warriors to seal off the mouth of the cave and to protect the women and children. The warriors closed off the cave with whatever they could find and they waited in silence until day break.
When the sunlight finally filtered through their hastily built barrier they began to break it down and face what tragedy awaited them outside. All of the men were gone except one. The broken body of the Chief lay in front of the doorway to the cave. His wife Charlotte collapsed beside her husband, and from her lungs came the most heartbreaking cry of pain and loss. Her body began to tremor and her cries began to sound like those of a dying tortured animal. A flash of bright light blinded them all and the tribe watched in shock as Charlotte’s body disappeared and was replaced with a giant snowy bird that soared into the sky crying the same painful cries.
For several weeks no one reported seeing the bird, and the Chief's wife was nowhere to be found. They all believed that her sorrow had been so great that she had changed into a spirit and was gone forever. Then, days before the next full moon, the great white bird again appeared in the skies. She flew closer and closer to the earth and when she had almost touched down the Chief’s wife transformed back into her human form, stepping gracefully onto the ground. Charlotte told the warriors that she had found the nest of the beasts and she would lead them to it so they could destroy them. She explained to them that the beasts were actually men who transformed when the moon was full. She told them that she had counted five of these men and that they were most vulnerable in their human form. She again became a bird and she led the men to a cave located halfway up the nearest mountain. They had the element of surprise on their side and the wolf men were not prepared to fight. They captured all but one man who escaped into the wild of the mountains. The captured men were all burned until nothing remained but ash. The tribe was never again attacked by the wolf men, and the legend of the great snowy bird was born.

This legend was so important to my mom that she not only did her college dissertation on the story, she also swore that she would name her first born daughter Charlotte. If my dad had another name picked out, he'd never had a chance. My mother was determined. Another trait I had picked up from her. Dad usually referred to it as stubborn but I personally preferred determined; it sounded like less of a flaw.

Dad was born on the Quileute reservation in Northern Washington State. He met my mom when she was visiting friends when they were both 17. My dad had told me that my mother was the most beautiful girl he had ever laid eyes on and he knew they would be together forever even before they had been formerly introduced. They ended up going to college together, getting married, and settling in small town America with dreams of living a long happy life together. After she passed away, he immediately moved us to another town and dealt with his grief by submerging himself in his work.

As a high school history teacher since college graduation, he had never been interested in doing anything else until after my mom died. After her death he committed himself to his job and managed to go from teacher to principal in a matter of 3 years. He really loved his job, and the last thing he wanted to do was disappoint the kids in his school, but he became very discouraged when recent budget cuts and the shady school board politics in Illinois started making his job almost impossible. He couldn't handle seeing kids drop out and education programs fall by the wayside; it went against everything he believed in and worked for. After a long and difficult school year last year, he had finally made the decision to put in his resignation at the beginning of summer break and had been having a hard time finding something new. It was a stroke of luck that the Quileute Reservation High School was looking for a new principal.

I sat up when I felt the UHaul begin to slow, we were nearing an exit.

"Are we there?" I asked my dad while I leaned forward and squinted through the windshield searching for signs of civilization.

"Almost. We are about to drive through the town of Forks. It is the closest town to the reservation." My dad said turning the van onto a smaller two lane road.

The city of Forks flashed by in mere minutes. It was too small for much more than a general store, gas station, post office, police station, and camping store. As we continued to drive past the center of town the houses became spaced further and further apart until I was again staring at the flashing green and brown of thick forest. Suddenly something caught my eye, a quick flash of reddish brown fur between the trees. It was gone before I could figure out exactly what it was I had seen. It was too big to have been a dog, and the hair was too long for a deer. My pulse quickened.

"Are there bears in the woods here?" I asked my dad, my eyes frantically scanning the tree line as we drove past.

"Sure. But they usually don't get close to town. You shouldn't have to worry about them at all.” His expression was puzzled as he glanced over at me, “Why do you ask?"

"I thought..." I started, and then shook my head, "No, never mind I think I'm just really tired. This has been a long trip." He nodded in agreement and turned back to the road his expression hard for me to read. I stared intently out the window hoping to catch another glimpse of the large animal I had seen running in the forest. No matter how hard I concentrated on the blur of green flying past the windows I didn’t see the animal again. I leaned my forehead against the cool glass and closed my eyes wishing the ride was finally over and wondering if the long drive really was causing me to see things that weren’t there. I felt a surge of anxiety when I heard the tick, tick, tick of the van's turn signal and sat up .

"Home sweet home." My dad smiled at me.

He pulled into a small dirt driveway and put the van into park. I opened the door and stepped out, my legs protesting after being folded into the tiny cab for such a long time. I stretched and breathed deeply. The smell of wet dirt and decomposing vegetation assaulted my nostrils. It was not unpleasant, just unfamiliar. I stepped away from the van and took a look around.

I had visited reservations before. Being Native American you see your fair share, but I had never actually lived on one. It seemed small, but somehow welcoming. There were several simple square houses scattered along the narrow winding street and in the dusk I could see warm lights illuminating the windows. The bluish flicker of television sets and the occasional sounds of disembodied laughter floating through the air was peaceful and familiar. After a moment I made my way to the back of the U-Haul to check on my very favorite possession.
The 69 Chevelle was strapped to a car trailer behind the decrepit U-Haul. Rain drops glittered against its black glossy paint and the chrome accents reflected the lights from neighboring houses. I gently patted the front fender.

"Sorry for the long haul, I’ll be getting you down pretty soon here.” I muttered to the car smiling to myself.

"Sometimes I think you love that car more than your old man." my dad joked as he walked towards me and put his arm around my shoulders.

"Oh, you know that's not true dad. I love you both equally." I playfully punched his side and we both laughed as I pulled myself up on the trailer and started loosening the tow straps. The Chevelle was a gift from my dad when I was 16. We didn't really have a lot in common, but we did both have a healthy respect for classic cars. Sometimes I think he bought the car because he felt guilty for not spending much time with me when I was younger. I wasn't going to complain. The car was a masterpiece.

"So, you aren't making me drive you to school Monday are you?” I asked as he lowered the ramps on the trailer. I couldn't think of anything more embarrassing on my first day in a new school. It was bad enough that I was the daughter of the new principal. Thankfully he understood.

"No, I wouldn't subject you to such cruel and unusual punishment. I’m hitching a ride with one of the teachers and I figure I'll put the word out that I'm looking to buy a used car. Something should turn up soon." He pointed at the car and then at the ramps, "Ready?" he asked.

I nodded and climbed into the driver’s seat. The familiar smell of the cool leather was relaxing and I paused for a moment to enjoy the still silence. “Well, here goes nothing.” I mumbled knowing I was referring to much more than just the task of unloading my car from the tow trailer. With a sigh, I wrapped my fingers around the gear shift and slid it into neutral and slowly eased off the brake. Slowly and gracefully the heavy car rolled off of the trailer. I kept a close eye on my dad in the side mirror as he directed me down the ramps inching the wheel to the left or right depending on his hand signals. My eyes flicked from the rear view to the side view and during that transition was when I caught glimpse of large animal eyes reflecting in the darkness just past the tree line behind my dad. I could see the animal's shape outlined faintly in a dark purplish blue color. I was so surprised I couldn’t breathe, and as I panicked my foot slipped off the brake and the car hurtled backwards down the narrow ramps. The car slid off the ramps sideways and hit the ground hard. I felt my muscles tense as my body flew forward, my head slamming into the steering wheel. I found the brakes with my foot and pushed them to the ground. The car came to an unceremonious stop a few feet from the trailer. My heart was beating fast and the blood was pounding in my ears. I frantically scanned the forest trying to catch a glimpse of the animal I had seen.

"Charli! Charli! Are you ok?" My dad's voice sounded panicked he rushed to the driver’s side window. "What happened?"

"I saw something behind you in the mirror. An animal. It was really big Dad. Taller than you - are you sure about the whole bear thing?" I knew I sounded crazy. But I didn't care. He quickly scanned the edge of the forest and turned back to me leaning into the open window.

"There's nothing there Charlotte.” He said slowly and then gave me "the look". I grimaced. He knew I really hated that look. I had been getting it from adults for as long as I could remember and it had always bothered me most seeing it on his face.

I first got ‘the look’ when I was about ten years old and my dad and I were flipping through old pictures of my mother. I was curled up on his lap and he had paused on a page that had several older pictures of my mom when she was in college. She was young and beautiful and full of broad smiles for the camera. He had absently reached out to touch one of the fading black and white photos gently with his fingertips.

Smiling a toothless grin at him I said sweetly, “Daddy. I like your color best when you are thinking about mommy.”

He stared at me for what had seemed like an eternity, an amused expression on his face. “My color?” He teased with a smile.

“Yeah! What color am I when I look at mommy?” I sat straight as a rod and lifted my chin trying to give him a good view so he would be sure to see my color. He had stared at me curiously for moment.

“You are a silly girl. I don’t see any colors, just you.” With this he gave my nose a playful tweak. I huffed with disappointment.

“But daddy, when we look at mommy you are yellow and you feel so happy!” I explained to him. Of course he had no idea what I was talking about and simply laughed the conversation off without another word.

When my obsession with colors didn’t fade with age, and I developed an annoyingly uncanny ability to know what my father was thinking all based around what ‘color’ I said he was at any given point in time. He finally dragged me –against my will - to numerous visits with eye doctors, psychologists and neurologists. I endured hundreds of tests, and answered hundreds of questions and saw so many doctors I didn’t even try to remember their names or specialties after a while. When all was said and done they all came up with the same diagnosis; normal child with an overactive imagination.

As I got older, and I didn't grow out of my "imagination", I started doing research on my own. I learned that my ability to know things and the colors I could see were not my imagination. I learned that Parapsychologists called people like me Empaths and the colors I could see auras. They were explained as waves of energy emitted by emotions. In other words, when someone was experiencing a certain emotion, they would radiate waves of color. I was probably most excited to learn that there were others out there who could see them too. Unfortunately this knowledge didn't make life any easier for me. Even though I never told anyone about my gift, kids my own age always seemed to sense something about me was different. It was very hard for me to make and keep friends. That is why for most of my life I've tried my best to ignore the colors and the sometimes palpable emotions. But, even I have to admit that sometimes they come in handy.

"It's ok dad. I'm ok. I'm just so tired I think my eyes are playing tricks on me." I tried to sound reassuring.

"Is your head ok?" he asked leaning in to get a better look at me.

Oh crap. I realized I was absently massaging my forehead where it had just ungracefully slammed into the steering wheel. I could feel a bruise already forming. Great! Just what I needed on my first day of school. I grimaced, but not because of the pain.

"Yeah, I'm fine it's just a bruise. Don't worry; I have a thick head." I smiled at him.
He shook his head and chuckled softly. “We could always take a quick drive down to the hospital in Forks and get you checked out.”

I looked at him not even attempting to hide my mortification.

“Absolutely not.” I said staring wide eyed.

“You’re the boss.” He laughed tapping the roof of the car with his fist and turning to walk away towards the house. "Why don’t you get your baby here parked under the car port and come take a peek inside the house."

I had to admit I was eager to get inside and see what the new house looked like. Judging from the exterior I was expecting it to be a little bit worn in, but in a charming kind of way. I parked the car in the carport and locked the doors, quickly inspecting the rear bumper to make sure I hadn’t done any damage during the unloading incident. Satisfied that the Chevelle was exactly as it should be, I raked my hair out of my face and stepped up to the back door. I wrapped my fingers around the old brass doorknob and turned it, pushing on the heavy wood with my shoulder. The door didn’t budge. With a frustrated breath I stepped back and then shoved harder surprised at how stuck the door was to the frame.

I was about to slam my whole body into the unforgiving barrier when I heard a knock on the small glass window.

I looked up and saw my dad peering out at me with a grin plastered across his face. I shot him an irritated glare and mouthed, “It won’t open!”

He shook his head still grinning like an idiot. “Try pulling, genius!” He yelled loudly. I felt my face flush hotly and I rolled my eyes humiliated by my own idiocy. I grabbed the knob and yanked huffing as the door swung open easily. As I crossed the threshold I found myself standing in a small but quaint kitchen. I turned around slowly, savoring every detail.

The counters were well worn and chipped, and a small battered wooden table sat squeezed into the corner surrounded by mismatched barstools and high backed chairs. The room was very tiny and cramped but it had so much character there was no way I couldn’t fall in love with it.
"Well kiddo, what do you think?" my dad asked cautiously.

"I love it!" I threw my arms around him. He returned my hug, squeezing me tightly.

"You have no idea how relieved I am to hear that. I am going to get our suitcases from the van. We'll unpack the rest tomorrow because I don’t know about you, but I need some sleep.” I nodded my head against his chest wordlessly agreeing to sleeping instead of unpacking. He unwound his arms from around me and started towards the door. Before he stepped outside he turned back to me. “Oh yeah, my cousin Sue Clearwater was here yesterday and made up the beds for us and put a casserole in the fridge. She left a note on the counter for you. It has your school schedule clipped to it." He quickly ducked out the door and judging by his heavy footsteps and drooping shoulders he was even more exhausted than I was. I picked up the note.
Welcome home David and Charli!

I figured you two would be beat after your drive so I put some clean sheets and blankets on your beds and some dinner in the fridge. Just pop it in the oven at 375 for a half hour and you should be set! Charli, I had my son pick up your class schedule and a map of the highschool for you. Please call if you need anything!

- Sue Clearwater

I slid the paper clip off of the papers and pulled out the folded schedule and map. I quickly scanned the list of classes before tucking the schedule into my back pocket hoping to not have to look at it again until Monday.

Dad and I ate our dinner in tired silence on paper plates in an empty house. I covered the casserole with plastic wrap and threw our dirty plates and plastic forks in a plastic grocery bag I found in an empty closet. I sighed as I hugged Dad goodnight and drug myself to bed struggling to stay awake long enough to get undressed and slip under the covers. As I pulled the sheets up to my chin and pressed my cheek into the pillow, my eyes fluttered closed and I fell into a very deep and dreamless sleep.

Oh to Forks We'll Go - Dirty Seuss

2010-01-27T14:28:00.000-08:00

It is official...

WE ARE GOING TO FFFFFOOOORRRKKKSSSS!!!!

Yes it is true, TwiSoup will be making an appearance at the Twitarded Forks event of the century. We are bringing along some Twitardy friends and we are getting in our rental car and driving to the Pac Northwest.....ROAD TRIP STYLE!!!!!

Now, like many of you girls, I have a hubby to get through who isn't so hip on my Twilight obsession. He doesn't hate it, he just doesn't quite understand it. I knew I would have to tread lightly when broaching the subject because one wrong move on my part would ruin my chances forever. And as most of you know, this trip means more to me than anything in the world. I will just die if I can't go to FFFFFFFFFFOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRKKKKKKKSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!

And for those of you who don't know my husband he can be slightly intimidating.

Meet Mr. SGP:

He always looks angry...

I love him desperately but sometimes he can be a bit closed minded when it comes to road trips..alone with my girlfriends... across the US to visit the town where a fictional story takes place. Seriously...wtf? Bottom line -He thinks it's weird.

I finally got the balls to ask him a few days ago and I was incredibly shocked to hear him say, "We will talk about it." To which I responded immediately by texting Nabs: HE SAID I COULD GO TO FORKS!!!!

So we booked a room - rented a car - and we are anxiously biding our time until we get to leave on our 36 hour road trip to Twilight Mecca.

To Honor our upcoming trip we have written a poem about it...well...we actually re-wrote a poem.

OH TO FORKS WE'LL GO
adapted from Oh the Places You'll Go - Dr. Seuss

FFFFFFFFFFFFFOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRKKKKKKKKKKKKSSSSSSSSS!!!!!

Today is our day.
We're off to Great Places!
We're off and away!

We have Vodka in our bags.
We have Twilight on the brain.
We will steer ourselves in one direction
we have absolutely no shame.
We're on your own. No penis to say, "NO!"

WE are the bitches who’ll decide where to go.

We’ll ride into Forks,
Stoked to finally be there.
To the natives we'll warn, "You better beware!"
With our bags full of Vodka and Twilight on the brain, The town of Forks will never be the same.

And we will take the town by storm.
With squees and screams!
Like bee's we'll swarm.

At the Forks motel we will all come together.
With little jumps for joy we will laugh, cry and cuss.
You just can't stop chicks as funny and smart as us.

