Friday, April 9, 2010

TwiPop feat. Mrs. P!  

That's right Episode Two is up and ready for your listening pleasure!

We discuss Waxward and Bree's story as well as why Motorola should probably pick up Twilight as a possible marketing opportunity.

We also pick on Poptarrts just a bit for her amazing accent, and even get Mrs. P from Twibite all hot and bothered.

(We will have it available for downloading through iTunes soon. Hold your britches.)

Monday, April 5, 2010

Twi Soup's Pervy Slang  

Abundance of Adult themes ahead.
Abandon ship immediately if you are easily offended by graphic sexual acts.
You have been warned. The following is pretty tasteless even for us…

Mommy G. Pumpkin, if you are reading I strongly urge you to stop right…about…NOW.

So the idea for this post reaches way back to the midnight New Moon premiere. T-Nabs and I were about half a bottle of Stoli in, and severely sleep deprived when we started talking about the ever glorious Patzy and the dirty dirty things we would like to do to him.

Let's just take a moment and enjoy the beauty that is...The Precious.

Now before I go any further, I would like ask you a question. Have you ever met a person who knows EVERY funny “nickname” for any given sexual position or act (*cough* my husband *cough*). This person often pops up after much alcohol has been consumed and tries his/her hardest to gross you out by saying things like, “I sure would like to give you two dogs in a bathtub right now…you know what that is? That’s when…” And then he/she proceeds to tell you something so disgusting you either start laughing so hard you can’t breathe or your ears start bleeding from the sheer horror of the definition. Most of these sayings are usually pretty gross and degrading, however I have to admit, I find them hilarious.

For example…Dirty Sanchez.

Perhaps you prefer a rusty trombone? Or a snow ball (reaching far into my Clerks quote bank for that one)? Or perhaps the Kangaroo Scissor Kick…yeah, I have no idea what that is either. And I don’t think I want to know.

So how does this relate to Twilight you ask? No worries folks…I have a point.

So here T-Nabs and I sit, giggling our tipsy asses off, waiting for New Moon, and discussing Edward and his hotness. When suddenly from the mouth of T-Nabs spouts brilliance that could only come from a diehard Twihard.

“I love RPatz so much I want to do the REVERSE SPIDER MONKEY WITH HIM!!!!”


I turn to look at her and immediately I laugh so hard I almost piss myself in the middle of the theater. Yes folks, she went there.

She said it.

The Reverse Spider Monkey.

Like this. Only backwards, and nekkid.

So that got me thinking. What other sexual positions/acts could be derived from our beloved Twilight?

An Alice
When a girl is giving a guy a blowie and she predicts when he is going to cum and immediately decides to leave and go shopping instead of finishing him off.

The Jasper Bat
When the guy does fancy dick twirling tricks before finally sticking it home.

Playing Doctor Cullen
When the guy (or girl) dips their hand in ice water and then puts on a latex glove and gives his/her partner an intimate “exam”.

A Twitchy Bella
Girl on top. Girl begins to spasm uncontrollably like she is having a seizure forcing the man to hang on for dear life while she stutters and moves her hips in unpredictable patterns.

An Isle Esme
When the sex is so rough that you wake up in the morning with unexplainable bruises.

Jacob’s Rabbit
When a guy does a girl doggie style and uses his index and middle finger (like rabbit ears) to diddle her skittle.

A Mike Newton
When I girl is on top she punches her partner in the stomach right before he comes so that he throws up and then has to go home.

A Hey Arizona
When a guy jerks off into his hand and then shakes it all over the girl and says, “How you likin da rain girl?”

Ok, Ok, I will stop. But you have to admit it…you laughed. If you have any of your own awesome Twilight sexy slang please feel free to have at it in the comments. I know some of you girls are FAR more creative than I, and I look forward to any additions you may have. Perhaps we will create a Kama Sutra of Twilight.

Well whether you liked that or hated it, I am willing to bet that all of you will never, EVER look at the ‘spider monkey’ scene the same way again.

My work here is done.

: )