In Forks magic will surely happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew.

Just go right along.
You’ll start happening too.
Oh to Forks we all will Go!

From all over the country!
We will be quite a sight!
We'll join ranks in Forks where our panties will ignite!

Now start saving money, don't give up or be guarded.
Or you’ll miss a great time in Forks with Twitarded.
Some of you might fly, us poor folks will drive.
However you come is fine and alright.

Except when you don’t.
Because, then we will drunk dial your phone.

I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true..
If you miss this pilgrimage you will be sad and so blue.

We plan on some dancing.
And a shot or two or three...
We'll be hung-over together, arrested together it'll be so fun, you'll see!
We will do fun activities! Hurry up don't be slow!
I can't wait to see this herd of ho's hiking it in Hoh!

We will go to Port Angeles and shake up the city.
We'll laugh dance and play and get wasted and shitty!
Will someone get arrested? Will we all end up in jail!
Don't you worry! We've got it covered! Someone will post bail!

Some will take trains or a bus or a plane.
Some will come from Australia and Canada and Spokane.
Sure some naysayers will think we're totally insane.
But No! It's not true!
This will be our escape from all that is normal and maddeningly mundane.

We will see awesome places and become best of friends!
With lots of giggles and pissing of pants!
We'll be ready for anything! We will all have a ball!
Do you think that Forks is ready for us all?

Oh to Forks we will go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. There are games to be won.
And the magical things that can happen in Forks will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Except when you get a hangover that just sucks balls.

And when we're together there is a chance that we'll do things that go deep deep down into Twilight history. Memories we'll think of when we are old and with friends and we'll laugh and we'll smile and we'll piss our Depends.

While there's not much to do and the weather is foul.
To Forks we will go hot chicks on the prowl.
To Bella Italia we'll go and holy moley, we'll all order two cokes and a plate of mushroom ravioli. In Hoh we will hike. We will try to find the meadow and take turns acting out the scene even without a fellow.

Sure our hubbies don't get it, they can be kind of slow.
They don't feel what we feel they don't know what we know.
So be sure when you break the news to your hubby.
Step with care and great tact and remember that we will help you hide the body.
Just never forget to be strong and do a good job.
Don’t take no for an answer ask him while you slob on his knob.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)

Today is our day!
Forks is waiting.
So…get get out of our way!

We are totally going we are two proud dorks!
So…be your name STY or LatchKey Wife or JJ or VitaminR70 or the rest of you biatches we love, we will see you in Forks!

The Greatest and Best Robert Pattinson Photo...a Tribute.

2010-01-21T13:32:00.003-08:00

Yes we've done it again.

We've made total asses of ourselves for the good of Fandom...

If you don't remember The Greatest and Best Charlie Swan Photo Shoot you really should go take a quick peek. Even if it is just to check out how HOT Nabs looks with a pornstache! Tres magnifique!

We had such a great time doing that photo shoot we knew we just had to do another one but honestly, we were stumped...no other character has a signature look quite as easy to recognize, not to mention as downright glorious as Billy Burkes 'stache in the Twilight Saga. I mean, all things considered the 'stache could have a movie all on its own.

Billy Burke's 'Stache in: Moustache Rides
I'd go see it.

So we decided the best thing to do in this situation was to go for broke. Let's just rock out with our cock out and jam out with our clam out and shoot a tribute for the greatest and best man of them all...

Mr. Robert Pattinson...kinda.

Now this photo shoot was a just a little different than the Charlie Swan shoot. We didn't do it outside in the woods with Nabs wearing nothing but a pair of fishnets and fishing boots (although that was a shit-ton of fun and I would do it again anytime).

Nope, this time she is fully clothed...but I think you will probably recognize a few of her outfits.

We have two avenues for you to enjoy our little photo shoot.

1. We have put together a video with all of the photos backed by an amazing version of the Tenacious D hit "Tribute" sung by moi, with lyrics written especially for this set of photographs.

*The video also compares our photos with the originals.

**Video only has one 'F' bomb...pretty good considering I was the one singing.

-OR-

2. I will post the photos at the end of this blog for your viewing enjoyment without the kick ass soundtrack.

Let us know your thoughts, or if you have another Twilight Character you would like to see us "Tribute" shout it out!

Bella Swan Rap

2010-01-14T11:59:00.000-08:00

*WARNING*

As with most of our posts, this video is not meant for baby ears.

So...if you can't handle the language/violence/mad dance skills - please put on your earmuffs before you click play.

(and don't forget to watch the Blooper Reel!)

So Nabs and I are HUGE fans of The Lonely Island. If you don't know what/who they are you totally need to get your head out of your Twilight book for just a second and check them out.

We totally heart their Natalie Portman Rap - which she did for an SNL digital short- and we can often be found driving around listening to it singing along trying not to pee our pants. In it, she portrays herself as a hard ass gangsta biatch with some serious anger management issues. We were blown away - busting a gut laughing at how sweet little Natalie Portman was rapping about her flagrant drug use and casual sex and telling all of us to SUCK HER DICK!

Click here for the link. You really should watch it, it's amazing!

It made us ponder. What if Bella Swan was gangsta?
I mean come on, we've all wished Bella would grow a pair and stop being so gosh darn helpless all the time right? Well, we made it happen.

Our video takes place after she has been changed into a vampire.
If you would like to read the lyrics, please watch it on You Tube and click on "More Info" and you can follow along as T-Nabs (as Bella) makes a valiant go of rapping.

Remember folks... our quality is shoddy at best, we don't really think we can rap - or dance for that matter - and our costume leaves something to be desired. We don't do this because we think we are good at it...we do this because it made us laugh our asses off and we hope it will do the same for you.

Enjoy!

Now, something a little different this time around.

We have realized throughout this adventure that we call bit blogging - that sometimes our best material is our bloopers. So we have put together a short blooper reel for you all to get a glimpse of what the hell goes on when we try to throw our crappy little projects together.

LOVE YOU ALL!

Happy Birthday Elvis

2010-01-08T12:04:00.000-08:00

Today is Elvis Presley's birthday.

Wondering how in the hell I know that? Well, everyone's favorite TwiSoup blog guest Jodie The TwiHater is Elvis obsessed.

Her obsession with Elvis rivals my equally insane obsession with Twilight and if you know either of us, that is really saying something. Today she brought her Elvis comemorative LIFE magazine to work with her and set up a shrine on our surgery board instructing all of us to "write something nice" for Elvis. She also brought along a shopping bag full of Twinkies and Ding Dongs in honor of the King. While I have a healthy respect for Elvis...I have an even healthier respect for Twinkies and Ding Dongs. I mean seriously, have you all seen Zombieland? I will never look at Twinkies the same way again.

Anyway, I was enjoying a delicious Twinkie and flipping through the truly amazing collection of photos in LIFE magazine when suddenly my Twilight radar went off. I took a second glance wondering why in the hell anything I was looking at would register as Twilight in my brain. After all, these were picture of Elvis...there is nothing even remotely Twilighty about Elvis; was there?

Then I saw it.

It was the hair

As I flipped through the pages, Elvis's signature bouffant began looking entirely too familiar. In fact, if I squinted my eyes and shook my head just a little the pictures of Elvis were beginning to look like pictures of RPatz.

Sure Elvis has a bit more Dapper Dan hair grease in his sexy locks, but that long in front - messy wave - panty melting hairdo was a dead ringer for somebody else I knew...

I looked up and smiled at Jodie. "He has Robert Pattinson hair."

"NOOOOOOO!!!!" Jodie screamed mortified that I just compared her Precious to my Precious.

"You can NOT turn MY Elvis into something Twilight related!"

"I mean just look, even you have to admit that this hair is pretty RPatz-ish." I held open the magazine and pointed to one of the full page photos.

"No, Robert Pattinson ripped off Elvis's hair!" She yelled grabbing her magazine from my hands before I could taint it any more than I already had.

I thought about that for a minute. She was probably right. Elvis did come first, so in theory he would be the true pioneer of the smexy bouffant. So today I would like to properly honor Elvis Presley.

Happy Birthday Elvis!

Thank you for everything you have done for music,

movies and celebrity male sex symbols!

From the bottom of our Twilight stuffed hearts

- SGP, T-Nabs and Nameless Wonder.

Elvis may have left the building...but he has never left our hearts....: )

Real Twilight Genius....

2010-01-05T15:27:00.001-08:00

As usual...we spoof for you!

I'm sure we've all heard the incredibly funny "Real Men of Genius" radio commercial series from Bud Light beer. If not here is some linkage so you can get yourselves up to speed...

Well, we couldn't help it...we needed to spoof these commercials.

So, Nabs and I spent a few hours putting together our own version of these amazing little jingles...only we do it the way we all like it: Twilight style.

So crack open a cold one...sit back and relax...and enjoy: Real Twilight Genius!!!!

*Yes, this is SGP and TNabs singing...again. I think you might be pleasantly surprised this time...*

If you dig it...let us know! We heart comments!!!

Twilight Fan Field Guide & Happy New Year Wishes!

2010-01-01T09:30:00.000-08:00

After spending lots and lots...and well, lots of time perusing the internet for Twilight related articles, photos, blogs, message boards etc... I have come to realize that there are many different types of Twilight fans. We are all so different in fact one could argue that each 'type' of fan is a different species. We have different habits, different tastes, different preferences...it's really[ very fascinating.

Being a science based individual I like my types (be it personality or species) described, grouped and then labeled for further study. Working in veterinary medicine has me even more inclined to label these specific "species" in a Latin-based format.

So, sitting here at work with nothing better to do than whip up a quick field guide for you Twilight fans out there...here you go.

Meyerus Puritas:
This is a Twilight fan who is 100% true to the books. They do not stray from Stephenie Meyer's written word no matter what. For them fanfiction is a dirty word as they detest anything out of character. In the most extreme cases, the Meyerus Puritas is even agaist the movie version and refuses to watch it due to deviations from the book.

Filmfanias Nonreadus:
The Filmfanias Nonreadus is a Twilight fan who has only seen the movie. They have not read the book for whatever reason and don't plan on it despite encouragment from friends and other Twilight fans. Filmfanias Nonreadus is not a reader of fanfiction and often asks really irritating questions on message boards in regards to the movie vs. book. Often times these questions that are asked could be answered if they would just read the fucking books already.

Twibailus Populas:
This is a Twilight fan who read the books when they first came out and loved them - but as soon as they became popular they immediately changed their mind and decided that it just wasn't cool to like Twilight anymore. They are commonly found lurking on Blogs and Message Boards posting things like, "I read Twilight WAY before it was popular and I just don't think it's that great anymore."

Twipopulas Avoidus:
This is someone who is avoiding becoming a Twilight fan because "everyone else is doing it." This person probably knows they will fall in love with the series but because it is already popular and not "edgy" and "origional" enough for them, they avoid all things Twilight and are often found making fun of those who do love it.

Diehardus Twifanis:
This is a Twilight fan who loves everything Twilight. They wear their Team Edward shirt everywhere, they have Twilight paraphenilia everywhere in their home, they have gone to Forks and Portland to do the Twi-tours (or are currently planning their trip), they celebrate Twilight character birthdays, they check blogs religiously every day, and they just got two new puppies and named them Edward and Bella.

Twifanis Inhideus:
The Twifanis Inhideus loves Twilight as much as the Diehardus Twifanis, but doesn't want to be quite as open about his/her obsession. They tend to hang out with one foot still in the Twilight closet, comfortable with their subdued level of PDTO (Public Display of Twilight Obsession). Alcohol tends to change the behavior of the Twifanis Inhideus to temporarily mirror that of a Diehardus Twifanis so in some situations the two can easily be misidentified.

Twifanis Denialus:
This species of Twilight fan is in complete denial in regards to their true level of obession. They have read the series and enjoyed it immensely but feel that they are either too old, too cool, or too embarassed to even admit the truth to themselves let alone the public. The Twifanis Denialus can often be found lurking on blogs and message boards. They may use the message boards to 'test the waters'. This species most often becomes a Twifanis Inhideus or Twipopulas Avoidus at some point.

Twifanis Normalus:
Rare, but they are out there. The Twifanis Normalus likes Twilight, but that is it. They are not obsessed and they don't hate it, they read it and enjoyed it and that is where it ends for them. Diehardus Twifanis will often try his/her hardest to convert Twifanis Normalus mostly because Diehardus Twifanis cannot relate. There are varying degrees of Twifanis Normalus, and some may even exhibit some Twifanis Inhideus tendancies on occasion.

TwiBlogis Writus:
This species of Twifan has taken it upon themselves to actually record their feelings on Twilight in a daily/weekly/monthly blog or webcast/podcast TwiBlogis Writus spends unprecidented hours researching online for photos and related Twilight news as well as writing articles/blogs about random Twilight topics. Many of them are also Diehardus Twifanis or at least Twifanis Inhideus. TwiBlogis Writus tends to attract and create more TwiBlogis Writis as well as help Twifanis Inhideus come out of the closet.

TwiTwius Useus:
This is a name for the Twifan who prefaces every word they can with 'Twi'. TwiTwius Useus is often a TwiBlogis Writus as well. Some Meyerus Puritas find the TwiTwius very irritating and refuse to preface anything with 'Twi' no matter how clever it may sound.

Museis Effectis:
This phenomenon is named after the popular band Muse that was frequently credited in the Twilight novels as being Stephenie Meyer's inspiration while writing. Whenever a band, clothing style, clothing line, fruit, candy, hairstyle, town, saying, etc... finds itself connected to Twilight - regardless of how loose that connection may be - it immediately becomes popular and successful because of obssessed Twilight fans who want to immerse themselves in everything and anything Twilight.

Fanficias Twiritus (Readus):
Fanficias Twiritus is a species of Twilight fan that spends hours upon hours of their personal time writing Twilight related fanfiction. There is also a sub-species of the FanFicias Twiritus called the Fanficias Readus who spends an equally extensive amount of time reading the fanfiction of Fanficia Twiritus. The two often blur lines of identification when Fanficias Readus decides to write his/her own fanfiction.

Vampirius Sparklaphillic:
Is a species that loves vampires who sparkle, namely the vampires in the Twilight saga.

Vampirius Sparklaphobic:
The Vampirius Sparklaphobic is a species of vampire fan that afraid of or hates sparkly vampires. Members of this grouping are usually found bashing the Twilight Vampires at any opportunity.

Robulus Pattzaphilliac:
The Robulus Pattzaphilliac are common amongst all Twilight fan types. They are particularly fond of the actor Robert Pattinson, and often obsess over doing dirty dirty things to him. RPatz is encouraged to use caution when approached by a Robulus Pattzphilliac.

If you guys can come up with anymore good ones comment away!
We'd lurve to hear them!!!

NOW...JUST FOR FUN

And just for fun I made a quick little video to express our thanks to everyone who made 2009 a very TWILIGHTY year. Life really would suck without all of our Followers and our bloggy friends and our daily Twilight enablers.

Here's to 2010 being even more amazing.

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Best X-Mas Gift EVER!!!

2009-12-26T09:55:00.000-08:00

As much as I sometimes try to hide my Twilight obsession from my family (really I'm just afraid they will send me away to rehab if they really knew the deep disturbing truth) - after a few beers all 'in the closet' behaviors go out the window at lightening fast speeds. So, needless to say most of my family is 110% aware of my addiction.

Last night we all sat down for a close family and friends SGP family style party in which much spirits were consumed and gifts and oddities were exchanged. My dad has a kick ass barn that he has transformed into his own personal bar and venue. The Barn is where his band "The Walt's Crawlers Band" (don't ask) holds all night jam sessions - many games of darts are won and lost - and the eclectic mix of stuff on the walls rivals any hole in the wall bar I've ever been to. I can't tell you how many times I've gotten wasted here, sung along with my dad to every Johnny Cash and Tom Petty song known to man kind - and laughed my ass off as my brother and dad play and sing the less well known Ted Nugent song "Fred Bear" (it's a Michigan thing if you are curious...check it).

Dad jammin out in "The Barn"

Anyway...this story does have a Twilight related point...

Last night in the barn - an extremely awesome family friend who shall remain unnamed because the gift he gave me was obtained through less than "honest" (pffft...whatev's it's kick ass) connections.

He handed me a gift bag at which I grimaced at because I had not purchased him a gift. He rolled his eyes and said, "Don't worry it didn't cost me anything." This made me feel just a little bit better. I opened the gift bag and started digging around and buried at the very bottom of the festive christmas colored mix of fluffy tissue paper was a small roll of what looked like film.

Since he knows I'm a photographer my first impression was that it was something to do with that. I don't handle much 35mm film anymore since I'm almost completely digital but you never know. I held it up and he started grinning like a kid in fat camp who had just found a snickers bar.

"Now you have your own piece of New Moon."

Holy fucking goat shit on a hot tar driveway. I carefully removed the tape from the tightly wound film and out spooled an entire scene clipped from a New Moon movie reel. Turns out Mystery Family Member knows someone who works at a movie theater and before they packed up the reel and sent it off to where ever it goes - he snipped out the entire Jacob transforming into a wolf scene and a few small snippets (Edward and Bella in the woods - half naked Jacob - and the New Moon title frame). I just keep thinking that that movie reel is going to end up at a $1 show somewhere and the poor saps sitting there are going to hear, "JAKE RUN!" and then there will be a disjointed skip and then you will see two wolves, Bella, and the rest of the pack. Oh well.

Does that make me a really bad person?

Sure it may be silly - but that was probably the best Christmas gift EVER.

I have no clue what I'm going to do with them, but I'm super stoked to add this new addition to my growing shrine to Twilight.

Just for fun - I leave you with some awesome pictures from last night. And FYI - I still hurt.

Proof of our family's dorkdom - you can see that we like spiked eggnog, my dad's homemade pickles, my awesome mom bought her best friend Twilight (I told her welcome to my world - here is my blog address and when you are ready for fanfiction email me), and my uncle received a kick ass storm troopers mug...oh yeah, and some Heine in honor of RPatz in there too.

Brother SGP says, "Christmas is fucking rad."

Is it piss in a jar? Is it apple juice? No, it's home made cinnamon Vodka...it was pretty effing good too. That xmas glass behind it was full and I drank the whole damn thing straight up.

Check it out - it's my hubby's car when it ran in Pinks All Out!!! Any of you ladies who have mechanically inclined husbands must feel my pain when I am forced to watch Pinks All Out and Pinks...trust me, it could be worse.

Best of all, my mom got brother SGP and I a handjob for Christmas. That's right...a handjob.

Have no idea what I'm talking about or why this is effing hilarious? Check it out:

I hope everyone had a great XMas!

Mucho's love from the frozen tundra that is Michigan...(I miss St. Louis).

MERRY MIS MIS!!!!

2009-12-25T12:16:00.001-08:00

So today I woke up at 4AM and rolled out of bed and lugged my super duper heavy suitcase through the cold wet muddy yard (because there is a HUGE truck parked in the driveway that is taking up all non muddy walking real estate...hmpf) and was unceremoniously pelted by freezing rain and serenaded by my roosters who can't tell the fucking time (yes, real roosters).

Then I hauled my sleeping four year old out of bed, kissed DH goodbye and headed off to the great white mitten otherwise known as Michigan, to visit my family for Christmas.

Why am I leaving my husband at home alone on Christmas Day?

Ask my fucking best friend who decided to get married the DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS. Katie, if you are reading this, I love your face and would do just about anything for you but seriously...WTF? : ) I love you.

My 8 hour trip consisted of me singing along (badly as you all know) to every song on my iPod and practically wearing out my New Moon soundtrack and kicking myself over and over for forgetting that EVERY fucking fast food place is closed on Christmas Day so I had to feed myself and my munchkin gas station doughnuts and chocolate milk.

Anyway, I thought of all of you a lot during my drive and wanted to jump on and wish you all a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Thank you SO much for all the amazing comments on 12 Days - and a super big thank you to my favorite bitches at Twitarded for giving us a shout-out.

Don't worry - T-Nabs and I have muchos funny up our sleeves and plan to get back into the swing of things as soon as this family cluster fuckedness is over.

I LURVE ALL OF YOU!!!

SGP

The 12 Things that Summit Did...

2009-12-21T10:55:00.000-08:00

The 12 Things that Summit Did that Really Pissed Us Off!!!

I think no further intro is needed right? I hope you get a kick out of it. I know we had a blast erm...recording it. Between my swine flu man-boy voice and T-Nabs' endearing tonedeafness we were quite the pair!

*WARNING*

WE CANNOT SING
Proceed with caution.

How many HUMAN Twilight Characters Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?

2009-12-18T07:48:00.000-08:00

That might win for longest title in history...seriously.

Ok, so sorry for a lack of updates and comments from the peanut gallery (us). I totally got my ASS kicked by the Swine flu this week. Yes, I...SGP...am down with the H1 to the N1...or "High Nigh" if you are down with the piggy sickness.

I had a fever for so long and for so many days I was pretty convinced I was going to turn into a werewolf at any given moment. I mean really I had all the symptoms:

Flushed skin and high temperature - CHECK!
Getting pissed off easily - Everytime my husband wakes me up with a stupid question like, "Where are the pull-ups?" I have to fight an urge to come at him like a spider monkey with an anger management problem, so... CHECK!

Anyway...I'm feeling better now and I'm heading over to T-Nabs' house in a few to lay down some sweet ass tracks for your later enjoyment. Until then I thought I would at least throw you guys a bone.

If you don't recall our last Twilight Lightbulb istallment...check it out here.

So here it is:

How many HUMAN Twilight Characters Does it Take To Change a Lightbulb?

Mike will insist that he changes the light bulb but only if Bella stays and watches so he can show off his manliness and prove he's the best guy for her. Eric and Angela will takes pictures of the light bulb being changed and then post it as front page news in tomorrow's school newspaper. Jessica will roam the school wearing her most seductive low-cut shirt in an attempt to persuade the entire male student body to come to her rescue. Tyler will change the light bulb because he's such a nice guy, but then he will accidentally lose his balance, and as he's falling off the latter the bulb will fly out of his hand and narrowly miss Bella's head by a mere centimeter before shattering in a million pieces. Bella will then trip over a crack in the floor and land in the shattered glass cutting her hands and knees which leads to yet another visit to the hospital. Tyler will spend the rest of his life apologizing to her. Renee will tell everyone she can't change the light bulb due to geographic difficulties and Charlie will take the light bulb in for questioning as part of an on-going investigation of a string of unexpected black-outs plaguing the town.

*Thank you Nameless Wonder for your contribution to the "Twilight Characters and Lightbulbs" Saga. I love you.

Would the real Edward Cullen Please Stand Up?

2009-12-11T14:56:00.000-08:00

Help..........I lost my Edward........AGAIN!!!! I...

I'm currently undergoing a major catastrophe.

I've once again lost my Edward. Yes, sadly, this has happened before. If we take a journey back a couple of months through TwiSoup time capsule and we'll find a post called: Has Anyone Seen My Edward? In that post, the catalyst of my Edward loss was the "Wonderful World of FanFiction". I had recently read my first steamy romance between Edward and Bella in the story "Wide Awake". Edward was all angsty, cursing up a storm, utterly vulgar, smoking, and horny. Really, really horny. I honestly thought it couldn't get any fucking better than that but I was quickly proven wrong. See, I had asked you, my fellow Twi-Junkies, to recommend some more juicy fics. Holy shit, the women of the Twi-fiction world are effing amazing! I have now read SO many that in order to keep my Edwards straight I have begun to compartmentalize.
Fanfiction gives titles such as Tattward, Officeward, Domward, Listward......I could go on forever with this, but I think you get the idea. I find it easier if I have categories like.....

Smoking and Cursing Edward
Teenage Angsty Edward
Tattooed Edward
Sex-god Vampire Edward
Dr. Edward Cullen
Daddy Edward........and they tell two friends.......and so on........and so on.............

Like I said, I've compartmentalized!

There is also a special category for the real Twilight Edward. You know, Mr. uber polite, gentlemanly, too caught up in his own bullshit, scared to jerk off Edward?
For him I have borrowed the incredibly clever title Sparklepus! (If you haven't read Breathe Me by afragilelittlehuman you should)!

I have accepted the fact that due to my FanFiction obsession, I have basically desensitized myself to the tinglies once produced by the real saga. I've learned to acknowledge Mr. Sparklepus for the muse that he truly is. If it weren't for him paving the way I would have never had Sexy Doctorward!

With this revelation all seemed well in my head.....crisis averted......no mass casualties........right?

WRONG AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!

Summit stole my Edward! That's right! Those corporate Hollywood bastards completely ruined Sparklepus.

Yes, I loved New Moon. Sure, some parts were better than others but that is an entire blog post that I will have to save for later. The real issue here is Edward. Could somebody please find a passage from the books that says Edward dresses like an old man and has a bite mark on his nipple? Oh you can't? It doesn't exist you say? Yeah I didn't fucking think so either!

"GET OUT OF MY YARD!!!"

I totally get the fact that Edward is supposed to be a 109-year-old vampire trapped in a 17-year-old's body. On top of that he was from a well-to-do family in Chicago. He wouldn't be some beefy hunk. He'd have long lean muscles if he had any to speak of at all. So why in the name of hunky leading men couldn't Stephanie Meyer have made Edward a good ol' fashioned farm boy? Seriously, have you girls seen what a lifetime of hauling hay and riding horses does to a young man.....mmmmm yummy!

"Who want's to ride bareback?"

I digress though......... If we are honest with ourselves we will see that Robert Pattinson fits his role perfectly. If Edward were to leap out of my book he would look just like my favorite picture.....

...sans the ciggy mind you.

Rpattz is beautiful. He's nearly perfect, but somehow Summit managed to desecrate that beauty!

Rpattz willingly admits to much airbrushing for the shirtless scene. He's pale, has sunken in eyes, a freaggin bite mark on his nipple, grandpa shoes, and just looks downright emaciated. They may as well of tattooed a serial number on his forearm and put a sign over the door that reads,"Thank you for visiting Auschwitz....please come again soon!" ***(Wow, no religious offenses intended.....that just slipped right out. I am going to speak for my counterparts as well as myself here and state that we in no way wish to belittle and degrade the absolute miraculous moment it would have certainly been when one such prisinor would have left one such camp alive, but with that said I am also certain that Stoney is going to come up with some fucking sweet ass graphic that makes me spew my drink from my nose. My most sincerest appologies again, but I just can't find the will to hit the backspace button right now!)

Anywhoooo...back to Edward and can we just take a moment and say something about that man's 'V'.

"I touched it!"

Oh my goodness I have never seen such a lickable perfect V. That sort of perfection, my friends, can not be faked. All I can say is, Summit what the hell were you thinking? Was Rpattz's beauty too much for you? Did you not think that little Taycob could compete against a grown man? Did you fugly him on purpose? Or, maybe you are so clueless that you had no fucking clue how off the mark you really were! (Don't worry Rpattz....I still thought you were hot, it's just that I know you can be so much hotter......OK that really doesn't make sense, but I'm sure you understand!)

[SGP Says, "My vote is still with Team JacobV...So hot!"]

Really the only thing that redeemed Edward at all in the movie was the first "strut" over to Bella in the parking lot. After that....he was gone......stolen.......hopefully not lost forever. Remember, we still have Eclipse and BD 1&2! There is still hope!

I'm going to have to agree with JJ and STY over at Twitarded......Summit really could benefit from sensible fans being on site to give them constructive feedback. I am in no way suggesting that I believe I am qualified for such an undertaking, but someone out there is.......If the director could just be like, " So what did you think of what we did there?" and the sensible fan could be like, "Well, it looked pretty good, but I'm pretty sure that in the book Bella cries, Alice wears awesome designer clothes and Jasper doesn't look like he has a fucking stray cat on atop his gorgeous head!"

"MEOW!"

OK chickadees this is where I stop myself.........I will end by saying that of three things I am certain.......One, Sparklepus is a vampire. Two, there's a part of him that yearns to look like the young hot sex on a stick piece of ass that he is. Three, I am undeniably and irrevocably in love with him!

Twilight Inspires us in the Weirdest Ways

2009-12-08T18:58:00.000-08:00

Do you ever have one of those moments where you come up with a fantastical wacky idea that sounds incredibly fun and exciting and you would love to be able to pull it off but you are afraid that your friends/family/coworkers might think you are a tad bit crazy and may possibly consider locking you into a 5x7 padded cell? Or maybe the idea is so fantastical you have no idea how in the hell you are going to fund such an adventure? Well, I come up with those kinds of ideas all the time and fortunately I refuse to take "no" or "HELL no" or even "how old are you?" for an answer.

Case and point #1: The Christmas Party

About three years ago I was sitting around with my recently deceased BOB (Battery Operated Boyfriend) and pondering how in the hell I was going to justify buying a new one without my husband completely flipping his lid. These things are quite an investment after all (at least they are if you go for quality) and I was pretty positive that he wasn't about to drop any of our savings into a manhood threatening vibrating piece of rubber. I knew I wasn't going to be able to survive for very long without SGP 'private time' so I knew I had to come up with something quick (hehe - I said come).

I started thinking about asking for one for Christmas since it was only a month away, but I realized quickly that opening a vibrator with the rest of the family watching or even having to explain, "What did Mr. SGP get you for Christmas?" to my grandma was not an option. I mean, wouldn't it be kick ass if EVERYONE got vibrators for Christmas?

Then the lightbulb kicked on and the glorious lights of the sex toy Gods showered their brilliance upon me.

XXX Mas Party.

My goal: To throw a XXX themed Christmas Party where every adult brings a wrapped adult toy and we play "rob your neighbor" or "white elephant" or whatever you call it in your neck of the woods.

And so the annual XXX-Mas Party was born. Sure they all laughed and thought I was joking around until they got my XRated invitation in the mail a few weeks later. Sure everyone still thought it was a joke as they filed into my house with pretty wrapped boxes and gift bags from The Hustler Boutique.

Yeah we all got a good laugh when Becky took a dildo in the face after Shannon stole it from her during the second round (those girls got intense holy shit) and then she stole it back so Shannon chucked it at her from across the room. However, when all was said and done everyone left the house asking, "We are doing this next year right?"

Yes, Banders is pleased with her present.

There is always one jokester in the crowd.

Is that your chin or are you just happy to see me?

SCORE!!! Becks takes a dildo to the face.

The Dickacorn is a mystical creature...

And so a tradition was born.

Now imagine two years later and Twilight has entered my life like a runaway Mack truck.

No I am not planning a XXX Themed Twilight Party...but good idea! Something tells me the sparkle peen would be a feature item.

This story starts much like the XXX Mas Party story - minus the broken dildo. I was in my car (where I do my best thinking - and singing) and I was flipping through my iPod trying to find a Twilight related song and it fell on Flightless Bird American Mouth. I was singing along (badly) and thinking about the Prom scene which led me to think about my own HighSchool Prom experiences. Now this may come as a shock to you all but I was a bit of an odd ball in HighSchool - well honestly Nameless Wonder and I were both odd balls in High School. We were figure skaters, we had our own small Film/Photography business, and we were attached at the hip 24/7. For our Junior Prom we were totally obsessed with Titanic so we dressed like we were from that era and for our Senior Prom we dressed like vampires. Neither Prom was a costume dance mind you...we were just cool like that. Now I had a blast at both Proms and I started to wonder why we had to stop doing kick ass stuff like that just because I was now an “adult” – whatever that means.

I thought about how fun it would be to get my hair done in a cheesy Prom updo and how badly I wanted to dance the final dance to Flightless Bird, or Let me Sign, or something Twilight related.
I wanted to dance under a collection of Christmas lights so bright they made my retinas burn.
I wanted to go prom dress shopping and have some hoodlums try to rape me in a back alley and then have Edward save me with his pussy growl and shiny Volvo...ok maybe not that last part.

Bottom line: I wanted a fucking Prom.

I tentatively started bringing this idea up to my friends - conveniently leaving out the Twilight part to everyone except for Nabs – sort of testing the waters if you will. The responses I got were 50/50. Half of them thought the idea was totally rad and half asked me if I was having a mid life crisis. I didn't care what anyone said, I was planning a Prom damn it.

The main issue I seemed to be having was funding. How in the fuck was I supposed to be able to afford up front costs for a hall, keg deposit (because my Prom would not be complete without a keg), decorations, photographer and a DJ?

And what about a Theme? I couldn’t just do Monte Carlo…that would totally give away the fact that I was trying to recreate the Twilight Prom.

Enter the glorious lights of the party gods shining down on me. What if we turned Prom into a Charity event? It was a win-win!

I contacted my favorite animal charity the Pet Peace of Mind Program to see if they would be willing to help with financing the fundraiser. Not only did they totally jump on the idea, they fronted all the much needed start up fundulation! WOOT! WOOT!

I quickly created tickets.

Pay no attention to the Twilight-esque apple on the front...

Booked a photographer that agreed to work pretty close to pro-bono.

I rented a hall at an art museum and enslaved Nabs, my brother, his girlfriend, Banders, and LayLay to help with decorations. We used the FUCK out of some Christmas lights and crepe paper and VOILA!!!! We had a Prom on our hands.

Thankfully only a few people noticed that the color theme was black and red and the tickets had a red apple on the front that was similar to the Twilight book cover. Not many people noticed when I slipped in Eyes on Fire and Let Me Sign and Tremble for My Beloved in the playlist.

I may have gotten a few complaints when the last dance was to Flightless Bird…but fuck them it was my Prom.

Thankfully I had Nabs there to dance with me and enable my Twilight Prom fantasy. She might not be RPatz but she’s probably the next best thing.

What all of our Prom guests did notice is that everyone had a blast and as they left that night almost every person came to me and said, “We are doing this next year right?”

You bet your sweet asses we are.

Here are some of my favorite pictures! And for those of you who are curious we raised about $500! We hope to double that next year. Further proof that the power of Twilight really does conquer all.

So, if you want to have a Twilight Prom, or recreate the Breaking Dawn honeymoon scene complete with pillows and furniture destruction…JUST DO IT! We only live once and we should never NOT do something because someone else thinks we are crazy. Chances are, they will thank you for having bigger balls than them.

Love you all! – SGP

Prom 2009:
All Photos by Ben Fournier

My team of enablers...

Dance biatches!!!

Brother SGP and his adorable GF

I know, I'm such a handfull.

SGP and Brother SGP big pimpin'

She's so freakin' tiny.

T Nabs with the keg stand...I BOW TO YOU!!!

Lazer gettin' some.

Now THAT is what I'm talking about!!!

Yeah that's Bander, Nabs and I...we totally did that.

Twilight: Retold by Someone Who Has Never Seen It

2009-11-30T18:39:00.000-08:00

If any of you are an uber dork like myself you may have stumbled upon this amazing little gem of a You Tube video:

Star Wars Retold By Someone Who Has Never Seen It

If you haven't seen it... you should. It's fucking hilarious.

Anyway, after watching it I had the brilliant idea to have our favorite friend Jodie The TwiHater tell us the story of Twilight as she sees it (you all may remember her from: Twilight Showdown at Work). I of course am not nearly as movie savvy as the guy who made the Star Wars video but I think we held our own on this one.

Jodie The TwiHater has never read the books or seen the movie. The only thing she knows about Twilight is what she has seen in previews and heard in our random conversations at work. She seemed pretty convinced she had the basic storyline down so I let her have at it.

I hope you enjoy her amazing take on Twilight and a little clever photo editing to go along with her dialogue.

As always, comments keep us motivated. We love all of you! Enjoy!
PS: If you like this one, and you ask nicely we may or may not have a New Moon version up our sleeves.

You Tube Link if you can't see the embedded video.

A Night of Stoli and Glitter

2009-11-27T10:21:00.000-08:00

New Moon Premiere:

Wednesday night I was so excited I had to take a Vicodin and about two trips to the bathroom to poop before I could even consider sleeping.

I knew that when I woke up the next morning it would finally be long awaited New Moon Day! After months of waiting, speculating and planning, November 19th was finally here and I could hardly contain my Squee’s of delight.

I woke up entirely too early and spent the better part of my morning pacing the floor from the computer to the door trying not to hyperventilate. At 10:30 I finally heard my doorbell echo through the house and like a giddy teenager I yanked the door open and stood on the threshold staring expectantly at T-Nabs.

After an extended silent stare-off, T-Nabs clenched her hands into tight fists and her face lit up in an anticipatory “squee” face I think any Twilight fan would recognize.

After getting our kiddos settled with a electric babysitter movie and munchies, we set up shop in my living room. In went the Twilight DVD, and out came the plethora of puffy paint, glitter, and other t-shirt making supplies.

We spent the next 8 hours creating our New Moon premiere ensembles and watching Twilight on loop three times (once with commentary). We took breaks only to eat, pee, and pass on the kids to their daddy’s for a night of kid free bliss. We broke open a celebratory bottle of Cherry wine and we glittered and giggled and created the day away.

Finally the golden hour arrived. Another knock at my door signaled the arrival of my amazing friend Banders. She was not feeling very well but her dedication and love for all things Twilight was not going to get her down. She was going to New Moon come hell or high water.

We all piled into the Mazda and headed off to our destiny: Towne Square Cinema – Theater #12.

When we arrived at the theater it was easy to see that we were the first ones there and the theater staff was not expecting anyone for a few more hours. T-Nabs and I were fucking starving but we didn’t want to lose our chances of being first in line so two diehard members of our posse offered to stay behind and hold our spots at the front of the line. T-Nabs, Banders and myself made a beeline to Taco Bell.

Now I suppose I should set the scene a bit here. While Banders looks pretty freakin’ normal, T-Nabs and I…well…we don’t. I’m sure you have noticed that we like to make asses of ourselves. We are not afraid to let our inner drag queen show herself no matter the occasion. Not only were we decked out in completely glittered home-made tshirts, our faces were covered in Vegas girl style glitter designs and we were wearing Team Switzerland boingy headbands. Needless to say we attracted some attention, thankfully most of it good.

Check out the Twitarded Buttons..see 'em...see 'em!!

After a totally awkward conversation about drug use with the girl taking our order at the Taco Bell counter (yeah, I was fucking confused too…I think she has a problem with prescription pain pills and she was not at all shy about letting us know about it) we ate, had an impromptu Eyes on Fire karaoke moment in the bathroom (the acoustics are so awesome in bathrooms) and headed back to the theater.

Before we ventured back inside T-Nabs and I pulled out our drug of choice for the evening: A big cool bottle of Stoli (in honor of RPatz of course).
We took turns taking shots (that’s right bitches…we don’t need no stinking training wheels) and we filled our flasks in preparation for a long glorious night.

New Moon was still 4 hours away.

As we sat in the holding line we made friends with some kick ass 15 year olds sitting next to us. I’m pretty sure we taught them some things we probably shouldn’t have (like how sneak candy and alcohol into a movie theater…in your bra of course! And how much Stoli should go into your cup of soda) but we all had a blast talking about New Moon and how fucking excited we all were.

We were UBER lucky and two hours before the show started the theater peeps let us into the actual auditorium so we could sit and hang out comfortably before the show started. We RAN for our choice seats and were thrilled to see our line buddies choose the seats directly in front of us. See the bonds you make through Twlight? It’s truly glorious.

Just breathe Nabs...breathe...

T-Nabs and I of course had ants in our pants so we couldn’t stay seated for very long. We preferred to get up and wander around the theater and talk to other Twihards. We got lots of mad props for our boingy headbands and even had people ask to take our pictures…now, I do understand that they may have been taking our pictures because they thought that we were mentally unstable…but you know what? I’m totally fucking cool with that.

After Tour de TwiSoup we finally made our way through the crowd and back to our theater where we unknowingly walked smack into World War III.

We like to call it: Thursday night RAW!!! Kate Gosselin vs. Sweet Lady SMACKDOWN!!!

Seriously people...she had this exact Bitch Face.

Ok, so it really wasn’t Kate Gossselin…but the lady had the horrific Kate Gosselin reverse mullet going on and she thought she was the fucking shit. I’m not joking people. This bitch thought she was the hottest MILF on the planet and she had 20 seats saved for her and her tribe of creepy matching stepford mommys and nine year old daughters. At this point the theater is packed and she is directing traffic like she owns the place. We are 1 hour until take off and most of her party has not yet arrived so she has about 15 empty seats which were quickly becoming a hot commodity. Apparently Sweet Lady and her daughter wandered around the theater for a bit and couldn’t find seats so they accidentally sat down in Kate Gosselin's “reserved VIP seating” area.

All hell broke fucking lose. KG flew off the handle and started screaming at this poor woman and stomping around and waving her finger like a spoiled twat face. She didn’t nicely ask this woman to move she SCREAMED at her. After a few moments of yelling and pointing she marched off to find a manager. She pulls him into the theater and starts wagging her finger in his face and pointing at the poor Sweet Lady and her daughter. Manager Man walks over to Sweet Lady and motions for them both to stand up and then asks them to move.

WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!

At this point there are NO seats left. Sweet lady and her daughter are standing there looking completely lost while KG is standing there looking all smug and satisfied with herself. You all have no idea how badly I wanted to launch myself off my seat and tackle the bitch.

Of course T-Nabs and I can’t stand for this. No little girl deserves to have to have this happen to her on her New Moon night. It was her special fucking night! Unable to let this just happen without doing something about it T-Nabs stands up and turns to face the back of the theater and says:

“Do you guys see what is going on down there?”

She gets several sympathetic nods.

“Is that seat empty? How about that one? If you guys move over and you move up one row can we get two seats together? We can? Oh my god you guys fucking ROCK!!!”

We find Sweet Lady and her daughter seats! With the team work of all the TWiHards around us…we made it happen.

T-nabs and I tear down the stairs after Sweet Lady boingy headbands bouncing wildly on our heads. As we turn the corner we almost run smack into Sweet Lady who is talking to the Manager Man.

“We found you seats!” We exclaim in stereo. “We saw what happened and everyone moved and we got you seats!”

Sweet Lady looks at both of us probably fearful for her life…and honestly I can’t blame her, we look pretty crazy. But then she smiles. “See, there are nice people in the world still.”

At this time Banders comes around the corner and looks right at Manager Man and says, “I cannot believe that happened. I am appalled that you let that woman kick these two people out of those seats.”

Manager Man smiles sympathetically. “Yeah, I know. Please feel free to throw your trash on her on your way out. I will happily clean it up.”

Yeah people. He totally said that.

We high-five each other and return to our seats feeling like we did something pretty fucking awesome in the name of Twilight.

[To those of you who were there that night and you moved seats so those two could sit together…YOU EFFING ROCK MY WORLD!!!]

As you all know the movie fucking rocked – I laughed, I cried, I was totally fucked in the head after that Alice vision frolick-in-the-daisy-field scene – and I still have blue balls from watching half naked wolves for two hours straight.

New Moon for the win! Sure it had its moments were we all went…Whaaa? But the New Moon midnight show experience is something I will remember forever. Thank you to everyone who was there that made it memorable:

Who is Team Taco? hehe just kidding.
This kid was my fucking hero...seriously.

T-Nabs, Stoli…you fucked me up, in a good way, Banders, Amy, LayLay & Mommy, Nameless Wonder in line three states away, Team Jacob kid…you fucking rocked my world…POSE OFF!!!, Team 15 Year olds…you girls made our night, the lady who took our picture in the bathroom…that was baller, Manager Man, Kati – the popcorn soda girl who couldn’t add, Taco Bell drug addict…you should probably get some help, Olivia Newton John Volturi girl, Team Bumpit, all the awesome people we met in the bathroom and in the hallways, my brother who kept texting me from one time zone away taunting me that he already watched the movie…you are a fucktard but I still love you…and everyone else who was there!

Pure Bliss...or are we just wasted?

I CAN’T WAIT FOR ECLIPSE!!!!!

Hey Team Edward! Welcome to the.. erm...Black Side?

2009-11-21T12:39:00.000-08:00

My name is Nameless Wonder and I am a self-proclaimed member of Team Edward. You know the kind, “Edward and Bella forever” and all that.

Total vamp girl all the way - no ifs, ands or buts about it.

But deep down within my soul there is a very dark secret that I must confess – I am in love with Jacob Black.

Now before all you Team Edwards form a lynch mob and come after me, please allow me to tell you my story. The truth is I am probably more shocked than you at this sudden revelation because not only was I a devoted member of Team Edward, I was a very outspoken advocate AGAINST Team Jacob – I literally hated his character. And yet here I am, going “dark side.”

[SGP NOTE: She speaks truth, when we first started admitting to each other that we were Twilight obsessed and I admitted to being Team Jake...she nearly lopped my head off with a shovel.]

My only excuse for this sudden change of heart can best be explained by the following photo:

I mean, hello Taylor Lautner (enter heavy sigh here)

Okay, so I’m a little slow to jump on the Taylor bandwagon. But come on, just look at him (however be forewarned, you may not be able to STOP looking) Just like our favorite heroine of the saga, I too am human. And Taylor Lautner (aka Jacob Black) definitely “speaks” to my most basic of human needs…and I know y’all know what I’m talking about...

So there you have it. I’ve gone dark side simply because Taylor Lautner is HOT!

Don't be ashamed Nameless...just LOOK at him, we understand.

Well, okay. So there definitely is some truth to that statement, but putting those ripped six-pack abs aside, lets look at Jacob from a less distracting point-of-view, that of Stephanie Meyer’s.

In my own opinion, The Twilight Saga is written in a way that we as readers experience the story mostly from the same perspective as Bella. We read Stephanie’s words as they are being told through the eyes of this one character and for me, it became very personal. The more engrossed in the story I became, the more I found myself becoming the character of Bella. And because of this, it wasn’t just Bella that fell in love with Edward, I myself did as well. When Edward leaves in New Moon, every emotion Bella experienced, I experienced. He didn’t just leave Bella, he left me.

However, Bella must be stronger than I, because as she was able to at times forget and find comfort in Jacob’s friendship, I simply couldn’t. For me, it was Edward or nothing. New Moon was almost torturous for me to listen to (clarification on this – I listen to the audio books, not hardcopy). I fought back the urge to just “skip a few cd’s” and get to the point of the story when Edward has his comeback. But I didn’t give in, and I suffered through the Jacob-centric storyline. And I didn’t enjoy one bit of it. Even the big “Jacob is a wolf” reveal (spoiler alert if you haven’t read the books, – which if you haven’t, why the hell are you reading this?) was rather predictable and not satisfying at all to me. Just give me my Edward back and all will be good. And then Alice shows up, they take a quick trip to Italy and all is well once again.

As far as I was concerned, I say to Jacob Black - goodbye and good riddance.

[SGP SAYS: How in the FUUUUCK do you say good riddance to this?]

Oh, but Jacob doesn’t say goodbye. He just keeps coming back. As the story progresses through Eclipse, all is well with Bella and Edward. I have the love of my life back and all is bliss once again. But this annoying little hot head of a kid just won’t go away. Through-out Eclipse, Jacob develops into a very stubborn, immature guy that doesn’t know when to back off. He’s too competitive, too driven by jealousy, and at times he’s very close to crossing a line of being too forceful with Bella. Even when she tells him to back off, he doesn’t. Damn you Jacob - no means no. Deal with it. At this point, I REALLY don’t like Jacob Black.

Then Stephanie changes it up a bit in Breaking Dawn. No longer is the story told solely through the eyes of Bella, but now we have Jacob’s perspective as well. And listening to the audio version of the book adds to the overall effect this has on the story, mainly because the Jacob perspective is presented through a male reader, really separating his story from Bella’s. And I will admit, stepping into his shoes and understanding his motives and thoughts really got me rethinking my hatred towards his character. Of course, at the same time Edward is just flat out annoying and at times unbearable (but that’s a whole other blog) which makes it very easy to begin sympathizing with and enjoying Jacob. And then of course when Renessmee comes, Jacob Imprints on her. Suddenly his once undying obsession to win Bella comes to an end and we’re left with a Jacob that is kind-hearted and well…lovable. No longer viewing him as a threat to Bella and Edward’s happiness, I was finally able to “relax” and just enjoy Jacob for who he was.

[SGP: This photo makes me hyperventilate.]

And it is with this mindset that I entered my first re-reading of the Twilight Saga. Reliving all the emotions that is Twilight, I loved Edward more than ever and although it still hurt when he left, the devastation of his absence was almost non-existent. I think having experienced the entire Saga from a Bella perspective, on the re-reading I was able to detach myself from her and read the story from my own perspective. And I must say, my perspective of the Twilight Saga is rather different than Bella’s. I won’t go into much detail on that, but what is important here is that during New Moon, I really enjoyed Jacob’s character.

Thinking back on it, I honestly can’t really say why I missed all this the first time around. I think I was just so hooked on Edward Cullen that everything else just didn’t matter. But now, Jacob made me laugh, he made me cry; he made me feel for him. And by the time I was onto my second run through of Breaking Dawn, Bella and Edward both just annoyed me and it was always a refreshing change when the story shifted to Jacob once again.

I found a new-found appreciation for Jacob Black as I re-read the Twilight Saga, and now with the release of New Moon the movie, this appreciation moved to a whole new level. Let’s just say that when Bella goes to Italy to save her beloved Edward, I was thinking “Ah let him die…” I just wanted more Jacob (okay, lets be honest here – I wanted more of Jacob’s body : ) Edward in New Moon really didn’t do much for me, and I think this is for two reasons:

1 – Because you’ve got Jacob hanging around with his shirt off all the time, talk about a major distraction. I laughed my ass off when they finally get to Italy and Edward dramatically takes his shirt off as he walks towards the light. After watching Jacob prance around half naked for the past hour, when Edward shows off his stuff, it’s like “seriously, that’s all you got?” Here Jacob is Death by Chocolate and Edward is some prepackaged, not even home-made chocolate chip cookie. You can’t even compare the two. Now I know in the book Edward is described as being almost as muscular as Jacob, but in the real world, Mr. Rob doesn’t even hold a candle to Taylor.

Airbrushed abs just aren't doing it for me Edward...sorry.

And 2 – (on a more serious note) because for the first time, I was able to enjoy this story completely detached from the story emotionally. I was finally able to experience this from a completely outside perspective, and witnessing it visually just made me think to myself, if I were Bella and Edward left me the way he did (hell the whole damn family left me the way they did) I would not just run back into his arms at the first chance I got, all being forgiven. Hell no, I would have kicked his ass! And to have her tell Jacob that “I’d choose him, it’s always been him” man that just hurt. Here Jacob has been her friend, picked up the pieces and put her back together and she turns her back on him the second Edward is back in the picture. And yes I have read the books so I know that emotionally, it’s not as simple as this. But right now, with those six pack abs staring back at me, all I know is that if Jacob were standing in my window begging me not to go, he’d only have to ask me once : ) Hell, he probably wouldn’t have to ask me at all.

So, now to really confuse the hell out of y’all -

After all I have just said, I have to say that I am still, and always will be a devoted member of Team Edward. And I say this because at the end of the day, for me the true beauty of Twilight is the love that exists between Edward and Bella, and the magical quality it has (yes, I said magical…yes I know that is extremely corny). And when it’s all said and done, I will always want Bella and Edward to be together. Just as Bella said, it has always been him.

But for now, I’m enjoying the eye candy that is New Moon the movie and for the time being, I’m going Jake-Side...and I know I’m not the only one...

The Greatest Charlie Swan Photo Shoot Ever: A Tribute

2009-11-13T18:20:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer from T-Nabs: I in no way think that I am America's next top model. I am actually pretty freaked out to have these pictures up...but I did it for you biatches to get a laugh. Please do not take these pictures seriously as I don't, and either does Stoney [well, I take composition seriously...but not content]. Enjoy them! Go Team Moustache!!!

As a photographer, I am often searching for new and innovative ways to stretch my artistic muscles... if you will. Lately it seems that I have been toiling away at newborn portraits, pet portraits, senior portraits...blah blah blah...While these are still fun and and I love doing them it isn't where my true passion lies.

Although I am probably the furthest thing from a fashionista...I am OBSESSED with fashion photography. If I could run away to New York and become Nigel Barker...I totally would. Unfortunately, only the occasional Trash the Dress photo session gives me the free reign of a true fashion shoot. I knew I was due.

Enter Twilight.

T-Nabs and I were sitting around the other day (probably drinking again...damn wine) wondering what new and fun thing we could come up with for the blog. We knew it was going to be hard following up the Dirty Seuss post...but we were confident we had something up our sleeves.

Thankfully, T-Nabs is hot (T-Nabs: Her words not mine) and very photogenic and an extrovert to boot. She doesn't mind letting me use her as a photographic guinea pig and for that I am sure I will be eternally grateful.

We were trying to think of a good way to incorporate Twilight into a fanfuntastic photo session that would tie in not only our obsession for Twilight...but our quirky-dorky-personalities too.

Then it came to me. Let's do a fashion style photo shoot that pays homage to one of the greatest characters in Twilight: Charlie Swan.

And so the Tribute to Charlie Swan was born.

Now, we couldn't just dress up like a hot cop or wrap T-Nabs in a Rainier can...so...we tapped in to Chief Swans other passion: Fishing.

Off we went to Busch Wildlife in Defiance, MO with tons of gear and fishing pole in tow. We trekked a mile in mucky mud (I actually lost my shoe at one point) until we reached our destination...the spillway. It was beautiful, secluded, and perfect for the "atmosphere" we were going for.

Enter fishing pole, fishnets, high heels, flannel and big over sized boots and...a moustache.

I hope you enjoy them as much as we did taking them. We really want to do another session so if any of you creative peeps out there have a suggestions for the next character to honor...we are all ears!

Click on photos to see them in full resolution.

By far our favorite photo of the day.

I hope you got a kick out of that! Let's give T-Nabs a round of applause for being such a good fucking sport!

Peace out my Twiloving friends...only 6 more days to bliss!!!

SGP

Dirty Seuss: TwiSoup takes on The Cat in the Hat

2009-11-08T18:18:00.000-08:00

* WARNING *

This post is full of graphic sexual situations...if you are not 18+ or you are a prude who is easily offended by some good hard fucking...then please stop reading now.

So we all know how much T-Nabs and I LUUUURVE 'The Office'. Our Power Panties quest should be proof enough of that. Well, we have taken our love for this amazing bit of sexy fanfiction and written our own homage to it...Dirty Seuss Style.

***And if you haven't read it yet...you MUST!!! Here is some linkage: The Office ***

I am sure you all remember our first installment "Bella's Virgin Clam" well, I warmly welcome you all to sit back, relax, and enjoy our version of "The Cat in the Hat". . . I will warn you though, this is much much naughtier than the last one. The subject matter of course was slightly more saucy.

I hope you like it! If you do... show us some love and comment and maybe we will do some more...

Awww who the fuck am I kidding, we will do more anyway because we laugh our asses off in the process. Nothing like a bottle of wine...or two...split between two friends while forever ruining the most sacred of childhood reading classics.

So, without futher ado...

"The Beautiful 'B' and Me"
based on "The Office"
Ripped off from Dr. Seuss: The Cat in the Hat

The sun did not shine
It was a really rough day
As I sat in the office
Watching the clock tick tick away.

I sat there with Angela
We sat there, we two.
And I said, "How I wish
my boss Beautiful Bastard
Would go to Timbuktu."

It was almost time to go home.
I had one more thing to do.
Go over a presentation with Beautiful B.
He was going to be an asshole, that much I knew.

So I walked in the room
and there he sat
sat
sat
sat
I did not like it.
I did not like and that is that.

BUMP!

And then
Something went BUMP!
How that bump made me jump.

I looked!
I felt his hand on my rump!
I looked!
And I saw him!
It was the Beautiful B's hand on my ass.
And he said to me,
"Why do you torture me like that?"

"Fuck me you are wet
I want to touch you where the sun is not sunny
Let me tear off those panties, my how these are yummy."

"I know some good games we could play, "
He said in a whisper.
"I know some new tricks
A lot of good tricks.
I will show them to you
And Ms. Swan
You will not mind at all if I do."

Then with the smoothness
of a blues and jazz singer
He reached down under
and inserted a finger.

But the voice in my head said, "No! No!"
Make that Beautiful Bastard go away!
Tell that Beautiful Bastard
You do NOT want to play.
He should not be here.
He is immoral and corrupt!
He should not be here
Tell him to get fucked!

"Now! Now! Have no fear.
Have no fear!" Said my boss.
"My tricks are not bad,"
And he ripped open my blouse disregarding all costs.
"Why, we can have
lots of good fun, even a blast!
With a game that I call
Get-up-up against that glass."

"What are you doing?" I asked
"This just isn't right!
Put me down Mr. Cullen!"
"Oh Ms. Swan you're so tight!"

"You are such a tease!" Said the Beautiful B.
"I will not let you go
I will fuck you so hard
and won't stop until I blow.
I'll split you in two.
Ms. Swan just wait and see!
But that is not ALL I can do!"
said the Beautiful B...

"Look at you!!
Look at you now!" said the Beautiful B.
"With you pressed against glass!
Look at your legs!
Fuck! Look at your ass!
And look!
I will fuck you so silly!
But that's not all,
Oh no.
That is not all..."

"Look at you!
Look at me!
Look at us NOW!
It is fun to have fun.
But you have to know how.
I can hold onto your ass.
And rip off your lace!
I can pound you hard!
I like to see the look on your face!
I can fuck you silly!
Look how wet you’ve become!
And look! With my cock!
I can make you cum!
I can fuck with my cock!
While you fondle my balls!
But that is not all.
Oh no.
That is not all….”

That is what the beautiful B said
Before I bent down to give him head!
He came hard in my mouth.
And I looked up at him from below
I shrugged, after all
Getting him off was quid pro quo.

Off home we both went
I was pissed I was hot!
I asked, “Do I like this?
Oh no! I do not.
This is not a good game,”
I said as I lit.
“No I do not like it,
Not one little bit!”

“Now look what you did!”
I told Beautiful B the next day.
“Look at my panties!
You destroyed them, you will pay!
You will pay for my clothes
That you destroyed last night.
You will pay for what you did
You will pay, oh that’s right!
I SHOULD NOT be here
This isn’t good, I’m not a whore!
You get out of my life!’
I yelled as I slammed the door.

“But I like you right here.
Oh I like it a lot.”
Said the Beautiful B
As he kissed me, so hot.
“I will NOT go away.
I do NOT wish to go!
And so,” Said the Beautiful B,
“So so so….
I will show you another good game that I know!”

And then he ripped them.
As fast as a fox.
He ripped of f my panties
And fingered my box.
But that wasn’t enough
I needed more than his hand
“I want your mouth on me.”
I said, and he obeyed my command.

With my heel on his shoulder
He licked at my bean
“I will call this game Fun-In-A-Box,”
Said the Beautiful B.
“In this box is one thing
I will show you now.
You will like this thing.”
Said Beautiful B with a bow.

"I will suck on your clit.
You will be unable to fathom
This thing you will feel
Is called an orgasm.
This thing will not bite you.
It really is fun!:
Then out of his pants
Came ball two and ball one.
And he rammed his cock in me,
He said, “How do you do?”
Flapping against my ass
Was ball one and ball two.

And silly me
Did not know what to do.
So I did what he said
I fucked him hard too.
I let him fuck me!
“Jesusfuckchrist!’
I let him fuck me, “No! No!”
This man should not affect me
So strongly! Please let me go!

“I should not be here!
Even though you are so hot!
Get out!
Get out!
I don’t want to get caught!”

“Have no fear little girl,”
Said the Beautiful B.
“These things are good things.
You are hot. Oh, so hot!
You are such a cock tease.
Come here, spread your legs
I will make you come with ease.”

“Now here is a game you will like,”
I said to the B.
“I will show you my ass
In the lift, you will see!

“No! That’s not fair!
You are such a cock tease
I will cover this camera before anyone see’s
Oh, the things I will hump!
Oh, your ass I will hit!
Oh, and you will like it!
You hot little bitch.”

Then the Beautiful B
Hit the button on the wall
And the elevator
Came to a stall.
Bump!
Thump!
Thump!
Bump!
My body went as he pushed me into the wall.

Finger one Finger two
They went in they went out
In the slick wet of my center
I wanted to shout!
With his cock hot my back
I was putty where I stood
I was so close to coming
He hand fucked me so good.

His fingers went in and went out
With big bumps, jumps and kicks
And with hops and big thumps
And all kinds of bad tricks
And I said,
“I do NOT like the way we play!
If you father were to see this,
Oh, what would he say!”

Then the phone rang, “Ring Ring!”
And Beautiful B jumped with fear.
“Yes the elevator stalled!
We are quite fine in here.”
“Oh what will he do to us?
What will he say?
Oh your dad would not like it
To find us this way.”

“So get dressed fast.”
Said the Beautiful B
This is our floor.
Our floor
Our floor don’t you see.
So he picked up my panties
Up off of the floor with haste
He held them to his nose
And said, “You smell as good as you taste.”

On my way back from a meeting
I discovered a store
So I stopped and decided
To go through the door.
I was in La Perla
Where she bought all her panties
All the lace and ribbons
Was making me antsy.

“See something you like?”
She said very vexing
I felt my cock twitch,
She was so fucking sexy.
“Come with me” She said and pulled me into a room
We were all alone
I knew I was doomed.

She took off her shirt
It fell to the floor with a plop
And I had them! At last!
Those two breasts!
I can’t stop!
Then I said to Ms. Swan
“Now you do as I say.
Look at yourself in the mirror
Watch me fuck you this way.”

“Oh fuck!” said Ms.Swan
“Just shut up and fuck me…
Oh fuck Fuck me please!
Fuck me please!
Fuck me please!

The she shuddered around me
Her box quivered and spasmed
And I came insider her
Fuck me what an orgasm!
I picked up the clothes
Up off of the floor.
I straightened my tie I flung open the door.
And with all of my might
I tried to deny what I felt.
Right before I left I said, “Get the garter belt.”

And THEN!
I was back at my house
Why that Beautiful B
He has some kind of sexual hold on me!
I keep giving in
I have to stop letting go!
But he keeps showing me
These fucking tricks that he knows.

Then I fucked him at his parents
In the bathroom no less.
Then I fucked him in my car
Holy shit what a mess.
Then I fucked him in Seattle
On a chair on the roof
On the balcony, the hotel, the shower, it’s truth!
But here in Seattle
I discovered with glee
I loved Beautiful B
And I hope he loved me.

And then we came back to the Office
And his dad said to us two,
“Did you have any fun?
Tell me. What did you do?”

And B and I did not know
What to say.
Should we tell him?
The things that went on there? No way!
Should we tell him about it?
Now, what SHOULD we do?
Well…
What would YOU do
If daddy Carlisle asked YOU???

THE END

Burning Bush

2009-10-29T07:16:00.000-07:00

This week I had one of those moments that reminded me of how lucky I am to have you fellow Twihards in my life because the random Twilight related thought that popped into my head the other day was so odd I knew that only you ladies (and perhaps some of you gentlemen) would understand.

I'm sure all of you are like me in that you have developed the uncanny ability to relate anything and everything to Twilight regardless of the content. I like to think of it as a our own superpower...Twidey sense if you will. Anyway, I was in the shower and I was taking care of some landscaping...and I had a thought:

Is Bella a bald eagle?

The thing with Bella is that she is so admittedly low maintenance I kind of doubt that she would go the extra mile to keep it clean and smooth. I'm willing to bet she is a landing strip kinda girl. Or maybe she just keeps the grassy knoll trimmed - or maybe, just maybe she lets her muffin grow wild.

I shudder at the thought.

Then I started to wonder what Edward would prefer. He's an old fashioned kind of guy right? Does he like to keep it real? Or has he changed with the times and come to prefer his kitty clean shaven?

Then my line of thought went totally off the beaten path and I thought about how the only way Edward would know this sort of thing was if he watched porn...then I pondered for a bit if he actually watched porn....then I wondered if he masturbated....then I wondered if vampire's could masturbate....then I wondered if his vamp gravy sparkled (ultimate body glitter right...ok, you are so right, that was uncalled for)...then I managed to get back on track.

That's right...I was talking about bush.

So if Bella isn't a bald eagle, what about Alice, Rose and Esme? Now each of these ladies have a very specific problem when it comes to keeping their vaj spic and span. Once they were changed into vampires they lost the ability to change anything about their physical appearance. They can't cut the the hair on their heads...so it would be safe to assume that they are unable to cut the hair on their undercarriage.

With a gasp I realized; Alice, Rose and Esme were sporting 70's porn bush! When each of them were turned it was not in style to trim the hedges. Not to say it wasn't done at all, but most respectable ladies of their time would not have skinned the cat unless it was medically necessary...

Oh no...then there is poor poor Alice. If she was locked away in an asylum there is a damn good chance she never got to shave her pits or legs either. What a curse for a fashionista like Alice Cullen! Hairy legs, hairy pits, hairy bush...the unfairness! The tragedy! How does she manage to wear cute skirts?

Oh Alice, just not sexy...not sexy at all.

I then tried to recall a time in the books when she wore something skimpy...ahhh that's right, PROM. What did she do to hide her hairy pits? There has to be a way to remove unwanted hair - even for an indestructible vampire.

Then it came to me: FIRE

The only thing that can destroy a vampire is fire, right?

So what if they burned their unwanted hair off?

Sure it wouldn't be an exact science, and sure it might hurt a little, but I really think it could work. If bite wounds from other vampires can leave scars (if Jasper had scars then this would mean that he could be injured and his skin did not grow back or repair itself in any way), than surely removal by fire would result in a shortening of the hair without the threat of it growing back.

I'm a fucking genius!

Now someone quick tell Alice that if she has a pubic hair bonfire her troubles will be over!

That gives a whole new meaning to "It burns when I pee..." not to mention "Fire Crotch."

So I guess I found my answer. In the words of Blood Hound Gang..."We don't need no water let the mother fucker burn...burn mother fucker...burn!!!"

I love you ladies.

Don't Meme if I do...

2009-10-25T07:05:00.000-07:00

WOW!!! We got tagged by LKW and Mrs. Vanquish! We feel lurrrrrrved! Ok here's the gist:

So here's the deal: STY and I came up with a couple of questions for all you bloggers. If you're tagged, answer the questions and tag four other blogs. Don't forget to link back to the blog that tagged you! Let's see how many blogs we can get to participate and hopefully at the end of all this we'll know a lot more about each other. Believe it or not, we even made the questions 99% other-blog friendly! I don't think I said vagina or cock gobbling in a single question!

On your mark, get set, GO!!
1) What is the craziest/most stupid thing you've ever done (that you would be willing to share!)?
2) One my personal favorite games: Fuck, Marry, Kill. With the Twilight cast. I can't wait to read these! (Or "Eff, Marry, Kill" if you don't have my potty mouth.)**3) What is your favorite band/type of music?
4) What is your favorite movie besides Twilight?
5) Do you RL life family/friends know you’re addicted to Twilight? A blogger?
6) How many hours a week do you spend doing Twi related things? You know, blogging, looking at pictures of the cast, reading fan fiction, etc.
7) Any random fact you might want to share. Big or small, it doesn't matter. :

Ok, here goes nothin'...Stoney G. Pumpkin the 7 questions of death:

1) What is the craziest/most stupid thing you've ever done (that you would be willing to share!)?

Let's see most of it involves T-Nabs...so you might get some duplication in there when she answers. Here are a couple b/c seriously, having a rough time narrowing it down.

There was this night of midnight 4-Wheeling that T-Nabs and I decided it was a really kick-ass idea to go skinny dipping in the creek...yeah, I either dumped my clothes in a pile of poison ivy, or I squatted in a field of it to use the outside potty b/c I had it EVERYWHERE the next week and had to get steroid injections to get it to go away. (The following picture was taken BEFORE we left to go riding. Yeah, we were totally shit faced before we even left...kids, don't try this at home.)

The other stupid night...let's see...which one do I choose? The party bus, the night we went to see the midget stripper, the Halloween party where we had to scale a fence to get away from the cops and we left our penis cups only to be retrieved at a later date (amazing), all the nights at the gay bar...the Mardi Gras that we snuck a pony keg into the hotel in a duffel bag on the luggage cart...lets see...Oh yes! The Halloween party at Sparky's!

Oh my...

We were both single, me recently so, and we went to a Halloween party at a guys house we didn't know and there was a dildo getting passed around, and lots of making out, and the cops came, and I was dressed as Paul Jr. from Orange County Choppers, and we were drinking that fake legal Absinthe and passing it around to everyone, and there was a keg or two or three - ok...it was pretty wild. Shortly after that party I got mono...what the fuuuuuuck.

2) One my personal favorite games: Fuck, Marry, Kill. With the Twilight cast. I can't wait to read these! (Or "Eff, Marry, Kill" if you don't have my potty mouth.)**
Fark: Sir Sparkles-A-Lot himself - Edward...especially dirty Edward! Giggity Giggity!!!
Marry: JACOB - so I can have my way with him whenever I want.
Kill: Holy shiz balls...Jessica for sure. She reminds me of every stuck up snarky biatch in high school that I always had to hold myself back from knocking their block off.

3) What is your favorite band/type of music?
You would ask this question wouldn't you? I like everything. I know - what a lame answer...but seriously. Music is a huge part of my life, I can't live without it. I'm a gimongus TOOL fan. We followed them to five different states on their tour a few years back. I heart Maynard more than anything...I love classic rock and rock...I'm really digging more of an indie rock sound lately. Getting the most play on my ipod right now: Blitzen Trapper, Loney Dear, Seasick Steve, The Black Keys, Fleet Foxes, Santogold, Rosin Murphy...I will stop now.

4) What is your favorite movie besides Twilight?
Arrrg! Peeps, let's put it this way; I almost went to film school. Movies are huge in my book too. Absolute fav: Schindler's List (for content, artistry, film style) - I heart Zombies like nobodies biz and I just saw Zombieland - FUCKING AMAZING. I also heart Grandmas Boy - Sean of the Dead - The Fifth Element -Fried Green Tomatoes...I'm all over the place, I know.

5) Do you RL life family/friends know you’re addicted to Twilight? A blogger?
Yes and Yes. My master and commander - erm, I mean husband, is not a fan of me being a fan. He feels I spend entirely too much time on the computer blogging and such. But he can kiss my ass.

6) How many hours a week do you spend doing Twi related things? You know, blogging, looking at pictures of the cast, reading fan fiction, etc.
Oh boy, probably about 15-20 hours per week - especially if you are including fan fiction.

7) Any random fact you might want to share. Big or small, it doesn't matter. :
Wait till you read T-Nab's answer to this...for me...let's see.
1. I'm a photographer. 2. I'm six feet tall (probably also why I like Jacob). 3. I have horses. 4. Mardi Gras is my Christmas. Seriously. St. Louis has one of the largest Mardi Gras celebrations in the US outside of Mobile and New Orleans and I go NUTS every year. We rent out several suites downtown - invite all of our friends - and do very stupid things like sneak into the Captain Morgan party Tent...muhahahaha.

Me @ Mardi Gras.

Thanks for listening to my rambles.

T-Nabs: The rundown:
Stupid Thing:
I have to say ditto to everything Stoney said and then add one more. We were on a 4-wheeling trip and I was splitting a fifth of SoCo straight from the bottle with no training wheels (chasers) with one of the girls - we had that shit done in less than an hour. We then moved onto some lighter stuff like Root Beer Schnapps and Watermelon pucker (yeah, a couple of the guys brought some real prissy pussy with them on that trip...) Mr. T-Nabs and I lead everyone to the lake nearby for some late night skinny dipping......more alcohol was consumed.....and when we were all settled around the campfire......that is when it happened......I was sitting on Mr. T's lap donning only a small blanket...(in my completely drunken stupor I simply couldn't remember where my clothes were let alone figure out how to dress myself)...So, I may have accidentally done the dirty with him with 5 of my best guy friends and their prissy pussy girls sitting around. At the time I thought I was being real stealthy.....the true embarrassment didn't occur until the next morning (ok afternoon) when sobriety hit me like a mack truck. I peeked my head up out of the bed of the truck that I had passed out in that night...my stomach didn't agree with my body's new semi-vertical state so I quickly launched my top half over the side of the truck and emptied my body of what seemed like all of the alcohol I had consumed the night prior! It wasn't until one of the boys walked up and whispered in my ear that I was going to give everyone a better show this morning than the soft core they got the night before that I realized I was still completely naked and hanging over the side of a truck.
Stealthy my ass......they all knew........and still haven't let me live it down!!!!!

My witnesses...those asses.

Fuck - Marry - Kill:
Fuck.....I'm going to go out on a limb here since we are already playing in fantasy land and say that I'll take a 5 way feast of vampsicle with Carlisle, Emmet, Jasper and Edward! Oh yeah, I just went there!
Kill....who other than Bella would I even contemplate getting rid of?
As for marry....I find myself having a serious crush on Jasper, he reminds me most of my hubby...ya know, all rough around the edges but a total teddy bear underneath. Seriously though, I could never do that to Alice.....unless, of course, she wanted to share and in that case I would totally go Bi for Alice! That really just leaves me with Edward, and even though he is a bit of a whiny pansy in the books (my horrifying conclusion after reading naughty Edward fanfiction) I'd still let him butter my muffin.

Favorite Band:
Hands down almost dead tie between Chili Peppers and Incubus....I'm really beginning to like a bunch of the new bands and sounds that have come out recently, but I will always be in love with my 90's bands! STP, Pearl Jam, Nirvana, Candle Box, Green Day, Tool, Beastie Boys, Presidents, Our Lady peace, Counting Crows.....I could really go on forever....Such a good decade for music!

Movie:
Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken.....Ya know the one with the girl that jumps the horse of the platform into the pool! Saw it as little girl and still love it to this day! (Note from SGP: Love this one too. Have you seen the chick who plays Senora Webster lately? She is on Burn Notice...holy fuck, she looks like a piece of beef jerky with hair.)

Have I been exposed?
My family other than my husband really have no idea about my obsession....I think they are beginning to realize a bit, but don't really care! My friends however are constantly teasing me about how every convo turns into something Twi related! Most know that Stoney and I have started a blog, but I have yet to give out the actual name to anyone.....I don't know if I am ready for that kind of exposure.

Time spent on Twilight:
I really haven't calculated the exact time I spend on this stuff a week.....Shit, I really don't want to know. I will say that I have made a rule for myself that I can't get on my computer unless one of my children is napping or asleep! I used to go to bed around 10 so that when my youngest woke up at the crack of dawn I was rested.....that rule flew out the window once I found Fan Fic. Now I am usually up to at least one in the morning reading. That alone adds ate least 10 hours to my total!

Hhhhhmmmm a random fact........let me see.........Oh …....Stoney and I actually have a mating dance that involves using hands while wiggling fingers (think spirit fingers coming off your head and ass) as crown and tail feathers while simultaneously wiggling body while prancing and rolling the tongue for acoustic effect......then just as we are about to meet I pounce on her and wrap myself around her body while making a high pitched Caaaawwwww.....Caaaawwwwwwww!!! I shit you not people we actually do this in public....and it has been know to happen without the influence of alcohol! When we say that we don' t really give a flying fuck about what people think about us as long as we are having fun we mean it!!!

And we shall tag...
Under My Edbrella
Twisessed

Everyone else I wanted to tag is already tagged...thats a good thing!

Power Panties...a Quest.

2009-10-22T07:41:00.000-07:00

A while back we wrote a blog about our fanfiction addiction in which we made a plea to all of you to give us some recommendations for more dirty Edward.

One of the gems you came up with was "The Office" by tby789

Holy mother of inappropriate office sex - you girls came through for us! I have to admit that I copied this one to a flash drive and brought it with me to work to read, and I spent many hours looking over my shoulder blushing – praying that no one was standing beside me reading the dirty dirty things going on between Ms. Swan and Mr. Cullen.

When I got the end I immediately texted T-Nabs:

SGP: Power Panties. That’s all I gotta say.

T-Nabs: I take it you finished The Office?

SGP: Oh yes. And WTF- it isn’t finished. I almost fucking kicked a puppy I was so pissed.

T-Nabs: Yeah that sucked…I know.

SGP: I need some Power Panties.

T-Nabs: I was thinking the same thing last week.

SGP: What constitutes a PP?

T-Nabs: Lace, ruffles, crotchless.

SGP: Crotchless? That makes me feel uncomfortable just thinking about it.

T-Nabs: You know you want some.

SGP: So you wanna?

T-Nabs: Go shopping for PP’s?

SGP: Hell yeah!

T-Nabs: I’m so in.

So began our hunt for power panties.

We had it all planned out.

It’s been raining in St. Louis for what feels like a month straight and our kids are starting to act like wild badgers that have been fed a pound of sugar and poked with sticks - so we thought this would be a perfect opportunity to leave them with Mr. T-Nabs for some indoor energy expending activities while we had a munchkin free girl’s day of PP shopping.

Dear god get us out of the effing house...

Of course nothing ever goes as planned.

On the morning of our planned PP adventure, one of T-Nabs kids puked all over herself so Idecided to leave mini-SGP with the in-laws because I was not too eager for her to bring home the funk. I gave mini-SGP her required kisses and hugs before dashing out the door super excited to go hunting for my very own PP's. I reached for the car door and pulled - locked. SHIT! Locked with the keys sitting in the middle console. Not really sure how that happened, something tells me mini-SGP was playing with the power locks again. Irritation beginning to bubble just under the surface, I stomped back into the house, grabbed the keys to my father-in-law's truck and drove up to Mr. SGPs work to get my spare. Why is it when you are excited about something the world always seems to be working against you?

An hour later than we planned, I finally arrived at T-Nab’s house and we were off to the only place we could think that would be sure to have power panties; the mall.

Our first stop was Hot Topic. Not so much for the power panties but for the New Moon Merch that was calling out to us like a siren from the display that was spilling out into the main hallway. We oogled over the Team Jacob and Team Edward paraphernalia and then nearly had mini TruBlood induced heart attacks when we saw they had Merlotte’s t-shirts.

"It will be mine, oh yes, it will be mine."

Then we saw them... Power Panties.

Well, maybe not PP's exactly, but corsets with matching power-ish panties…close enough for us. T-Nabs grabbed one her size and asked the adorably sweet Hot Topic kid who was obviously smitten by her, to open a dressing room. Mr. Hot Topic dilly dallied by chatting us up and showing us pictures of himself on his phone dressed in a Zombie costume for Halloween as we attempted to slyly make our way to the dressing room without him noticing we also had a camera and a few other props in tow. Let me just say that sly is not a word you would normally use to describe us. We are loud, constantly laughing, and we tend to draw attention no matter where we are. Something told me that this whole sneaking around taking pictures process was going to be more difficult than we originally planned.

We finally lost Mr. Hot Topic long enough to snap a quickie for you:

T-Nabs is wearing the latest in the Hot Topic Power Panty collection....

Next we moved onto the once place you can easily find power panties at a mall in the mid-west:

We not only found an amazing assortment of pp’s here but also an awesome selection of Halloween costumes. While T-Nabs sifted through the costumes I pulled panties off the racks and showed them off to her asking for her opinion as to whether or not they fit PP criteria.

After much snickering and chatting up of the adorable salesgirl in a really lame attempt to keep suspicions that we were anything but serious about our possible purchases at bay... T-Nabs headed off to the dressing room, panties in tow, and camera tucked inconspicuously in her back pocket. I tried to talk loudly so that the one clerk in the empty store wouldn’t notice or hear the click-flash of the camera mixed with our giggles and constant stream of inappropriate conversation.

T-Nabs: Sorry this is taking me so long. I am having a hard time getting my clothes back on.

SGP: It’s ok, I know you forgot your helmet today.

T-Nabs: It’s these damn shoes. I forgot my velcro ones so it's taking me a while to figure them out.

SGP: (trying to contain snort's of laughter) Holy shit, I’m writing that down. That’s fucking funny.

While I’m sure we can all agree that T-Nab’s looks irritatingly hot in her PP’s (can you believe this MILF has three kids! WTF I got beat with the chunky stick after I had my ONE kid...fuck genetics, seriously) these panties were more on the expensive side ranging from $20-$45 per pair. Not really ready or willing to drop that kind of cash (we were hoping for $10 and under...it's all about the Hamiltons baby) on underwear we were hoping to have ripped off of us in a moment of passion, we moved on.

We wandered around the mall for a bit longer stopping in places like Victoria's Secret (they are like ninja's in this store - there was no getting past these biatches to take pictures of us modeling PP's) - Forever 21 - DEB's....etc, but didn't find anything worth photographing or purchasing. We did stumble upon a bin-'o-panties and I felt like a pirate digging through an amazing array of lacy booty:

"Arrrg"

Sad that we were unsucessful thus far in our PP hunt, we left the mall and headed off to a store we were sure could provide power panties for the girl on a budget.

Yes, this is more like it!

Sure, they aren't super exotic or crotchles but they are lacy, pretty, and are sure to make a girl feel sexy.

And best of all if they get destroyed in the heat of the moment you are only out $4!

So we picked out some PP’s to take home and as we left the store happy that we now had our very own power panties – and some bills left in the wallet (Taco Bell anyone?) – we were faced with one last challenge. . .

How the FUCK were we going to get our husbands to rip these off of us in the heat of a softcore-dom/sub moment?

We’ll let you know how that goes.

As you can see, I am keeping guard at the door...

THE END...literally.

I love you all like Bella loves to fall on her ass.
SGP

Twilight Showdown at Work

2009-10-13T12:07:00.000-07:00

So yesterday we had a Twilight showdown at my work.

I work in animal medicine and the fall/winter season is typically our slow season. So what do we do to fill the super slow mo mind numbing hours? Fight about Twilight of course!

So I have been successful in converting about half of my staff into Twilight fans. None of them have developed TwiFever – as I like to call it – but they have a healthy respect for the story and they don’t run away from me screaming when I start on a rampage of Twilight proportions. Well most of them don’t anyway…I do have one nemesis…her name is Jodie.

Jodie is not a fan to say the least. In fact she is not a fan of anything vampire related. Whenever topic of conversation turns to Twilight – which it often does in my presence – she hightails it to a Twilight free area of the hospital.
Yesterday we were all standing around talking and one of my co-workers happened to mention that she just rented the first season of TruBlood.

I wasn’t even in the same room but my super vampire radar perked instantly and I shot around the corner on my wheelie doctor’s chair.

Side Note: My lazy ass could totally go Nitro Circus on my wheelie chair…pretty sure I could pull some wicked backflips…look out Travis Pastrana.

And boy do I love me some Travis Pastrana...

“What about TruBlood?” I ask trying to sound cool and collected. Inside I am super stoked that someone wants to talk about Twi/Blood and I wasn’t even the one to instigate the conversation.

At this point Jodie gave me the “Oh fuck, you are not seriously going to start talking about vampires are you?” look.

I just smiled at her and said, “What? At least it’s not Twilight.”

She rolled her eyes and said, “Let me just show you in a diagram how I feel about Twilight and TruBlood.” She casually walked over to our dry erase board with me wheeling hot on her heels.

She grabbed a blue marker and wrote: “Twilight TrueBlood = Vampire BS” Then circled the ‘T’ in Twilight and the ‘T’ in TruBlood and told me that this was the correlation that made the two retarded.

Unable to resist retaliation for such a burn, I hit her where it hurts…in her Elvis obsession.

You see, Jodie is a HUGE Elvis fan. By huge I mean she collects all things Elvis, she has an Elvis tattoo, she was married in the chapel at Graceland and had her reception at the Hard Rock Café on Beal Street in Memphis. She is the Elvis version of a Twitard.

What would that be? An E-Tard?
Man Elvis sure was hot in his day...Anyway..

I quickly grabbed my own weapon of choice – another blue marker – and wrote “Elvis = Ghey” which she promptly tried to scribble out. Her hasty move to erase my defiling of Elvis told me that she was cracking under my attack and it made me happy.

She grabbed her marker and pushed me and my wheelie chair away and circled “Twilight TruBlood = Vampire BS” and added “Insane”.

“See. These two things, make all of you whore’s INSANE!” (this declaration spawned an entire conversation of how it should actually be unsane or disane instead of insane…and made us all start laughing until we were crying accusing each other of disanity).

Then – completely unrelated to anything we were talking about she wrote “Glee = AMAZING” to which I added “I agree.” I had to agree, Glee is fucking amazing. If you peeps aren’t watching it you totally should.

Anyway…back to the board of “disanity” I couldn't help but poke her Elvis wound again (Really, it's all I've got. The girl is pregnant right now so I don't want to play too dirty) and added “Vulva” under Elvis.

“Elvis is nothing but a big sparkly vulva.”

“No, no, no... he LOVE’s vulva.” Jodie corrected me drawing a heart between “Elvis” and “Vulva”.

“And you know what else! This guy” - and she leaned over to write “Robert Pattinson” on the board – “wouldn’t be anything if it weren’t for THIS guy!” - she drew a line connecting Elvis and RPatz.

I really couldn’t argue a whole lot on that point. It was very true that Elvis paved the way for most sex symbols in Hollywood, but I did save face by telling her that Elvis was a tool – and I drew a line from Elvis to my lame attempt at drawing a shovel which ended up looking more like Frylock from Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

Frylock or shovel...you decide.

“Oh!” Jodie declared in a voice that made me pretty sure I was in trouble. “So if you think Elvis is a tool – then you also are admitting that you think this douche (she dotted angrily under “Robert Pattinson”) is a tool because they are CONNECTED!”

Ouch…burn.

“He may be a tool – but he can hammer his nail in me anytime!” I yelled back.

Suddenly we felt someone wrench between us and grab a marker out of the holder on the wall.

“You two are such douchtards. THIS guy makes it all connected.” Our co-worker Katie wrote “JESUS” in heavy red marker above all of our scribbles.

We both looked at her in total silence.

“Jesus is connected to Twilight, TruBlood, Vampires, Elvis, and Robert Pattinson.” Katie said putting down the red marker with gusto.

“And Frylock shovel! Don’t forget Frylock shovel!” I pointed trying not to laugh.

“See, I know everything. I’m practically God.” Katie announced heading back to her seat, confident she has ended the Twilight/Elvis/Vulva/Frylock shovel/unsane-disane/argument with one taboo squeak of dry erase marker.

“Explain to me how EXACTLY Jesus is connected to vampires?” Jodie asked staring at the board curiously.

“I think Vampires are the ones who killed Jesus.” Katie answered with a straight face.

“Is this your own personal hypothesis? I thought the Jews killed Jesus.”

“Nope Vampires.” She answered quickly with a tone of finality.

There were a few seconds of silence and then Jodie and I looked at each other and with one swift, synchronized movement we chucked our markers at Katie.

So people, there you have it. The Board of Disanity!

Lesson Learned: Even if you have TwiHaters in your workplace, you can often find common ground . In our case, someone more ridiculous than either of us to play dry-erase dodge ball with.

I love you all more than moss loves the trees in Forks.
SGP

Renesmee: The Good, The Bad, the Fugly

2009-10-07T07:31:00.000-07:00

So I hate to do this, but I think that I might have to.......RENESMEE....RENESMEE.......RENESMEE!!!

I thought a bit of desensitization may have been in order!

It seems that everything ever said about Renesmee is completely negative. Her very existence in our vampire world upsets many Twihards to the core! I have declared myself to be Team Switzerland from the very beginning of my Twilight days. My neutrality extends beyond the confines of Edward and Jacob and stakes its way into any Twi-argument I become a part of.

Actually, I am Switzerland every moment of my life....just ask anyone who has ever asked me to pick a restaurant for dinner!!! [Note from SGP: Um...she speaks truth. Just today I sent her a text that said, "Has Team Switzerland decided whether or not they are going to the pumpkin patch today?"]

For today's sake I am just going to take the role of Team Renesmee...I know....I know...but I feel it necessary to explore a bit!

OK....So, most of the things that are complained about in Breaking Dawn are spawned directly from Renesmee in some way either it be her conception, her birth, or the pussy “fight” with the Volturi!

I'm not afraid to admit that my first time through BD, she really didn't bother me all that much!

I was actually really happy for them that they had a child together. I imagined how beautiful she was, and truly felt how whole it made them feel. It honestly wasn't until after I had read the whole thing that I went, “WTF Meyer, what a freaggin cop out, you gave everyone exactly what they wanted, and made no sacrifices what-so-ever!” Then I remembered that the series was written for TEENAGERS by a woman of a very conservative background! Although I yearned for more; deep down I knew that it was wrong to ever expect it! (Thank you Jacob's Nessie loving Wolf Stick for the wonderful world of Fan Fiction).

Now, imprinting seems to be one of the biggest arguments out there. Jacob and Quil both imprint on children. First knee jerk reaction is always EEEWWWW, but is it really that bad? (I'm going to go ahead and put out a warning that I am going to leave the safe world of sarcasm and mockery for just a bit to make a serious point here, sorry, bare with me, but I can't seem to help myself)

Soul Mate....what powerful meaning those simple words have to us all. Don't we desire above all to be with our soul's perfect match. Some beliefs tell us that the soul travels through many lifetimes on this planet in different bodies. In those lifetimes the soul feels what the consciousness does not remember, and finds a way back to those it has loved throughout time. Our souls find old friends and lovers. We all meet people that we are instantly attracted to and go, “I feel like I've known you forever” in this sense it is likely that maybe you have. I digress, back to my point.....to me it almost seems so incredibly romantic (can't think of a less corny word here) that even though their bodies physical age didn't line up, SM found a way for Jacob and Quil to find their one true match.

HHHhhmmmmmm, I just had a thought, what if Edward had somehow come across Bella as a child. Doesn't a rose at any age smell as sweet? What would he do? Surely he wouldn't drink her, but he would remain obsessed. He may stalk her, protect her, maybe even love her? Would we have been ok with that? I really don't know.

It seems that this is way too broad of a topic to rightfully argue in such a format. In an effort to not bore any of you to tears I am going to end on this......I may not fully agree with the way the series ended. I may think that Miss Meyer should have grown a pair and thrown us an effing bone. I may love my Naughty Edward, but I also LOVE Twilight! Reading the series and all that has followed has changed my life! I will forever be thankful to Stephanie Meyer for giving us all such a gift! I may say that I wanted more from the books, but honestly, it is their innocence that makes them so amazing and unique!

Nessie says, "You haters can suck it!"
Thanks to our own Nameless Wonder for designing this!!! U roxors my boxors.

Love you all.........T-Nabs!

My TURN!!! MY TURN!!!
Ok T-Nabs. You said your peace and holy shizzle it was awesome. I have to admit I’m going to have a rough time following that eloquent piece of bloggy persuasion. If I were any less of a badass I would probably jump ship right now and say, “Fuck it. That half breed can stay.” But lucky for you all, I am a badass motha that has a pretty strong opinion when it comes to the Loch Ness monster.

I will start by saying that I agree with T-Nabs in regards to the storyline and where SM was taking it. It is quite obvious that “You Know Who” was the Prozac that made everyone oh so Leave-it-to-Fucking-Beaver happy by the end of Breaking Dawn.

Edward and Bella got to experience parenthood against all odds, Rosalie got a shot at being a surrogate mommy, bi-polar Edward was OK with turning Bella into a vampire because this time it was for a good cause, Jacob got his pseudo Bella, and all the other characters had rainbows and fairy dust shooting out of their asses at the mere sight of Little Miss Thatsjustwrong.

Me likey.

And no, I’m not a total twat face, I get the whole soul mate argument and blah blah blah…but FUUUUUUCK me! That tiny creeper in a onesie stole Breaking Dawn from me and I’m fucking pissed off about it.

So why is it that I hate an innocent half-human baby-lady so much? No, it’s not because she is the byproduct of Bella and Edwards gunshot-to-the-head worthy disappointment of a gravy swap in Breaking Dawn, nor is my irritation based solely on her fucking ridiculous mish-mash of a name, in all honesty it has more to do with the horrible injustice that she brings upon my fuzzy muscle muffin – Jacob.

I really don't want my Jacob on one of these Sex Offender sites...

As you may have noticed at this point that I am 100% Team Jacob. I know the vast majority of you ladies are on Team Sparkles-A-Lot and I really can’t blame you. I openly admit to have dabbled with Team Switzerland myself, especially in the beginning. Although, by the time I finished New Moon I found myself dipping my toe into the dangerous waters of Team Jacob, mostly because he was tall – dark – and on a motorcycle.

Holy fuck nuts... do I have a mad weakness for guys on motorcycles.

So there I was, experimenting with Jacob but still playing for Team E, when I read the scene in Eclipse when Jacob showed up at Forks High School and he and Edward had a mini-face off in the parking lot. The description of Jacob leaning against his Harley, powerful arms folded across his chest…humina, humina…I’m drooling at the mere thought. I remember setting the book down and having a Twilight mind-fuck of a dilemma.
Edward or Jacob? It came down to 1: A sexy tortured pretty boy who sparkles and drives a shiny Volvo; or 2: A tall dark bad boy on a motorcycle.

You bet your sweet underage fictional character loving asses I picked the sexy wolf.

It was this new found love for Jacob that really pushed me over the edge when Renesme came into the picture.

When I picked up on the fact that Bella was preggo in BD I seriously considered throwing my book across the room. I stared at the pages, not really seeing the words, and tried not to hyperventilate. Even if the foreshadowing had been even a bit more on the clever side I still would have picked up where that baby train was headed; straight for my Jacob.

Does this only disturb me? Seriously...wtf???

So then I am to forced to get through chapter after chapter of Bella almost dying and luuuuurving it because it is all in the name of her devil baby....all so her spawn could chew its way out of her fleshy baby pouch so that it could use it’s magic on Jacob to make him worship her. Even though I knew it was coming I still couldn’t hold back the vomit when Jacob imprinted on the creepy baby with teeth.

Fucking sketchy SM…seriously fucking sketchy.

Jacob Black has now been reduced to Creeper Mc Creeperson

I can’t tell you how desperately I wanted Jacob to have a hot and heavy relationship. He deserves some love damnit! Now he has to spend the next five or six years babysitting and changing diapers. That seems so fucking unfair I can’t even tell you. Bella was such a cock tease for so long and now he has to wait even longer for a hybrid baby to grow up into his perfect mate, all the while watching his former love interest – who will eventually be his mother in law – getting it on all night with her new husband. EW Ew Ew, so not cool.

So, that is about it. I do not hate the fact that NessDizzle exists…I don’t hate her presence in the book, I just can’t STAND the fact that Jacob didn’t even have a chance. He was fucked from the beginning.

I'm a sexy hormonal teenager and you are going to hook me up with an infant? Seriously lame.

Nessie, I’m cool with you being around. Your full set of teeth and your messy exodus from your mommy’s uterus kind of makes me vom in my mouth a little, but I know you can’t help who and what you are. It isn’t your fault that mommy and daddy didn’t put a raincoat on. But please for the love of all things Holy…lay off Jacob.

He needs a real woman to show him around...after he turn's 18 of course.

Fuck to the Yeah!!!
- SGP

My friend the TwiHater

2009-10-02T22:30:00.000-07:00

This is my friend Mike, and he is a TwiHater.

(hehe...I had to find the most embarassing photo, of course.)

Now, before you rabid biatches immediately prepare to deliver him a swift kick in his apples, let me explain a little about him. He and I share many common interests, music and movies and beer-no-one-else- has- ever- heard- of being on top of the “Holy fuck I LOVE that too!” list.

Normally we agree on everything and tend to have in-depth, admittedly nerd worthy, discussions about the aforementioned topics (intoxication is generally the common variable during said discussions). So, back to my point, Mike is not a numb nuts. He is actually a pretty smart dude (*gasp* I know).

Now, an important factoid about Stoney is that after I have a few drinks in me I can’t shut up…about anything. So the half of me that normally stays safely tucked in my little Twilight closet hiding the truth of my demented obsession from the rest of the public, suddenly bursts into the room wearing nothing but a helmet and dancing to “All the Single Ladies”.

No joke. I’m a like a super duper Twilight beacon of dork after a few shots.

So, one particularly awesome night at the bar. . .

And after one or two of these.....
(My name is SGP and I have an Irish Car Bomb addiction...)

And maybe more than just a few of these:

At which point I started to look a little bit like this.

The Twitard in me came out full force.

Mike, not being able to resist an opportunity to make fun of me relentlessly (and really who can blame him, I mean come on) immediately started poking at my Twilight button. He starts off the conversation like this: “I have a bone to pick with you.”

And let me just tell you Mike is a pretty big guy and when you are wasted and not really sure what the hell is going on, and this big 6’3” guy comes at you with a finger in your face yelling, “I have a bone to pick with you.” you simultaneously consider either pooping your pants, crawling into the fetal position and crying, or smashing the nearest beer bottle over his head and running like the pansy that you are.

Of course on this night I did none of those things and instead leaned against the nearest table so that I wouldn’t tip over and slurred, “What bone?”

The triumphant grin on his face should have been enough to shut me up. But noooooooo, I felt the need to make an ass of myself.

“So I watched your little Twilight movie the other night.”

My eyes got really wide and I stared at him like he just told me he was God and he was going to suddenly make me 50 pounds thinner and make Robert Pattinson appear in my bed later that night. My eyes drift to his girlfriend Shelley who is nodding emphatically and looking very proud of herself. Now I have to admit, if I were her, I’d be pretty fucking proud of myself too.

So, I give him a sideways grin and said, “And….?”

“And those fucking cheesy ass non-vampires are the stupidest fucking things I’ve ever seen in my fucking life. No fangs? Out in the daylight? Sparkling? THEY FUCKING SPARKLE!!! What the fuck Stoney! Fuck me!”

Uuughhhh….his words were like a punch to the gut, an uppercut to the nuts, the burniest of burns. I stood and stared at him slack jawed, not able to find words with the voice in my head screaming at me like a deranged hyena:

Jump him! Kick his shins! Tell him he is a fucking fucktard! Tell him he will never be as cool as Maynard from Tool no matter how hard he tries, tell him they are real vampires and that he is the moron, tell him that he is just jealous that he doesn’t sparkle, tell him Rob Pattinson’s pinky toe is bigger than his dick, tell him that Twilight vampires are too cool for pussy little fangs, tell him that no vampire story could ever live up to Twilight ever….

But no, I couldn’t talk. I was silent, and he just started cracking up.

“See, you can’t even argue with me. They aren’t real vampires!”

“Y-y-yes they are. They are the real vampires and yours are the fake ones that are loosely based on mine.” Yeah I actually said that. I sounded like a dumbass. My argument was so weak even I didn’t even believe me. Where the hell were my witty comebacks? Where was my biting sarcasm? I was about to blame my momentary lapse of intelligence and debate ability on my current blood alcohol level and instead started chugging my Blue Moon trying to buy myself some more time when I realized that the real reason I couldn’t come up with a good argument was because I didn’t have one.

In a matter of seconds I had come to realize that somewhere deep inside I agreed with Mike. I found the sparkling, daywalking, non fanged Twilight vampires slightly less ‘real’ than the traditional lusty, fanged vampires.

Now before you stone me alive - hear me out.

I began to ponder my predicament. If I found the Twilight vamps slightly watered down when compared to other vamps, what was it that was keeping me eating, drinking, sleeping, fanfic writing, blogging, spoofing, and talking Twilight 24/7?

As I lowered my gigantic frosty glass mug full of delicious nectar from the Gods... it came to me.

It was the way it made me feel.
It was the characters and how they struck a chord with me. It was the way Edward made me tingle, and the devastation I felt when he left Bella in New Moon. It was the moment I realized I was Team Jacob, and the fanfic that soon followed. It was the way it made me remember what it was like to be in love for the first time. It was the people I was meeting through blogs and the friends I was reconnecting with through our love of Twilight. It was a lot more than just the vampires.

It was so. much. more.

I wanted to turn to Mike and spew this magical epiphany full force at his smug face but I decided against it. If he couldn’t understand why I loved my Twivamps even if they weren’t blood thirsty fanged slutty monsters, he wasn’t going to even begin to comprehend the truth of the matter.

So I took the high road….kind of.

“OK Mike. Suuuuuuuure they are crappy sucktastic vampires. They aren’t real, you are soooo right. You are the one with the PhD in Vampire mythology, my fucking mistake I should have never doubted your judgement..*pause for effect* So, now that we have that cleared up answer me this…if my Twilight vampires are so high on the lame-o-meter, why is it that your girlfriend is thinking about Edward every time she is humping you…hmmmm?”

He of course looks over at Shelley and bless her Twilight loving heart she flashes him a sheepish smile and shrugs.

OH SNAP!!!!!!

S to the GP: 1 - TwiHater's: 0

Has anyone seen my Edward?

2009-10-01T14:41:00.000-07:00

What is a girl to do after she has read the entire Twilight series cover to cover?

Do you start picking out your favorite scenes, and re-reading them to get your fix?

The meadow, the first night Edward stayed over, the "almost Jacob kiss", the reunion in Volterra, the first night in Edwards new bed, the proposal......the list goes on but, I assure you my friends, it does end. So what's a girl to do?

Ahhh......enter the wonderful world of Fan-Fiction.

I first learned about this amazing new fantasy land from Miss SGP. When I initially came out of the twicloset to her and told her of my dilemma she countered by telling me that she was already a couple hundred pages deep in her very own fan-fiction that depicts Jacob "Post Dawn". She didn't much care for the way his story ended and gave it a big twist. She wouldn't - and still to this day hasn't let me read the damn thing - and in an attempt to keep my attentions otherwise preoccupied she encouraged me to read "Wide Awake". I eventually gave in, after all I was really dying to figure out what this reference to Unicorns was all about...

Holy Shiitake mushrooms...there should be a warning label....

Let me set the scene for you...I had no clue what I was in for and proceeded to read "Wide Awake" while my husband and his best friend were sitting on the couch next to me watching a movie. My husband caught me shifting uncomfortably and blushing so I quickly erased my internet memory, and turned off my computer. That night, once he fell asleep, I stayed up with my computer until the wee hours of morning finishing the story...alone. I soon realized that the embarrassment that would come from his teasing for the blushing incident was nothing compared to the dilemma I now was facing.

Suddenly my fantasy Edward was all sorts of mixed up.

My sweet, gentlemanly Edward was suddenly cursing, rude, and horny. I myself had developed a much more flagrant use of the F bomb in my daily vocabulary. I decided that I really only had one solution. I would have to re-read Twilight.....AGAIN! (I know, what a shame...right?)

I was so excited that I was going to see my "real" Edward *SQEE* ....but NO!

I found myself very pissed off because he was so fucking polite! I mean...fuck...why can't he just smack Bella's fucking ass or pull her hair...or SOMETHING.

So, I hastily skipped forward to the meadow scene fairly sure it was my one sure place to get my real Edward tinglies! Sure as shit....fucking "Wide Awake" Edward had fucking stolen them from me too! Holy hell.....I just wanted my obscene Edward the fuck back!

After this new revelation, I informed SGP of my newest problem. I told her that I was now addicted to naughty Edward.

I also told her that I had made up my mind about her fan-fiction story. She is currently on the fence about referencing Jacob's hard-on during a make-out scene......I am now completely convinced that she should make as many references to Jacob's undulating member, his hard salami, his man-sized manicotti, or his wolf stick as possible!

(Side Note from Stoney: I think she has me convinced...still pondering it. Although, a tall muscular guy like Jacob has got to be packing some heat...right? How could you NOT notice it during a heavy makeout session.)

Until I can read the fruits of that labor, (I am hoping I can convince her of chapter by chapter posts) I am asking you, my Twifriends, for suggestions on my next Twifix! Do you have any favorites that you believe just simply must be read? I willingly admit that I am now addicted and seeking help to find more!

Keep in mind, I like my Edward dirty.

Can I have one please? Just one I won't be greedy.

Love to my Twibitches!
T-Nab

This Week's: You Might be a Twilight Addict if...

2009-09-29T15:29:00.001-07:00

I know you have all thought about it. Don't even try to tell me you haven't.
The Edward through the window fantasy is the best.

How many Twilight Characters does it take to change a lightbulb?

2009-09-26T17:16:00.000-07:00

How many Twilight Characters Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Alice, already having seen the light bulb’s impending burnout will get on the internet and immediately begin perusing for the best light bulb available for overnight shipment.

Carlisle will struggle with the idea that it might be his fault that the light bulb is burning out and whether or not he should have put the light bulb there in the first place.

Emmett will wonder why the hell everyone is so worked up about a light bulb and consider smashing it just so everyone will stop talking about it.

Rosalie will comment snarkily about the current light bulbs performance and how she should be allowed to choose the new brand of light bulb based on wattage and longevity.

Edward will broodily argue that it is just a light bulb and everyone should just respect its decision to burnout and leave it at that – then he will disappear into the other room and write the light bulb a lullaby.

Bella will whine about whether or not the light bulb ever really loved her as much as she loved it.

Jasper will stare at the light bulb sending it calming emotions so that it won’t be afraid while it burns out.

Jacob will befriend the old light bulb and comfort it while it is being abandoned by its family – secretly he hopes that he will be able to take it home and use it as his own.

Esme will shake her head at all of her crazy family members and replace the light bulb with a new one she already had in the closet.

- I heart your faces!
SGP

Leave Robsten Alone!!!!

2009-09-24T18:25:00.000-07:00

So...you know we had to put our two or three cents in on the whole "Robsten" phenom. And to be totally honest, we are tired of all the haters. If we keep fucking with the two of them this can only end badly for us right? If they break up then all the chemistry will be null and void. So what if they are bumpin' uglies and swappin' love gravy...you would too if you were them!

So here's to all the haters.

PS. We love you bitches for watching our shit.

I'm not an addict. Baby, that's a lie...

2009-09-23T13:32:00.000-07:00

Twilight addiction is a growing concern amongst teen girls and adult women today. The immediate addictive qualities attached to the Twilight Saga written by Stephenie Meyer, is effecting more and more women everyday, however not much is currently known about the disease. The following information may help you better identify yourself or a loved one as a Twilight addict.

TwiNabler makes her TwiSoupy debut...WOOT!

Warning signs
If you answer yes to any of the following questions, you could have a Twilight abuse problem and may benefit from outside help:

Do you think often about Twilight while you are doing other activities?

Have friends, family members, or your employer expressed concerns about your Twilight obsession?

Has your Twilight obsession had a negative effect on any of the following areas of your life: relationships with family members and others - your work - physical health - mental health - recreational activities - finances (from the expense of Twilight related items) - legal situation (including but not limited to charges of stalking).

Do you or others notice a significant change in your personality when you are talking about Twilight or reading Twilight? Do you become extremely sad or extremely happy, or do you not care what is happening in your life?

Does your behavior change in other ways when you are using Twilight? Do you embarrass yourself or others? Do you become aggressive or violent toward others when they do not like Twilight? Do you withdraw from non Twilight loving people? Do you misuse work internet frequently for Twilight related 'research'?

Do you seek out activities that will include Twilight?

Is it hard for you to stop thinking about/watching/reading Twilight once you start?

Do you ever have trouble remembering periods of time when you've been abusing Twilight.

The importance of getting help
Twilight abuse is a progressive disease. The long-term health consequences can be devastating. Untreated Twilight addiction can lead to conditions like insomnia, internet addiction, hallucinations, delusions and damage to the brain. Continued Twilight abuse can lead to breathing problems, heart palpitations, mental health problems, and risks of death from overdose. Continued Twilight abuse can also result in serious family conflicts, loss of friendships, the delusion that Twilight characters are real, financial problems, and problems at work.

The sooner you seek professional help, the better your chances of avoiding or limiting long-term problems.

Twilight Addict Pic of the Week!

We are at your disposal people! We are ready, willing, and able to make complete asses of ourselves! Send us your favorite "You might be a Twilight addict if..." and we will make it happen on camera. No suggestion is too outlandish - we are crazy like that.

My name is SGP - and I'm a Twilight addict.

Losing our blog virginity. . .

2009-09-21T13:46:00.000-07:00

Welcome fellow obsessed to TwiSoup, a place where you can get your much needed Twilight nourishment in a delightfully creative rated R format.

It should go without saying that we are pretty much unaware of any social and/or politically correct boundaries. We never seek to offend, however I’m not promising anything at this point. Keep in mind everything we say, do, photograph, film, hijack, re-write, post, link or anything else I may have missed was done solely for the purpose of first and foremost making ourselves laugh our asses off. And thankfully, since you all find the same shit we do funny. . . we shouldn’t have any problems entertaining you as well.

Just a side note we would like to pay homage to those who came before us. To all the TwiBlogs out there we salute you and in no way want to piss all over your territory (well maybe a little but we are totally kickass I swear. . .we are self proclaimed creepers so that makes our stalkerish tendencies OK). And most of all, we bow humbly before the ladies of Twitarded. You are our hero’s and our inspiration. One day we hope to hunt your asses down and treat you both to a night full of sinful Twilight indulgence.

There are so many amazing TwiBlogs out there that have been my daily bumps and gummies without which I wouldn’t have been able to keep my Twilight high to the optimal level. I want to hump all of your hampers in thanks for keeping me alive these past few months. Considering how highly I hold all of the other blogs out there, you can imagine that I (and my bloggy counterparts Nameless and TwiNabler) are a tad bit nervous that we aren’t going to be as awesome as the rest of the pack. So here we are, unsure of what this blog may become but confident that we are going to make you laugh your RPatz loving asses off.

For now we have decided to spare you the introductions and prefer to instead thrust you into the meaty center of our mind warp. Now, TwiNabler asked me today, “Should we ease them into our fucked up sense of humor?” and I replied, “Um….hells to the no.”

So without further ado we would like to introduce our first installment of Dirty Seuss – Twilight Style!

You know you love it...

I am Bella
Bella I am

That Bella-I-am
That Bella-I-am!
I do not like
that Bella-I-am

Would you like to
touch my clam?

I will not do it,
Bella-I-am.
I am a lion
who can’t love a lamb.

Would you touch me
Here or there?

I cannot touch you
here or there.
I cannot touch you
anywhere.
I do not like
your sweet young clam.
I will not touch it,
Bella-I-am

Would you screw me in a house?
Would you like to remove my blouse?

I will not deflower you in a house.
I would not like to remove your blouse.
I do not like breasts
exposed and bare.
I do not wish to rudely stare.
I will not take your virgin clam.
I do not like it, Bella-I-am.

Would you diddle with my box?
You know you want to, I’m a fox.

I won’t diddle your box.
Although you’re a fox
Not in a house.
Not without your blouse.
I will not covet you here or there.
I will not covet you anywhere.
I will not ravage your virtuous clam.
I will not indulge you, Bella-I-am.

Would you? Could you?
in a car?
I’ll show you my boobies!
Here they are.

I would not ,
could not,
in a car

You may like them.
You will see.
I will flash you in a tree!
I would not, could not in a tree.
Not in a car! Please let me be.

I will not diddle your vestal box.
Even if you are a delicious fox.
I will not take you in the house.
I will not remove your modest blouse.
I do not like breasts exposed bare.
I refuse to rudely stand and stare
I will not spoil your precious clam.
I refuse to do it Bella-I-am.

A meadow! A meadow!
A meadow! A meadow!
Could you, would you
in a meadow?

Not in a meadow! Not in a tree!
Not in a car! Bella! Let me be!
I would not, could not, spoil your box.
I could not, would not although you’re a fox.
I will not take you in the house.
I will not remove your modest blouse.
I do not like breasts exposed and bare.
I refuse to rudely stand and stare
I will not corrupt your unspoiled clam.
I refuse to do it Bella-I-am.

Say!
In the dark?
Here in the dark!
Would you, could you, in the dark?

I would not, could not,
in the dark.

Would you, could you,
in the rain?

I would not, could not, in the rain.
Not in the dark. Not on a train,
Not in a car, Not in a tree.
I will not do it, Bella, you see.
Not in a house or without your blouse.
I will not deflower you here or there.
I will not deflower you anywhere!

You do not like
my human clam?

I do not
like it,
Bella-I-am.

Could you, would you
in your big gold bed?

I would not,
could not.
before we wed!

Please pump me full of vampire lead!

I could not, would not, in my bed.
I would not, could not, before we wed.
I will not have you in the rain,
not in the dark or on a train.
I will not take you in the house.
or remove your modest blouse.
Please do no expose them bare
I refuse to rudely stand and stare
I will not have you here or there
I will not have you anywhere!

I refuse to spoil your virgin clam
I will not do it,
Bella-I-am.

You will not hump me.
So you say.
Try it! Try it!
And like it you may.
Try it and you may I say!

Bella!
If my bride you’ll be,
I will take you to my bed with me!

I will wed you, you will see!
Then you can have your way with me!
Now I’ve said my wedding vows.
Will you please please take me now!

Say!
I do so like your virgin clam!
I do!! I like it, Bella-I-am!
And I will take you in my bed!
And pump you full of vampire lead.
And I will hump you in the rain.
And in the dark. And on a train.
And in a car. And in a tree.
You’re right it feels so good to me!

So I will eat your tasty box.
Come over here you sexy fox.
And I will take you to our house.
to rip apart that bothersome blouse.
And I will bone you here and there.
Say! I will bone you anywhere!

I do so like
your sweet, sweet clam!
Thank you!
Thank you,
Bella-I-am